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Tonight has been a night of mixed feelings. Both frustration and brief triumph. Next week is the last week of our Aikido Module, and I feel like I'm leaving a huge gap in the path that I've progressed into. I'm going to see if I can come on Tuesdays and Thursdays to do a basic maintenance of what I've learned already-- that is of course with Sensei's permission .
Jo practice was distressing over all. I couldn't see the jo's against the beige walls, floor, mats and vinyl backdrop. I tried very hard but I started to shake and flinch every time we started the exercises with the Jo's. "I'm not going to hit you…" He had to have said that at lease four times, along with "Trust me." I came so close to crying because I was so frustrated. I hate to let my class mates down, or to make them think I don't trust them.
Somehow I feel… separated. On all of the Jo techniques I worked with two senior students and my instructor. Am I really that much of threat to my class mates? I do not mean to say that their instruction was bad-- not in any sense. I just feel… detached. Do my classmates really fear me? No one approached me when it came time to switch partners… and as I was heading to find a new partner I was caught by the senior students. I noticed, when working with my peers that I am being treated like something very fragile. No one would hold on during the techniques, merely letting go of my wrists when I started to turn to pin and the likes. I don't know what to do. Our instructor doesn't want us to resist when we are in the role of uke, but it seems like if I don't do something people are going to goose foot around me and will not learn the technique properly. Nor will I learn the technique correctly…
I just feel so… left out. I'm not sure if I'm overreacting.. Making a mountain out of an ant hill, or trying to ignore a larger problem. For some reason I feel that I am being treated differently… and truly bugs me. I'll have to sleep on this tonight..
For now confusion and doubt lie heavy on my spirit, heavier even then the rain and chill which has brought my mood down and made my heart of hearts suddenly very heavy. Maybe the morning will bring some comfort….