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Old 12-10-2005, 07:25 AM   #1
John Matsushima
 
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Contagious Diseases in Aikido

A little sarcasm fueled by a lot of irritation.

1. SHODANITIS....

DESCRIPTION: neurotic syndrome that occurs when a person gets a black belt and the next day he is teaching everyone how to "really" do the techniques correctly.

SYMPTOMS: Excessive air coming from the main facial orfice. Frequent interruptions of practice to "help" you.

TREATMENT: A good kick in the croch area

-John Matsushima

My blog on Japanese culture
http://onecorneroftheplanetinjapan.blogspot.jp/
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Old 12-10-2005, 07:31 AM   #2
John Matsushima
 
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Re: Contagious Diseases in Aikido

2. MAGIC BEAN COMPLEX

DESCRIPTION: You try and try to do a technique many different ways. You try exactly how sensei shows it. It even worked the last 5000 times you did it, but for some reason, uke just isn't moving. Then suddenly he gives you his "magic beans", or words of advice. He tells you something like "hold your breath and click your heals together three times". You do what he says and suddenly, the uke goes flying through the air!!

SYMPTOMS: An uke who is already pulling the opposite direction that he knows you are going to go before you start, or he completely relaxes and let's go of your hand just before you take his balance. His magic beans only work with him.

TREATMENT: A good kick in the balls.

-John Matsushima

My blog on Japanese culture
http://onecorneroftheplanetinjapan.blogspot.jp/
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Old 12-10-2005, 03:45 PM   #3
Sam Williams
 
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Re: Contagious Diseases in Aikido

3. OVER ZEALOUS SENSEI

DESCRIPTION: You are training with a fellow student, he is struggling to get the technique and asks Sensei to help. Your fellow student takes a knee whilst you are Sensei's uke. He performs the technique on you and applies the pin, he then proceeds to to tell the student how you cant get up from said pin, but Sensei has applied the pin Wong so you sit up to show that you can get up. He then tries to force you back down, in the process punching you in the forehead.

SYMPTOMS: Being told not to be "awkward", complete lack of aikido use by said sensei to re-apply pin. Sprained Elbows and bruises.

TREATMENT: tsuki to the bollocks, doesn't treat the injury but makes you feel much better. (use tiger balm for the elbow)

The pen is mightier than the sword.
But a sword
Dipped in ink,
Now,
That's a good compromise.
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Old 12-11-2005, 05:11 PM   #4
emma.mason15
Dojo: Shima Arashi Dojo
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Re: Contagious Diseases in Aikido

UKEITIS

SYMPTOMS : over zealous uke .... who when a technique is being applied tends to "forsee" the fall ect and "throws" themselves in to it a beat or so too early ... thus dragging you also to the floor .... or kicking you in the head ect

TREATMENT: doing the same back .... or in severe cases ... a swift kick to the groin area ...

Dance your cares away .... worry for another day ... let the music play .... down in fraggle rock!

when bored ... do as I do. Poke a patient!
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Old 12-11-2005, 08:11 PM   #5
RebeccaM
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Re: Contagious Diseases in Aikido

Man, why bother with aikido if everything can be solved witha kick in the nuts? :P
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Old 12-12-2005, 02:57 AM   #6
ruthmc
Dojo: Wokingham Aikido
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Re: Contagious Diseases in Aikido

5. NERVOUS UKE-ITIS

DESCRIPTION: Uke is a little worried about receiving technique, so s/he attacks you with all the velocity and effectiveness of a limp lettuce leaf..

SYMPTOMS: Renders tori's technique as inefective as the attack

TREATMENT: A thorough explanation of what "Hit me!" really means!

Ruth
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Old 12-12-2005, 07:13 AM   #7
Yann Golanski
 
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Re: Contagious Diseases in Aikido

6. KICKINTHENUTSAITUS.

Description: A sharp kick in the nether regions, generally only the male ones.

Symptoms: Being annoying or offensive or just plain wrong appear to be symptomes.

Treatment: Work on tai sabaki, lots of tai sabaki. Alternative medicine suggest that Qui Gon may help there. The best treatement is to stop being an ashat.

The people who understand, understand prefectly.
yann@york-aikido.org York Shodokan Aikido
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Old 12-12-2005, 09:18 AM   #8
bkedelen
 
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Re: Contagious Diseases in Aikido

Just because I am a word nazi:
People are contagious, diseases are infectious.
That is all.
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Old 12-12-2005, 09:36 AM   #9
ruthmc
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Re: Contagious Diseases in Aikido

Quote:
Benjamin Edelen wrote:
Just because I am a word nazi:
People are contagious, diseases are infectious.
That is all.
You're right!

This topic would be better entitled "Contagious People in Aikido"

Ruth
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Old 12-13-2005, 12:42 PM   #10
Chiburi
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Re: Contagious Diseases in Aikido

No-Throwitus

Symptoms: Your partner, though no longer a newbie, refuses to really throw you. You (poor uke) must take a roll on your own istead of an overhead.

Cure: Show your partner how it's done.
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Old 12-13-2005, 03:56 PM   #11
Lorien Lowe
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Re: Contagious Diseases in Aikido

ukeitis, alternative sypmptoms:
uke insists on taking a breakfall any time nage throws them with a half-way decent technique,regardless of how crowded the mat is.

cure: "you know, you don't really need to do that... I promise I won't dislocate anything."
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Old 12-15-2005, 07:20 PM   #12
aikidodragon
Dojo: North West Arkansas Aikido
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Re: Contagious Diseases in Aikido

well I don't know exactly how to lable it but you know how the bron belts get so excited in the weeks leading up to their black belt test?
Well if not heres what to look for:
injured uke
trying to convence the lower ranked students that he is correct even if he is messing up
there more I just can't think at the moment.
No matter the treatment is semple
one black belt test should do nicely, if not you're on your own.
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Old 12-16-2005, 01:30 AM   #13
Lorien Lowe
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Re: Contagious Diseases in Aikido

How about nausea?

-LK
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Old 12-16-2005, 07:58 AM   #14
Ben Eaton
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Re: Contagious Diseases in Aikido

IMMOBILEUKEMIA

Description: Nage stepping on uke's hand during the throw of kaitenage.

Symptoms: Uke after kaitenage finds self flattened on the mat halfway through ukemi.

Treatment: *Look* before throwing and keep awareness up. Don't blend feet with hands.
That or a good swift kick in the groin area afterwards by said uke.
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Old 12-16-2005, 08:55 AM   #15
happysod
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Re: Contagious Diseases in Aikido

HAKAMETOSIS

SYMPTOMS: inability to put down or take up mats due to the intricacies of their hakama knots and the deep philosophical meditation needed to get the pleats "just so" while looking as though they have inadvertently sat on something sharp.

TREATMENT: Assuming aural treatment has proved ineffective, two main forms of treatment are available - the isolationists view is to shield the afflicted uke from the rest of the dojo by building a wall of mats right in front of them. Once the uke has managed to realize the only way out is to put them away, a cure is affected. The "short-sharp-shock" adherents believe the correct application of super-glue to the hakama pleats during practice, ensuring correct alignment is never achieved again and generally giving more fun to the dojo at large is warranted.
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Old 12-16-2005, 12:23 PM   #16
giriasis
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Re: Contagious Diseases in Aikido

Quote:
Sara Parson wrote:
well I don't know exactly how to lable it but you know how the bron belts get so excited in the weeks leading up to their black belt test?
Well if not heres what to look for:
injured uke
trying to convence the lower ranked students that he is correct even if he is messing up
there more I just can't think at the moment.
No matter the treatment is semple
one black belt test should do nicely, if not you're on your own.
I got the name for you:

A.K.A. BROWNBELTITUS aka Brown Belt Syndrome


KNOWITALLNEWBIEITIUS

DESCRIPTION:

A new person joins the dojo and insists on teaching their senior partners. Often times they will definentively tell you that you are doing the technique wrong or tell you how to do the technique.

SYMPTOMS:

Extreme annoyance with said newbie and desire to plaster said newbie into the mat.

TREATMENT:

Five different types of "medicine" works: 1. Ignore said ruminations of said newbie and just "show them the technique" but nicely. 2. If said newbie continues, then offer no instruction with their technique. 3. Have them train with the black belts. 4. Remind them that you have been training for "x" years and they have only been training for "x" hours. and 5. Kick them in the balls if #1-#4 does not work.

Last edited by giriasis : 12-16-2005 at 12:26 PM.

Anne Marie Giri
Women in Aikido: a place where us gals can come together and chat about aikido.
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Old 12-16-2005, 01:31 PM   #17
Lan Powers
Dojo: Aikido of Midland, Midland TX
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Re: Contagious Diseases in Aikido

Since the treatment of almost EVERY form of "'osis" or "-'itus" seems to involve kicking the offender in the googlies, might I take a moment to remind all and sundry that it is best to curl their toes up to strike with the ball of the foot.
this public service announcement brought to you by everyone who has worn two toes taped together.
Lan

Play nice, practice hard, but remember, this is a MARTIAL art!
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Old 12-16-2005, 01:32 PM   #18
Lan Powers
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Re: Contagious Diseases in Aikido

Don't forget Yonkyosis....the almost unstoppable urge to "grip" each forearm within reach.
Guilty, I admit it.
Lan (again)

Play nice, practice hard, but remember, this is a MARTIAL art!
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Old 01-02-2006, 07:14 PM   #19
raheli
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Re: Contagious Diseases in Aikido

And how about

AIKIDO WITHDRAWAL
Description: For some reason, you cannot go to aikido for a few months/weeks/days, depending on the severity of your addiction.
Symptoms: Obsessive review of all aspects of aikido that can be done alone. Ukemi, shikko, kata all become very good; all other skills deteriorate.Frequent viewing of video clips with close attention. Attempt to interest all acquaintances in aikido in order to get a ride to dojo/train with SOMEBODY/ start your own dojo depending on how good you are. Severe cases may hallucinate imaginary training partners.
Treatment: One of the few aikido-related diseases that cannot be cured by a kick in the balls. The only effective treatment is to take the patient to dojo, although palliative measures such as exercise or training in some other martial art can alleviate the symptoms.
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Old 01-22-2006, 08:28 AM   #20
Taliesin
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Re: Contagious Diseases in Aikido

HAKEMTISIS

Slightly different to HAKEMETOSIS (see Above)

This disorder will last for life or as long as you wear a Hakema. There are a variety of symtoms. Fistly a totally bewildered expression on behalf of the sufferer as his mind strugges with the immesity of tying the bloody thing on properly.

The secondary stage is charecterised by frequently falling over, and some extreme cases the breaking of ankles whilst attempting complicated movents such as walking, Tenkans or any other Aikido related activitity.

Condition last as long as Hakema is worn - there is no cure.
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Old 02-15-2006, 01:34 PM   #21
Jennifer Grahn
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Re: Contagious Diseases in Aikido

Littlekiddyitis:
When lots of litle kids and beginners show up for class to prepare for upcoming test, and you have to do very basic throws again and again on soft, squashy beings, and take unnecessary falls again and again, while feeling your bruises and sore spots go over the mats from last time when all the sempai came and you got pounded. Symptoms also include boredom (something you thought wasn't possible in an aikido class) and surreptitious glancings at the clock.
Remedies:
glomming onto any adults who happen to be present and getting in some "real" practice time while you can; doing yonkyo on said small beings while smiling sweetly; kicking said small beings where it counts.
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Old 02-15-2006, 03:40 PM   #22
aikidoc
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Re: Contagious Diseases in Aikido

Kifartisis-desire to expel gas when extending ki

tobu-ukeminutitis-smacking the nards with the other leg when taking a high fall-male only condition. Characterized by a pain in the stomach followed by the voice becoming higher.
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Old 02-15-2006, 04:52 PM   #23
aikidodragon
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Re: Contagious Diseases in Aikido

I have noticed that most of these "disorders" seem to afflict men more then women.
Very interesting.
lol Sensei Riggs i have been in a dojo full of people afflicted with the first disorder. Personally I find it to be quit amusing.

:kiAikido is just origami with people.
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Old 02-21-2006, 01:30 PM   #24
merlynn
 
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Re: Contagious Diseases in Aikido

Quote:
John Matsushima wrote:
A little sarcasm fueled by a lot of irritation.

1. SHODANITIS....

DESCRIPTION: neurotic syndrome that occurs when a person gets a black belt and the next day he is teaching everyone how to "really" do the techniques correctly.

SYMPTOMS: Excessive air coming from the main facial orfice. Frequent interruptions of practice to "help" you.

TREATMENT: A good kick in the croch area
i think my sensei has that

some things are so dear and so precious you have to let them go
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Old 02-21-2006, 03:03 PM   #25
Steve Mullen
Dojo: White Rose (Sunderland)
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Re: Contagious Diseases in Aikido

oh-my-god-my-lunch-is-coming-back-up-e-itis

SYMPTOMS

That horrible feeling, usually after taking hard ukemi, when you lunch, just fir a moment, threatens to show it's self again.

TREATMENT

Run to the bathroom, failing that an open gi can work wonders.

"No matter your pretence, you are what you are and nothing more." - Kenshiro Abbe Shihan
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