from SatyrBuddha: one cut.one cut.one cut. one cut. one cut.one cut.one cut. one cut. one cut. one cut.one cut. one cut. one cut. one cut. one cut. one cut. one cut. one cut. one cut. one cut. one cut. one cut. one cut. one cut. one cut.one cut.one cut.one cut. one cut. one cut.one cut.one cut. one cut. one cut. one cut.one cut. one cut. one cut. one cut. one cut. one cut. one cut. one cut. one cut. one cut. one cut. one cut. one cut. one cut. one cutone cut.one cut.one cut. one cut. one cut.one cut.one cut. one cut. one cut. one cut.one cut. one cut. one cut. one cut. one cut. one cut. one cut. one cut. one cut. one cut. one cut. one cut. one cut. one cut. one cut.one cut.one cut.one cut. one cut. one cut.one cut.one cut. one cut. one cut. one cut.one cut. one cut. one cut. one cut. one cut. one cut. one cut. one cut. one cut. one cut. one cut. one cut. one cut. one cut. one cut. one cut.one cut.one cut. one cut. one cut.one cut.one cut. one cut. one cut. and then try one cut.one cut. one cut. one cut. one cut. one cut. one cut. one cut. one cut. one cut. one cut. one cut. one cut. one cut. one cut. one cut.one cut.one cut.one cut. one cut. one cut.one cut.one cut. one cut. one cut. one cut.one cut. one cut. one cut. one cut. one cut. one cut. one cut. one cut. one cut. one cut. one cut. one cut. one cut. one cut. one cut... and so on. that is all. Me: enter .turn. enter. turn. enter. turn. enter. turn. enter. turn. enter. turn. enter.enter.enter.enter.enter. turn. ENTER. turn.ENTER. turn. ENTER. turn..... jiyuwaza..... in practice I'm getting better at entering. But before I went up to demo I was practicing with our 11-year-old and we got a little giddy so I wasn't exactly focussed when Sensei threw two Big ukes at me. I did technique. I did Survive. But totally lost my entering. More sword cuts. Enter,lift sword,turn. And yes, 70's, I DO know why we test. Every single class for the next six weeks IS the test. Test day is just the icing.

Practice makes it right. Demonstration tests rediness under pressure. Don't make too much of mistakes or preparedness. Don't rush, and do what you do best when things get you down. Then launch into what you lack, and pull it in....

Randori practice the last two classes. Finally starting to Enter instead of backing away butt first. Even to approach my ukes instead of waiting for them to be right on top of me. Starting to feel them instead of having to watch them. So we went around twice today, all the test candidates doing a two uke randori in the center. Even though it is really only one one test, Nancy's first kyu...and since we have seven tests going on that night, I probably won't get a randori although for the first time jiyuwaza is Required-I've had one one on all my prior tests. So we went thruogh the cycle twice and somehow I got to go Last. And we were out of "fresh"ukes by then, so I got to go up against Charlie, Sandan and one of my instructors, and Sensei, Godan, 6'3,250 pounds...I asked my other teacher if I looked as ridiculous as I felt and he said "this isn't a dance performance". But how it Looks IS very important to me. The dancer in me won.'t settle for less than pretty aikido. And now my ukemi sucks bigtime. Actually, my rolls have just made a huge jump in quality but my attacks Totally Suck. I know I am not yet able to absorb the kind of attack I am capable of putting out in terms of power/energy, so I am totally holding back. Hell, its not as if I could really hurt anybody in my dojo,well, maybe the kids.But my attacks just suck. Its getting so bad I woudn't uke much at all today. Wouldn[t even take a throw.Pitiful.

We trained in yokomen attacks tonite. iriminage, kotegaeshe and kaitenage. None of which are on my test. However, 80% of my test IS iriminage, kotegaeshe & kaitenage-from shomen,tsuki & katate. Then all there is is shomenuchi ikyo-yonkyo,standing & suwariwaza,two hamni handachis and a bunch of variations & jiyuwaza. Piece of cake. Now to pull the other one, its got bells on...

Ok so I woke up feeling great this morning and went off to the dojo. Amazing how it feels to wake up inside your own body,without the added weight of all the stories I usually carry around. To be focussed on what is right here,right now, and not somewhere outside of reality and approaching the realms of desire. To not have to want it to be any other way than it is Right Now. This week has just been the most amazing process. I Knew when I was sick for three days this week that it Was process and not pathology,a letting go, a re-tuning,so that even though it HAD to get ugly last night, it WAS what had to happen, for me, to give myself the space and the wherewithal to begin the Process of Letting Go. And not taking threee years to go about it,either. So into the dojo with this lovely light spirit. For this test, for all of us, Sensei is ramping up on the energy of the attack, which really gives me way more to have to work with than in regular training. Suddenly my partners are trying to make it difficult,giving me even more energy. And Every Single Time I had to get up and demo a test technique,and almost every time Sensei took ukemi for me, I got Compliments. Even a couple of "excellents"!!! So maybe I've Snapped Out of It. Maybe its just an intermezzo in the ongoing drama that is Jo's life. Whatever it is, I"m glad of it.