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Recently I have come to the relstion that I bult up walls to keep my fears out , and now not even a small grain can wege its self in.
I will start with confesing ...I hit rock bottom about 6 years ago, I was consumed in pain and confution, with only one way out. I found some energy(angile or somthing) came to me and stoped me. Wether this was in my head or real I will never know, I just felt a strong sorces of engery that took enoff of the clods away so I could see agin.
Along this time questions that were unasble by my church , begain arsing and the comounty I was in was not aiding them. I begin to shurch for some conction that I knew was missing. One when I was yonger I found in my chourch, I suppose some say I needed to nurthre my "spricrual" side. While I am not sure I know what that means exactly, I knew I need somehting. I surched from church, to church, to place of wership. All that I could get to or think of. I begin reading books and watching flims. I wanted that sence of peace that comes form a deep conction. I found more I lurnd the more questions I had, and the more discourged I got.
What had freed me now tryped me and consumed me. I was looking in a magizing for my local city and found a class called AIkido,I was always drwn to marsal arts , in that I find them intring, but not so into the vilance. My mom siad thow she dated a man once that told her it was the are of "geting the hell out of the way". I decided that it might be worth knowing, the book siad 6 week course, good beging. I was hoping two things might happen from it one lurn a litte self defense and two get some exerse. A freind told me before my frist night that it was a "hard" sport, to be carlfull.
Of couse this made me a bit aprhensive, but I wanted to know what it was. I walk in the frount door and imdilly get mixed fillings. Ofcourse those whom read my blogs know I grew to love this art and I belive it helped breek down some of the walls that I think I put up for protection. I owe much to the art and to my two dojo's, espley my home one.
Recently however, I think I been puting up the walls that were satring to breek I think there geting bult agin, only this time in a new from. I did not relly relise this till now. I was relfeting on a commont made by my sisay( the one at the school), which was that I was not going down when I was supposed to. I gotten this on and off over the last year but I was geting much better about ti. However, the comment made me think, about my part of this interaction. I know I bult a wall to protect my slef form emotions and feelings , I was inturced to, becaue I am empathic person. I think I put up a proctieceton one from feeling phsical senstions, becaue normaly I feel them too much and I knew to do aikido I must put up some wall so I dont react overly. Only now I think I made the wall thik and it might be protectiong me too well.
I belive something I am lurning from aikido is that there is a way to let in the energy of another person without leting it consume you, a way to mixe them. Which scars me and intrigues me. Aikido will probly alway be a mistory. Even when it frutures me and some poeple are even mean in it. Over all I find a concetction in it and generaly to the people whom chose to do it as well.
I just thought that I would share my observations , take them for what they are worth.
03-30-2011 07:36 PM 