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When I remember an aikido technique, I remember the feeling of it, and the pattern of the drumbeat of the movement. I hear and feel more than I see. Like tunnel vision that doesn't need the vision part except as an accessory.
When I watch an aikido technique, mostly I don't even remember to figure out how to do it, I just try to see how and why it works, and how each person's body and being is reflected in the result. That sounds good, except I'm not past the stage where I need to see and figure out what to put where for how long.
There's a grading coming up in July sometime, I don't know exactly when, and I can't even fake playing at having the standard perception enough to train with a visitor. I'll watch ikkyo and move in to do it and freeze, mesmerised by the cause-and-effect way that if I twist this way or push this way then the other person changes.
Ikkyo makes no sense to me, it seems too different with every change of partner. Whereas, irimi nage seems to draw together what everyone has in common and is so different because of that. With the grading coming up I made a list of expected techniques, and they seems so typically split into these two camps. I don't know what will come out when the squeeze comes, because all I can picture when I stare at my list is the glint of a centering forearm, or the memory of a scratchy gi against my face during kote gaeshi. I just know that there are pools of ease and problem-solving across so many concepts across these two categories of so many techniques.
They may call me 3rd kyu if all goes well. But it's funny because it doesn't match what's on the inside; I feel like such a newborn thing that's still staring and wondering and trying to make sense of it all.