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Home > Humor > I-Kid-You, A Fractured Introduction To Aikido
by Janet Rosen <Send E-mail to Author>

With grateful appreciation to the members of the cyberdojo "Aikido-L" whose contributions over the months are included.


General Words
Aikido "Aikido" means "the path of spiritual harmony" except when it means "the way to unite one's inner energy" or when it means "the way of unity with the universal force;" unless you have a Chinese grandmother, in which case it means "the way of holding breath." Which is why we are drowning in arguements, sorry, philosophical discussions about the existence of "ki."
Marital Art Aikido is a marital art (that's why there is an altar in the dojo) that grooms you for unbridled self-defense.
Ukemi The history of ukemi: A big fat bully was really tired. He saw a skinny little guy who looked like he had a lot of energy. He grunted "You carry me" as he went to climb aboard the hapless fellow's back. The skinny little guy executed a perfect forward roll. Being too focussed on the predicament in which he had found himself he never did make exact sense of what the bully said, replying "ukemi, indeed!" as he walked away. And to this day we call our rolls and falls "ukemi" in his honor.
Tai Sabaki Similarly, "tai sabaki" results from the mis-hearing of "Thai souvlaki," which everybody knows is actually Satay, or chicken on a skewer; the significance is that in olden days if your footwork was done chicken-toed, the teacher would skewer you. Nowadays they just glare.
Aikido "Styles"
Aiki-Just-So For the finicky; they never progress past ikkyo because nobody ever does it well enough.
Bike-ido Developed by bicyclists tired of being run off the road; the only style that does a "true" kaiten-nage.
Boo-do Stealth techniques, possibly ninja-influenced, in which uke initiates attacks by leaping out of hidingwith a shout.
Haikudo Appeals to enthusiasts of Japanese culture who cannot decide if they prefer to study poetry or martial arts.
Iko-Iko-Ido Bizarre regional style of New Orleans characterized by rythmic technique and brightly colored costumes.
Nike-kai Practitioners wear gis made in special sweatshops; during practice of kokyudosa are heard to make a loud "swoosh" during exhalations.
Reikido Tntegrates body work and body arts in one discipline so you can throw your back out and put it back into place in the course of one technique.
Waikikai Hawai'ian regional style, done on long boards.
Aikido "Techniques"
Tushie-nage This technique is never taught, but beginners invariably discover it the hard way.
Baptism-nage Kaiten-nage done in a body of water. Potentially lethal.
Ten-pin-nage Randori against ten attackers in a long narrow dojo, scored as in bowling. "Strikes" do not mean "atemi" in this application.....
Jujube-nage Uke is distracted by offers of candy, then thrown hard; likely inspired by Dr. Who Sensei and his famous "jelly baby atemi."
E-I-E-aido The Old Macdonald style; the art of live blade drawing and quartering, with livestock as uke.
Go-flya-kaitenage Technique in which uke is projected out of the dojo, outdoors into a thunderstorm (with Ki of course). First cited in Poor Richards Alamanaikido.
Delicate-tessen Technique favored by southern belles, in which uke is distracted by the fluttering-eyelash atemi, then flattened by whipping forward of the iron-ribbed fan. Nage settles back into rocking chair, murmuring "my, my, my..." (with thanks to JonM, Blake, and Chuck)
Cacciattori Chickennage Italian dish prepared one-handed by Aikido-Listers being tested for rank (with thanks to Ivan.....)
RyeOatTandori NoChickennage East Indian vegetarian variation of the above.
Rant-ori Multiple verbal attackers (when performed seated, known as "Seiza Who?")
Tai-No-Hankie Basic technique for blending your nose with the sleeve of your gi.
Rokyo You will be pinned by a drunk chanting "We will rock you"
ChiChikyo You will be pinned by a high-heeled nage in a Chanel gi.
Hatchkyo You will be pinned by a brood hen named Sky
Queuekyo You will be pinned by a whole line of people
Jukyo You will be pinned by the legendary Rabbi sensei, Matt Burn
Aikido "Attacks"
HeyManUchi Attention-getting strike
HeManUchi Repeated strikes, closed fists alternating, to one's own (hairy) chest
LikeCoolManUchi Left-of-center strike to the bongos
EthelMerManUchi Show-stopping stike that gets you right here
YesManUchi Strike with a rubber stamp
NormanUchi Sat next to me in third grade at P.S. 269, Brooklyn

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