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I had a hard time trusting people espley for a while....I have resons but there just excuses. I don't know why but in my heart with the core of the dojo my "aikido family" I never relly felt like I cant trust them, at lest not for long. I beging to feel that way now. I was felling a bit like I was on brored time when I came back, entill last monday then I felt like it was "home". I even thought they are like "family" in the good and the bad ways,but with that felling that even if your not on the same page as them at the moment that there still "ther for you". I don't know its nice to have a grup like that. Today I felt like at lest sinsay and some other students kinda thought like so many before them that I was "invalid" of some type and not relly worthy of full attetion nore alowing to fully perterpate. I know some is my frult I should push harder I shold try hearder. Its just the frist time in along time I felt this way with this grup with aikido. I always had to fight for everything my whole life. I always been conserded slow nad the like. I am slow, but I am not stupid and I may nto get it the way you teach it right away but I trying, in so many areas I just had to acceet that it was going to be a battle and that people just werent going toi understand me. I not normal wetever that is. When i singed up for aikiod I went into not relly expecting that to be any diffrent , by gole was to lurn to cope with sutions that I was not sko confuterfable with and do so physical active. I was still scarted and I have never been in the "inner circcle" of my home dojo, but I was a meber wich was an odd concept. I was like a memmer of the "family" ok still kinda the "kid" if you will, but I was member. Like my real family it seems liek wetever it is about me some sonner , some latter they all I dont know fade. I fell like agin I fighting to prove my self to wine recpect and a place in there hearts. Just liek ther rest of the world. I know sinsay has always kinda thought I was egmma and not relly srue what to do with me , but he used to let me try to things that were heard like helping attack peopel that are tring for high rancks. Lattly he will put people with a lower level of belt inand never me. I knwo on some of the parts that is because I am nto readdy for that. I gess he also thinks that I will not help the person tring wich means I not relly that good. I dont know makes me wonder if he relly is just pertending to have "cofedence in me when he promonts me and mabby I am not readdy for this next level. Blue belt, 5th kue. I know most of the names and how do the basic movements on most , but I know none are good. If it in reagards to taping when others do it to me , I know I am confused on that , but I trying. I don't actuly feel the pain it onstly most of the time dose nto hurt and so accrding to what they tought me tap when it hurts, I dont tape. I beging to feel there is some dubble standered. I affred when I say that becaeuse aikido had become my safe haven, a place where I did not have fight to prove my self. I suppose it relly dose nto matter I do wetever sissay thinks is best and try to lurn all that I can. After all altimly thats why I am there, but I gess if it dose nto get better by the time I leave , I gess I just , I gess I have to quite. I don't relly want to it just I tryed of haveingto fight for everything and while so much still intques me , I jsut don't need a nother grup of people that trulate me out of some socal convation and a place where I fighting for everythign agin. I too tryed to get anythign form that , but frustration. I never thoght I would say that about this dojo and or aikiod , and mabby it is this dojo. I jsut still feel concceced and dont want to addmit thats gone. I know I am slow lurner and not good at Aikido. I did nto think I wasa bad either, if it is a grup effort then mabby I am waying the grup down. Mabby in there heart the upper blets and sisay knwo that and thats why promotion to blue belt is almost hard for them to say. On the other hand to be fari I give it as plan of slate as I can next week and see what happens. Mabby I just crazy. Mabby I exoecting too much from a "sort" or anyone.
07-30-2011 11:26 PM 