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so its come to this. private public ranting and i'm sure yhat still somehow somebody will find fault with what i'm saying and post something along the lines 'oh suck it up and quit whining' but somebody's always gonna do that anyway so what the fuck.
the thing that scares me most about aikido is pretty much also the reason i started training-it forces one to be a contributing member of an integretive community. i must learn to function as a member of the group or at least as a member of a series of consecutive pairs of close intimate psycho-physical-spiritual encounters in close cooperation. one of those things i truly suck at. does not play well in groups. oh it always starts out well, the new girl, who may have a skill or a talent that makes a major contribution so i feel like here is a place where i am wanted, appreciated, valued, maybe even liked. and i like that. and i get used to being a member. i get used to being included until i am so comfortably ensconced within a group that i get comfortable & let my guard down and all of a sudden i'm not letting some of my less positive qualities get out of hand and everybody decides maybe i wasn't so nice or talented or spiritual or valuable or loveable as i appeared and i get invited to leave yet another group or community or relationship.and after the last one i've spent a good (good? right)part of the past four years avoiding participating in Life of any kind.
fear/fear of being alone fear of being forgotten fear of being invisible.so hide.be alone. be invisible.be nothing and nobody. be not living.can;t be rejected when you don;t try to fit in try to participate to belong just sit in your trailer and work and feel sorry for yourself but at least you can't alienate anybody if you don't go near anyone
and then one day you wake up and you want to learn to be a human being in the world again and you put a whole lot of time and energy and money into clearing out a whole lot of psycho-baggage and things start getting better and you can start being around people just a little bit more and you stop getting into arguments just to force somebody to Pay Attention to you so you know you still exist and all of a sudden Somebody Notices you and suddenly you're in love with the first person who has ever truly understood you and suggests aikido so you go check out the local dojo and get hooked. the people are so welcoming and Real and giving and happy and the art is beautiful and the sensei is awesome and you think, here i cannot hide. i cannot fake it.i have no choice but to be absolutely who i am, frightened and vulnerable and terrified of relationship cause i know i'll eventually make some behavioral blunder and once again be ostracised but right now they like me and thats a good thing cause i'm about to get dumped by the man i love specifically because he loves me and at least i have the dojo.and the dojo is planning a big demo/seminar/celebration and hey i have production experience and promotion experience and performance experience that i can share and all during the planning every time i opened my mouth to make a suggestion someone else would run right over it.and while at first everybody thought i shpuld be in the demjo cause we want to show the guests that there are techniques they can do right away and that a beginner gets to do all the same stuff a black belt does-tho not as well or easily- by the end of "rehearsal" tonight i was given nothing to do but show a back roll as a beginner and everybody was trying to convince our 4th kyu to be in the demo cause "only black belts are doing anything and people need to see what our non-black belt(singular???) can do as well.
well i did not open my mouth and express my discomfort cause i'm still the new kid and still on my best behavior but if i am feeling this hurt now and can't express it how soon will this turn into resentment there by giving me the perfect set-up for getting myself invited out of the dojo in record time.
is it better to be invisible if it doesn't make people hate you?