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I atted the new place tonight. The dojo felt foren as if I had just entered a foreben place. With distinc air of welcome, just foloting on the serface. I wanted this so bad to be part of the new place , morever to contuine to do Aikido. Yet from the moment I relized this was good I felt a clod leagering in the darkness. I could not shake the felling, now I think I know why. Hopfully in time this cloud will be despersed with the connetivness I once felt.
So , I enter the dojo and the group before of brizien Jejeto peopel are still finshing up. The air is pasive, with a hint of apphenshion. I walk in timmedly, becaue I have my own issues with change. I go to teacher who is dealing with the money and forms we are to fill out. I feel almost the unwelcome feeling as he hands me a pen and form. I detifuly fill it out. Then I watie actioly for the sisey and higher people to go on the mat. I want to know where the lower belts are and where the shoman is and what not. Also, watied to know if they were doing formal streching bevaue of the new person or not? I still could not conpletly focoouse one beaue I could not help but wantder what everything was or where it was and what rules ment what , were they the same? Also, becuae I could not shake the felling that I was not only not relly welcome, but I did not fit here anymore. I tryed to focose on movent, but my brian just cept saying did I amke the worng chose? Am I not supposed to be heer. I supose it did not help that I think I let someone in that I should nto have emotionaly.
We did a group warm up and rolls. Then we did basic teques. Don't ask me names, I was barily doing mobement, that were on my 7th que test let alone my 6th kue. I fellt so lost and confused, I was overwelmed. For the first time my aikido history, I did not even for a moment connect to anyone, nore get any of the movements right. Usly I get part of one or one. I was just like I went to mexico and tryed to say I was mexicon. Thow I sppek 4 words in spanish and look white as can be. I also have only ever been there once.
I wish I could know what I did worng, I hope that wenseday is better, otherwise I want part of my money back and I qutie. Mabby I should never have gone tonight at all. Mabby I should have taken faiths hand and quite then. I thought the way it worked out and they wanted me, I was ment to be there. Now I am not so sure. I not sure that this is right place to say this , but I wanted to share it somewhere.
Coment if you wish , pless do. I need corties.
03-15-2010 11:17 PM 