I hear that "Hello Kitty" puts out a charming line of pastel t-shirts with the delightful little anthropomorphized kitten on it. Perhaps we could put in a custom order of little "hello kitties" in gi and hakama. I see "collector's item" here. How could Ivan refuse...

Hey, now. You're dissing one of our cultural offerings! Yes, the same culture that brought about aikido also offers you Hello Kitty, Godzilla, and Tamagotchi.

Hmm... Maybe a line of Tamagotchi products called Aikidotchi might sell, don't you think? The fledgling aikidoka starts out in a bright white, starched crisp gi with his/her belt sticking out at weird angles. You use the "throw," "encourage," and "chastise" buttons to help your fledgling Aikidotchi work with other virtual aikidotchi, develop ukemi skills, attain self confidence, and learn the ways of budo. A separate adapter for hooking up your Aikidotchi to your friends' Aikidotchi is sold separately.

You have to watch out as an Aikidotchi owner, though. If you throw your Aikidotchi too hard and fast, your Aikidotchi starts to wear more and more neoprene braces and sports tape on their wrist. Strangely enough, too little throws gets you to the same thing in the long run.

If you encourage your Aikidotchi too much, they'll start trying to throw people without touching them. If you encourage too little, they'll start feeling blase about practice and will just "go through the motions."

If you push the chastise button too many times, they'll just shrink into a corner, a whimpering mass of flesh and gi. Chastise too little and they start developing a really big head (neat graphics!) and they'll start telling _you_ how to run your own aikido practice.

With certain combinations of the above, you may get the "Ikken Hissatsu"-dotchi who starts to apply killer atemi and sometimes kills their enemy/partners in shihonage. A variation of this "Ikken Hissatsu"-dotchi wears his hair in a pony tail and begins to read screenplays. He may even become a llama (no typo), which I think may be some weird, inside reference to Jeff Minter.

Some people end up with the "Fruity"-dotchi. Little heart shaped graphics waft from your "Fruity"-dotchi character, enveloping his/her partners with love energy. This Aikidotchi is not to be confused with the "Tantric"-dotchi, details of whom I will not discuss in this family channel. Also, there's one variation of the "Fruity"-dotchi called the "Stinky"-gotchi which emanates icky smells rather than love energy.

If you're diligent, in about forty game years or so (if your battery doesn't run out beforehand), you might -- just might -- get yourself a "Shihan"-dotchi. Some people say that only Aikidotchi that were made in Japan (rather than manufactured in the United States) can become "Shihan"-dotchi, but reports differ on this detail. With the "Shihan"-dotchi, you can actually start making _money_ by charging other Aikidotchi to hook up to your "Shihan"-dotchi in little Aikidotchi-seminars. You get money, the other Aikidotchi get to share in your wisdom. But watch out -- if you try this too early, you'll become what's known as a "Fifth kyu Shihan"-dotchi, and there's no cure for that but a lot of ukemi.

There's also some sort of "Aikido-L"-dotchi. All these little Aikidotchi only want to hook up to the Internet (special modem and/or 10baseT connectors, sold separately) to talk to other "Aikido-L"-dotchi. It starts to stay online for hours and hours on end, exchanging e-mail, flames, and witty puns for no apparent reason. If you get one of these, there's nothing you can really do except maybe just unplug their batteries.