Losing the drive?

Sorry you don't believe me Deb. I'm not trying to make light of it. Aikido has always been natural to me. I have never hated to go or had to force myself to go. On the other, if life keeps me from it I get the opposite reaction-I get cranky. It's my catharsis in life. My place where when stressed it all goes away. I do not have bad feelings on the mat or want to avoid getting on the mat. How could I when I find aikido my learning environment and I like to learn. The only time I have ever wanted to not get on a mat was with a serious injury for fear that I might make it worse and be out longer. I just avoided letting anyone get near that wrist for a long time-it was a permanent injury.

I've only been training a couple of years but around the six month mark of training in Aikido, I started having to force myself to go to Aikido. I almost always enjoyed myself when I got there, but talking myself into going was tough.

I was resentful of having to account for when I trained. If I didn't train a night when I usually would, my roommate would pester me about it; the next class, everyone would ask me where I was. I hated feeling so monitered. I was resentful of other people feeling that they had the right to make me account for everything I did. That particular feeling has gone away now that I've practiced more and think of nearly everyone in the dojo as my friend.

I still feel guilty, though, if I don't go to class on a night when class is offered or if I go less frequently than usual. Usually I feel the most guilty when I'm doing something I deem "recreational," like non-academic reading, hanging out with my friends, or watching a movie, etc. Although I know that we all need balance in our lives, I still feel guilty about taking days off when I could be applying myself to something more spiritual, noble, and valuable. I guess it's good to realize that I nowhere near as developed a person as I want to become!!

As a student of Sensei Riggs, I can attest to his eagerness for class. It was funny, after the holidays this past December, we all came back and there he was... early, at the dojo and waiting for one class to finish so he could begin ours. The look on his face reminds me of Lan, a fellow student. Those two are like kids in a candy store when it comes to aikido! I joke about them needing to go to AA - Aikido Anonymous.

Point is, though they may be the exception to the rule, they are indeed both exceptional. (pun intended) Lan and I have discussed it in depth and have decided should Riggs ever move, we'd follow him. He might not know everything about aikido, but he knows enough to keep us busy for many years to come.

And seriously, this isn't just kissing up here. Anyone can do that... but when you find someone as dedicated to the art you are interested in, as much as Sensei is, it makes you feel bad when you can't make it to class because you don't want to disappoint him.

My situation, I just got married! Everyone joked about how I need to get right back on the mat and not let the Mrs. run my life. Well, its been three weeks now and I'm still exhausted from everything, but I plan to go it I can suck it up enough to make it. Personally, I DO have my days where I have to make myself go. But I wish I didn't.

Aikido's the best. Glad I have people around me that feel the same way... makes it a joy to practice, dispite a long day/week/month.