aiki-trolls

In another section of the forum, a distinguished member of this cyber-community raised the dreaded "troll alert." Trolls? For those of you who don't know what an internet troll is, consult Wikipedia: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Internet_troll.

I happen to frequent various martial arts forums, and the issue of internet trolls figures prominantly. It got me thinking: are there such things as "aiki-trolls"? Just for fun, let's identify & classify the various species of aiki-troll. REMEMBER: this is all for fun. No offense, insult or injury is intended! Just good-hearted jesting.

I'd suggest the following links as "required reading" in regards to internet trolls:
http://www.themartialist.com/pecom/f...detotrolls.htm. In advance, you will forgive me for the link...Phil Elmore is a polarizing figure within the martial arts community. However, his "field guide to trolls" is a must read.

Also consult the now-classic "flame warriors" site: http://redwing.hutman.net/~mreed/.

My first entries:

"Hippie Ki Troll." The Hippie Ki troll is an ubiquitous breed of aiki-troll. Hippie Ki trolls are dreaded for their senseless and interminable ramblings upon Ki. Their ceaseless sermonizing has become the "Dim Mak" of the martial arts world, the ultimate atemi waza of Aikido that not even Gozo Shioda himself could have conceived of. Don't let the moniker "hippie" throw you off. Hippie Ki trolls are not bound to a single generation. Never underestimate a Hippie Ki troll....your karma hangs in the balance if you slight them!

"Iwama Troll." A very powerful troll not to be underestimated. They are variously armed with either bokken, jo or a well-worn copy of Budo Renshu. They may feign modesty, but their pedigree belies a smug air of superiority. After all, O'Sensei "birthed" Aikido in Iwama...didn't he?

...all other entries/submissions welcome & encouraged!!

ADDENDUM:

perhaps to most savage and brutal of aiki-trolls...the "Pedigree Trolls."
As their moniker implies, Pedigree Trolls waste away their lives obsessing over their "degrees of separation" from O'Sensei. Nothing is more important than lineage: technique included. If your Shihan wasn't an uchi-deshi of O'Sensei....then you might as well quit and join the local McDojo...it's practically the same thing!

Brian Dewey wrote: Also consult the now-classic "flame warriors" site: http://redwing.hutman.net/~mreed/.

Taught me everything I know.

The Troll under the theoretical bridge: this troll spends little time on the mat but knows it all and is definitely willing to tell you everything he/she knows. Long arduous posts that say little are the defining factor. The willingness to argue senselessly forever and to tell you how little you know.

The MOE (master of everything) troll:
This troll has “mastered” about thirty different martial arts and loves to talk about his/her many black belts and the many weeks of dedicated training it took to get them. MOEs can be recognized by their belief that they have perfected iriminage. Also, MOEs may occasionally ask how much a black belt in your martial art would cost.

The Troll of Hubrility --- This troll is almost always male, and takes his name from the combination of real hubris and fake humility that he displays. You may usually identify this troll by his bald assertion that he can "handle" anyone in aikido, combined with his almost simultaneous statements that he himself is "still a student", "isn't that good", and "it's not really about who is better". Despite his claims of fudoshin (immoveable mind), this troll is easily provoked, and can become quite agitated when questioned. His sense of humor (if any) does not apply to remarks about himself. The Troll of Hubrility is very reclusive, rarely venturing outside his own den, yet he has an almost painful desire to communicate with the aikido and martial arts worlds, as shown by the hundreds (sometimes thousands) of posts on various internet fora.

Jim Sorrentino wrote: The Troll of Hubrility --- This troll is almost always male, and takes his name from the combination of real hubris and fake humility that he displays. You may usually identify this troll by his bald assertion that he can "handle" anyone in aikido, combined with his almost simultaneous statements that he himself is "still a student", "isn't that good", and "it's not really about who is better". Despite his claims of fudoshin (immoveable mind), this troll is easily provoked, and can become quite agitated when questioned. His sense of humor (if any) does not apply to remarks about himself. The Troll of Hubrility is very reclusive, rarely venturing outside his own den, yet he has an almost painful desire to communicate with the aikido and martial arts worlds, as shown by the hundreds (sometimes thousands) of posts on various internet fora.

Why Mr Sorrentino... to whom could you possibly be referring?

Angstime trolls:
This troll is usually a greasy teenage boy who is over fascinated with Japanese culture. They read annime non-stop, and believe DDR is an art form. Angstimes do not actually practice a martial art. If spotted during the very rare times they venture out of their parent’s basement to go to Japanese language class, they can be recognized as the only person in a 1500+ student high school wearing a hakama and fake katana to class (yes someone actually did this at my high school. And it wasn’t me). This troll can be spotted in internet martial arts forums by their inexhaustible amount of knowledge of current Japanese culture and their frequent ponderings of how many heads their new live katana could cut through. This type of troll is rather creepy but virtually harmless.

The Aiki-saviour this troll has extensively researched aikido, practiced a bit when not injured/feeling a bit ill or the second moon of Xcartes was not zenithing it's sun options and knows what really makes aikido Aikido!!

Through diligent meditation and an unerring insight into the minds of the greats of aikido (both living and dead) they act as a positive balm to any aikidoka, never hesitating to gently chastise those whose faith is failing and eager to bring them back to the light that is Aikido!!

Saviours believe passion is the key to greatness in aikido, facts, hard training, linguistic skills or a solid basis in reality pale in comparison to their zeal. While they are strangely unable to run their own dojo, they are an asset to any true sensei who really needs to know how many inches their hakama should swing to the left when a zephyr enters the dojo from the setting sun.

The Anti-Aiki-saviour sadly, after one too many "just shut the f**k up and do the technique" from their chosen sensei, the Aiki-saviour undergoes an awesome transformation into the Anti-aiki saviour, drops out of the dojo and disappears into the murk that is martial arts.

Just when you thought it was safe to go back into the forum, the savior returns with his new mission - the destruction of the cruel aikidoka and their little aikido too with their new brand X martial art and philosophy. Read me and weep the Anti-Aiki cries, for I have seen the new light, and it's a sort of mauve-yellow!

"Jedi Troll." This curious and oft time unintentionally entertaining race of aiki-troll suffers from an extremely overactive imagination with a very exaggerated and un-historical interpretation of Bushido and feudal Japanese culture in general. They are easily identified by their extreme difficulty in differentiating between their imaginary/fantasy life and "RL" (real life) as well as their obsession with weapons training. A well-worn copy of "The Secrets of the Samurai" that they bought off the clearance rack at the local bookstore provides the fodder for their fertile imaginations.

Similar to the Jedi Troll is the "Matrix Troll." This obnoxious race of aiki-troll is readily identified by their faux spirituality and intentionally cryptic speech/writing habits by which they vainly attempt to distinguish themselves from the rest of the herd. They're especially dreaded in martial arts forums for their endless rhetorical questions and nonsensical platitudes for responses.

the 'tougher-than-thou' troll believes that all training should mimic and be applicable to real-life fights. Their most readily recognizable plumage is the phrase, "...on the street..." as in, "That wouldn't work on the street" (in reference to another person's practice). This troll believes that only big, tough, young men have the right to train with them (or at all), and that broken joints are a sign of 'good' ('real') training.

Aiki-Simpleton (TM)

Minimal vocabulary... usually Oss! or some indistinguishable grunts and groans.

Does not know many techniques... usually rely on simple techniques such as SHOMEN-ATE or any technique that ends with word ATE.

Does not comprehend complex technique...

Boon.

Lorien Lowe wrote: the 'tougher-than-thou' troll believes that all training should mimic and be applicable to real-life fights. Their most readily recognizable plumage is the phrase, "...on the street..." as in, "That wouldn't work on the street" (in reference to another person's practice). This troll believes that only big, tough, young men have the right to train with them (or at all), and that broken joints are a sign of 'good' ('real') training.

Wait I think I've practiced with some of these trolls... They are recognizable on the mat as the middle aged balding dudes who look like they had a bad run in with steroids. Whenever they practice with me they tend to do the purposely missing tsuki (my biggest pet peeve in aikido).