Dysfunctional Ki Skills

OK I couldn't help myself but I want stories of the weird, improbable and downright delusional. True stories preferred but this being the Humor section - artistic license encouraged.

Yellow Bamboo and Ki balls have been done - give me something new.

I can open the door with my ki, I can even move a car with the aid of a ki

Bryan Bateman wrote: I can open the door with my ki, I can even move a car with the aid of a ki

Can I join your cult and have you insist I call you "Super Soke Sifu Professor"?

Stuart Norton wrote: Can I join your cult and have you insist I call you "Super Soke Sifu Professor"?

Hey,

If I give you my ki, you too can open the door

I've witnessed (twice) my old housemate break glass with the power of his anger. Once he was standing near a glass candle holder while pissed off and it just broke for no reason. The second time he broke the rear side window of his car when he touched it (he had locked himself out of his car). He claims that it has happened a couple of other times throughout his life...but I didn't witness those.

Bronson

My brother couldn't wear a digital watch because it would always stop working after a couple of weeks. Does that count as ki?

I don't know if he has tried in recent years.

--Michael

Several years ago I was training in a small dojo in England. I had some disagreement with another student which had seemed to go on for months and it just got more and more bitter. One day we were both called to do a grading for the same rank at the same time. When I was uke for him he was being really rough and put on a really painful nikkyo. It can to my turn and he attacked with a shomen-uchi. I was about to do a really powerful throw, a koshi-nage I think, with as much ki as I could muster, but at the last moment the uke moved and my ki leaked out everywhere, over the mats, over the walls. It took four grown men with mops and buckets 3 hrs to clean up my ki. Jes', I'll never do that again. PS. I hope you can tell this was a joke.

This is a true story which an (ex) girlfriend will happily testify to. You've seen that exercise where someone sits on a chair and they can be lifted with the power of ki through people's fingers - well, I unconciously did a variation on this. I was at a party (my own) and I was very drunk. I was sitting on the window-sill with a friend sat on my knee (don't ask me - maybe there was a shortage of seats). For some reason I was bouncing her up and down with my knees. After about 10 bounces, with only the power of my ki, I broke the window behind me (or maybe it was my fat arse? - who knows, non-believers make up a mechanistic explanaitions for everything).

With the power of ki I can seal possestions in an inpregnable metal box. Unfortunalty I lost my Ki and now I don't have any money...

ah tim, you truly deserve the title special boy

i have trouble controling my key, it escapes and opens thing, i lost my job at the jail.... true story.....very sad, anyone want to employ me as an escapeologist

Hrmmm....

Does functionability after a certain level of beer (or alcohol) consumption constitute ki power? And if so, at what level?

(Expecting lots of comments from the Brits, Scots, Irish, Aussies, Kiwis, and all Americans of similar discent)