The Dance by Lynn Seiser
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As a couples counselor, I look for ways to explain and illustrate
concepts and ideas about healthier relationships. One of my favorites
is to refer to the interaction, or reaction patterns as "the
dance". The same metaphor applies well to Aikido practice.
Several factors make "the dance" an effective and efficient way to
understand relationships. Some, but certainly not all-inclusive,
include connection, distance, timing, intent, control, and content.
Paying attention creates a connection on the dance floor. Many people
do great solo routines. They get attention, but there is no connection
to either the crowd or their supposed dance partner. Some people sit
in couples counseling professing their love and cooperation, but are
so disconnected from each other that no communication actually
exists. They turn inward and away from each other and express their
pain as anger and attack. Without some connection, there is no
communication. Once a connection is made, love or fear can be
expressed.
The distance between two people may be great, yet they are still
connected. Likewise, two people can be very close physically, yet be
emotionally distant. Finding the correct distance in the dance can be
difficult and will change over time. Bridging the distance too fast
will create resistance and rejection. Bridging too far will simply
knock the other person down which maybe okay in a martial art context
but is not the best choice in a marital context.
Timing is very important. Everything in nature has a rhythm. Entering
and blending with that rhythm makes life easier. Resisting what is
makes life more difficult. If one listens closely to the music, one
can find and use the beat as a means of connecting or unifying with
others who have chosen to join the dance. It is hard to move smoothly
or gracefully in the world without a sense of timing and rhythm.
Intent focuses on how one interprets motivation. During a dance, if
one gets their toes stepped on, but knows it was awkwardness or
ignorance of the step, the interpretation of the intent develops
patience and compassion. If one interprets the intent of stepping on
the toes as on purpose, one tends to take it personally and
retaliates. One can interact with a sense of fear, anger or love. One
can interact in the dance as competitive win/lose or a cooperative
win/win.
Do not try to control your partner. Control is fear based. There is an
illusion of the control of others as a means of neglecting
self-control. Pay attention. When you move to one side, which way do
they go? When you move forward or back, how do they move? The best way
to get good at anything is to pay attention. Do not tell your partner
what to do, simply move yourself and invite or let them respond. After
a while, both partners can find themselves responsively dancing as if
no one was leading or following. They enter and blend into the rhythm
of "the dance".
Content is what is said or expressed in the dance. As stated earlier,
one can express fear and anger, or one can express compassion and
love. The choice is one's own. By establishing connection, bridging
the distance between people, finding a mutual rhythm, perceiving the
positive intention, or by being responsive but not controlling, you
will find it is easier to chose to express the content of your life,
your dance and have it is received better by others.
I personally love to dance. I may not be very good at it, but I enjoy
getting on the dance floor, finding the beat, enjoying my partner, and
having a good time whether it is a dance floor or a dojo mat. Perhaps
someday, we will have an opportunity to dance and train
together. Personally, I would hate to miss such an opportunity.
Thanks for listening, for the opportunity to be of service, and for
sharing the journey. Now get back to training. KWATZ!
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