||"Aikido" means "the path of spiritual harmony"
except when it means "the way to unite one's inner energy" or when it
means "the way of unity with the universal force;" unless you have a
Chinese grandmother, in which case it means "the way of holding
breath." Which is why we are drowning in arguements, sorry,
philosophical discussions about the existence of "ki."
||Aikido is a marital art (that's why there is an altar in
the dojo) that grooms you for unbridled self-defense.
||The history of ukemi: A big fat bully was really
tired. He saw a skinny little guy who looked like he had a lot of
energy. He grunted "You carry me" as he went to climb aboard the
hapless fellow's back. The skinny little guy executed a perfect
forward roll. Being too focussed on the predicament in which he had
found himself he never did make exact sense of what the bully said,
replying "ukemi, indeed!" as he walked away. And to this day we call
our rolls and falls "ukemi" in his honor.
||Similarly, "tai sabaki" results from the mis-hearing of
"Thai souvlaki," which everybody knows is actually Satay, or chicken
on a skewer; the significance is that in olden days if your footwork
was done chicken-toed, the teacher would skewer you. Nowadays they
||For the finicky; they never progress past ikkyo because
nobody ever does it well enough.
||Developed by bicyclists tired of being run off the road; the
only style that does a "true" kaiten-nage.
||Stealth techniques, possibly ninja-influenced, in which uke
initiates attacks by leaping out of hidingwith a shout.
||Appeals to enthusiasts of Japanese culture who cannot decide
if they prefer to study poetry or martial arts.
||Bizarre regional style of New Orleans characterized by
rythmic technique and brightly colored costumes.
||Practitioners wear gis made in special sweatshops; during
practice of kokyudosa are heard to make a loud "swoosh" during
||Tntegrates body work and body arts in one discipline so you
can throw your back out and put it back into place in the course of
||Hawai'ian regional style, done on long boards.
||This technique is never taught, but beginners invariably
discover it the hard way.
||Kaiten-nage done in a body of water. Potentially lethal.
||Randori against ten attackers in a long narrow dojo,
scored as in bowling. "Strikes" do not mean "atemi" in this
||Uke is distracted by offers of candy, then thrown hard;
likely inspired by Dr. Who Sensei and his famous "jelly baby atemi."
||The Old Macdonald style; the art of live blade drawing and
quartering, with livestock as uke.
||Technique in which uke is projected out of the
dojo, outdoors into a thunderstorm (with Ki of course). First cited
in Poor Richards Alamanaikido.
||Technique favored by southern belles, in which uke is
distracted by the fluttering-eyelash atemi, then flattened by whipping
forward of the iron-ribbed fan. Nage settles back into rocking chair,
murmuring "my, my, my..." (with thanks to JonM, Blake, and Chuck)
||Italian dish prepared one-handed by Aikido-Listers
being tested for rank (with thanks to Ivan.....)
||East Indian vegetarian variation of the above.
||Multiple verbal attackers (when performed seated, known as
||Basic technique for blending your nose with the sleeve
of your gi.
||You will be pinned by a drunk chanting "We will rock you"
||You will be pinned by a high-heeled nage in a Chanel gi.
||You will be pinned by a brood hen named Sky
||You will be pinned by a whole line of people
||You will be pinned by the legendary Rabbi sensei, Matt Burn
||Repeated strikes, closed fists alternating, to one's own (hairy) chest
||Left-of-center strike to the bongos
||Show-stopping stike that gets you right here
||Strike with a rubber stamp
||Sat next to me in third grade at P.S. 269, Brooklyn