Unofficial Aikido forum FAQ (rated R for immature)

Okay, I'm fed up with same things being asked over and over, therefore I'm providing this FAQ.

If you've just joined the forums, please read this first before posting a thread !

------- AIKIWEB FORUMS UNOFFICIAL FAQ --

Q: I'm extremely overweight, and I wonder if I can practice Aikido.
A: Yes.

Q: I'm extremely overweight, and I wonder if I can practice Aikido and have my dinner at the same time.
A: Get lost.

Q: Is Aikido effective in a real fight ?
A: Depends on what you mean by "Aikido", "effective", "fight", "real" and "?".

Q: If someone grabs me like that, or punches me like this, what should I do ?
A: Use your heels to stomp their feet, then grab the gun from your purse and shoot yourself.

Q: Hello, I am wondering if Aikido is the art for me.
A: No.

Q: Can I avoid practicing with women ? I am a peaceful citizen of Islam and I do not like women in any form.
A: You're a fag. Homosexuals are prohibited from studying Aikido.

Q: Aikido is too violent, I am a pacifist who likes pretty flowers and I can defeat any enemy by smiling at them gently.
A: You're a fag. Homosexuals are prohibited from studying Aikido.

Q: Hello, I'm being abused by this guy in the dojo, and he makes me cry.
A: You're a fag. Homosexuals are prohibited from studying Aikido.

Q: Hello, I'd like to talk about spiritual side of Aikido's enlightement. It is said that Aikido is a lifelong pursuit and I enjoy grinding the mirror and polishing the stone.
A: I bet you enjoy choking the bishop too. Get away from that mirror and put your pants back on.

Q: I'd like to detach from my ego.
A: You can start by detaching from your computer.

Q: I am a girl and my boobs keep falling out of my uniform.
A: Practice Aikido in zero gravity environment.

Q: What kind of FAQ is THIS ?! I'm offended to the very depths of my soul ! You shall burn in ninth circle of HELL !
A: No I won't.

Q: Yes you will !
A: No I won't.

Q: Yes you will !
A: No I won't times a thousand.

Q: Yes you will times infinite squared !!
A: Damn.

Nice one Aleksey!!! D'you reckon we can get some different questions now?

Have fun

heheheheheh. Good one.

Bronson

Sounds actually like many of the current threads! Looking forward to part II

Cheers!

Raising a pint in your honor, Aleksey!

They must love you in San Francisco.

Huh.
I train routinely with four (openly) homosexual women... their Aikido seems to work just as well as the Aikido of heterosexuals of their respective ranks.

Look at the title, read the FAQ - its a joke, taking the piss. More like annoying answers to annoying questions than any deep meaningful insight into whatever.

Peter, remember the golden rule of aikido - thou shalt not have a sense of humour other than that given to you by Osensei (which means you can laugh at shiho-nage jokes).

------- AIKIWEB FORUMS UNOFFICIAL FAQ addendum --

Q. What is atemi
A. Anything you want it to be, just shut up!

Q. Which style of aikido is best
A. Whichever one I do

Q. I have a problem
A. Just keep training

Q. No seriously, I can't...
A. Just keep training

Q. But..
A. Look, f**k off back to the dojo and keep training

Q. What is Ki
A. Die now, slowly, painfully and in an entertaining manner please

I'm in pain and coke is running out of my nose.

PeterR wrote: I'm in pain and coke is running out of my nose.

Breath deeper...that stuff's expensive

Bronson

I think I'll go hide now

What about...

What are those black dresses you wear?

Why is the sword wooden?

Is Aikido a good place to meet chicks?

Is there any way to get my black belt faster?

Where is the bloody ki and who lost it?

kenkid wrote: Why is the sword wooden? We find it matches the heads of people like you. Is there any way to get my black belt faster? Two words: Time Machine.

Q: What is Ki?
A: What isnt Ki?

Q: How do we do this technique?
A: The way it was just shown to you

Q: Is that the Sensei?
A: No, its our cyborg mutant alien overlord! HAIL QUERZLCKH!

Q: Why do you call your staff Jo?
A: The same reason we call you "dumbarse"

I've been asked all these questions, or heard them asked to people in my dojo. *Sigh* some people...

Q: Can I avoid practicing with women ? I am a peaceful citizen of Islam and I do not like women in any form.
A: You're a fag. Homosexuals are prohibited from studying Aikido.

[/quote]








I do not appreciate the insult. Many people have this question, as it is a serious matter. Take caution in your tone!

shihonage wrote: Q: What kind of FAQ is THIS ?! I'm offended to the very depths of my soul ! You shall burn in ninth circle of HELL ! A: No I won't.

No, I think that's the ninth circle of Aiki-Hell.

Two below Jun.

Craig

Nafis Zahir wrote: I do not appreciate the insult. Many people have this question, as it is a serious matter. Take caution in your tone!

I would've taken caution in my tone, if only this wasn't a 2-year-old post in a "Humor" forum and if the title wasn't an advance warning to the "quality" of the content.

It's really not worth blowing up over.

Everything's worth blowing up over.

KAPOWWWWW!!!!!!

*Breaths deeply* Oh jeeze I haven't laughed that hard in so long. Well done guys. :-D

my reply was meant to be sarcastic, but I think that it's important to remember that not all "jokes" are universally funny. You can't just insult someone (or someone's friends) over and over and then say, 'hey, it was just a joke!' and expect them to keep on believing it.

'course, I'm from California and I know the rest of the country is a little bit backward wrt this subject.

Q: How do you apply kuzushi and technics to a resisting opponent?
A: Pull out your gun and force your opponent to do what you want.


*SIGH*. Seriously, if anyone could really help me with this question.

Laurent Tambayong wrote: Q: How do you apply kuzushi and technics to a resisting opponent? A: Pull out your gun and force your opponent to do what you want. *SIGH*. Seriously, if anyone could really help me with this question.

There are two aspects to Kuzushi balance (shikoku) and breath (kokyu-ho) both of which need to be present to work manipulate a resisting uke along his ki lines.

If you want to get specifics of this, and you can make it down to Los Angeles, try looking up a few of the seniors students at Aikido Doshinokai Dojo, in Culver City. http://www.doshinokai.com

Don't forget to tell them I sent you and that you request the full treatment....

Thanks Shaun. I aprreciate it. Is the dojo a sister dojo to ikazuchi by any chance? I live right accross from ikazuchi, but I am currently away in Indonesia for the summer now.

Laurent Tambayong wrote: Thanks Shauns. I aprreciate it. Is the dojo a sister dojo to ikazuchi by any chance? I live right accross from ikazuchi, but I am currently away in Indonesia for the summer now.

Laurent,

Yes, Aikido Doshinokai and Aikido Ikazuchi dojos are both Matsuoka Sensei's dojos. If you have a chance, please stop in and visit. Tell them I recommended that you train with Eddy Olandj, or Josh Gold and that you are seeking information on Kuzushi as it relates to Kokyu-ho and shizen-ni... I am sure you have an interesting and awesome practice. Let me know how it goes. If you tell me in advance there is a good chance that I may be in town for a visit, as I visit often.

Enjoy your time abroad.

Gentlemen, please don't hesitate to continue your discussion regarding kuzushi in Laurent's own thread about kuzushi.