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Old 12-05-2005, 06:50 PM   #1
Kevin Temple
Dojo: Jinbukan
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Canada
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How Do I Beat People Up Using Aikido

I am taking aikido and it is tons of fun, but I have this friend I was hoping I'd be able to beat up. He thinks he's so good at martial arts and I want to wipe the smug grin off his face. He has a 5th degree black belt in karate, a 3rd degree black belt in judo, is the reigning champion of the local illegal cage fighting circuit and also founded a style of kung-fu. Any tips and techniques would be appreciated. I was thinking maybe get him really drunk and catch him off guard with a high-five transfering quickly into nikajo, but I am open to other suggestions.
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Old 12-05-2005, 07:44 PM   #2
xuzen
 
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Re: How Do I Beat People Up Using Aikido

Thought we had a troll on board, but then realised it is in the Humour thread. Oh well, have fun with this one people.

Boon.

SHOMEN-ATE (TM), the solution to 90% of aikido and life's problems.
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Old 12-06-2005, 12:00 AM   #3
CNYMike
Dojo: Finger Lakes Aikido
Location: Cortland, NY
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Re: How Do I Beat People Up Using Aikido

Quote:
Kevin Temple wrote:
I am taking aikido and it is tons of fun, but I have this friend I was hoping I'd be able to beat up. He thinks he's so good at martial arts and I want to wipe the smug grin off his face. He has a 5th degree black belt in karate, a 3rd degree black belt in judo, is the reigning champion of the local illegal cage fighting circuit and also founded a style of kung-fu. Any tips and techniques would be appreciated. I was thinking maybe get him really drunk and catch him off guard with a high-five transfering quickly into nikajo, but I am open to other suggestions.
It's very simple. You must use O Sensei's most poweful, devastating, technique, the Forgotten Technique. It was truly awe inspiring. Ukemi for this usually involved parachutes, retro rockets, very thick pillows a HUUUUUUGE catcher's mit. The technique sent shockwaves through the space/time continuum, so that any martial artist who even thought of challenging the Forgotten Technique would crap in his pants two days before doing it and call it. Your smug friend would be a pile of goo in two seconds if you used the Forgotten technqiue. His great-grand children's third-cousins-twice-removed-classroom's-dentist's-appartment-super's-brother-in-law's-accountant's-mechanic's-girlfriend's-annoying little borther would get a concussion.

I'd tell you what the Forgotten technique was .....

But I forgot it. So you're doomed.

Nice knowin' ya.

Mike
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Old 12-06-2005, 02:27 AM   #4
Yann Golanski
 
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Re: How Do I Beat People Up Using Aikido

A large truck driven at 150kph?....

The people who understand, understand prefectly.
yann@york-aikido.org York Shodokan Aikido
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Old 12-06-2005, 02:31 AM   #5
happysod
Dojo: Kiburn, London, UK
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Re: How Do I Beat People Up Using Aikido

Challenge him to a full-contact hakama folding competition in seiza - after about 10minutes of his being unable to get the damn pleats correct, he'll be unable to stand up thus leaving him open to bokken practice.
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Old 12-06-2005, 03:39 AM   #6
Nick Simpson
Dojo: White Rose Aikido - Durham University
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Re: How Do I Beat People Up Using Aikido

Damn those pleats, they are the bane of my life!

They're all screaming about the rock n roll, but I would say that it's getting old. - REFUSED.
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Old 12-06-2005, 03:49 AM   #7
Steve Mullen
Dojo: White Rose (Sunderland)
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Re: How Do I Beat People Up Using Aikido

"But being this is a .44 Magnum — the most powerful handgun in the world — and would blow your head clean off," get the point, failing that a baseball bat with a nail through the top could work

"No matter your pretence, you are what you are and nothing more." - Kenshiro Abbe Shihan
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Old 12-06-2005, 05:29 AM   #8
Tim Gerrard
 
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Re: How Do I Beat People Up Using Aikido

In Arnie Voice: "Soviet Patparine, nine-point-two milimeter, is world's most powerful handgun."

Sorry it had to be said.


But definate advocate of boards with a nail in them

Aikido doesn't work? My Aikido works, what on earth are you practicing?!
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Old 12-06-2005, 08:23 AM   #9
Steve Mullen
Dojo: White Rose (Sunderland)
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Re: How Do I Beat People Up Using Aikido

if you can find a table leg you are quids in as most of them have the screw burried into it but sticking out a good few inches.........anyway........ill go now

"No matter your pretence, you are what you are and nothing more." - Kenshiro Abbe Shihan
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Old 12-06-2005, 08:56 AM   #10
merlynn
 
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Re: How Do I Beat People Up Using Aikido

sorry guys i gotta go with a 2 by 4 works well, failing that do a marathon using shikko only it will take him out in no time mwahahahahaha

some things are so dear and so precious you have to let them go
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Old 12-06-2005, 09:59 AM   #11
James Davis
 
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Re: How Do I Beat People Up Using Aikido

Nuke the guy.

"The only difference between Congress and drunken sailors is that drunken sailors spend their own money." -Tom Feeney, representative from Florida
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Old 12-06-2005, 01:27 PM   #12
merlynn
 
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Re: How Do I Beat People Up Using Aikido

could always use the good old fashioned nut cracker

some things are so dear and so precious you have to let them go
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Old 12-06-2005, 02:05 PM   #13
MaryKaye
Dojo: Seattle Ki Society
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Re: How Do I Beat People Up Using Aikido

The answer to people like this is often to challenge them to something they'll see as really sissy or effeminate. If you are willing to do public demos while wearing a pink tutu and fluffy bunny ears, and they aren't--you win!


Mary Kaye
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Old 12-06-2005, 09:49 PM   #14
RebeccaM
Dojo: Boulder Aikikai
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Re: How Do I Beat People Up Using Aikido

Challenge him to a few rounds of thumb-wrestling and put him in kotegaishi.
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Old 12-08-2005, 10:32 AM   #15
Eric Webber
Dojo: Aikido West Reading
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Re: How Do I Beat People Up Using Aikido

Eat a large onion, challenge him to a staring contest , and when he settles in induce a large belch and blow hardy at his face. He will blink back the tears ... or fall over from the fumes .
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Old 12-08-2005, 02:21 PM   #16
tenshinaikidoka
 
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Re: How Do I Beat People Up Using Aikido

Destroying a bridge might look easy in the movies, but remember: They're designed to withstand the immense shear-forces of wind and weather. Deploying an underwater M-32 satchel charge at the base of each load-bearing pylon looks like the answer, but it might not even shake a modern riveted steel highway or railroad bridge. Without delving into the complex language of the guerrilla combat engineer, the best advice I can give you is to forgo subtlety in favor of brute force: Put two satchel charges at each X-shaped trestle buck, and this should rob the bridge of any reinforcing strength and cause it to buckle nicely.

Oh, wait, sorry, this is not the Navy Seal thread..my bad!!!!!! LOL
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Old 12-09-2005, 10:03 AM   #17
CNYMike
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Re: How Do I Beat People Up Using Aikido

Take a cue from the Speedy Bird school, and use your ki to lead your attacker right over a cliff. Make sure he has a little sign that says "Oh, no."
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Old 12-09-2005, 10:16 AM   #18
James Davis
 
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Re: How Do I Beat People Up Using Aikido

Quote:
Michael Gallagher wrote:
Take a cue from the Speedy Bird school, and use your ki to lead your attacker right over a cliff. Make sure he has a little sign that says "Oh, no."
Yeah, and give 'em time to blink a couple times and lift the sign before gravity takes effect!

"The only difference between Congress and drunken sailors is that drunken sailors spend their own money." -Tom Feeney, representative from Florida
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Old 12-09-2005, 11:57 AM   #19
Kevin Temple
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Re: How Do I Beat People Up Using Aikido

Or I could just send him lots of awesome-looking gadgets that always seem to backfire and make him explode, or fall off a cliff, or explode, then fall off a cliff, or fall off a cliff, then explode.


I wouldn't be surprised if roadrunner had a stake in acme corporation, by the way. Thats why he can avoid the traps so easily.
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Old 12-09-2005, 03:45 PM   #20
James Davis
 
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Re: How Do I Beat People Up Using Aikido

Quote:
Kevin Temple wrote:
Or I could just send him lots of awesome-looking gadgets that always seem to backfire and make him explode, or fall off a cliff, or explode, then fall off a cliff, or fall off a cliff, then explode.


I wouldn't be surprised if roadrunner had a stake in acme corporation, by the way. Thats why he can avoid the traps so easily.
If you waited until he was standing close to a cliff, you could sneak up behind him and scare him over the edge with a loud, strong kiai...

MEEP MEEP!!

"The only difference between Congress and drunken sailors is that drunken sailors spend their own money." -Tom Feeney, representative from Florida
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Old 12-09-2005, 11:29 PM   #21
Ulises Garcia
 
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Re: How Do I Beat People Up Using Aikido

Quote:
Kevin Temple wrote:
Or I could just send him lots of awesome-looking gadgets that always seem to backfire and make him explode, or fall off a cliff, or explode, then fall off a cliff, or fall off a cliff, then explode.


I wouldn't be surprised if roadrunner had a stake in acme corporation, by the way. Thats why he can avoid the traps so easily.
Hey, no wonder. Rumor has it that he designed those traps.

"He who dies with the most toys...still dies."
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Old 12-21-2005, 09:50 AM   #22
Eric Webber
Dojo: Aikido West Reading
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Re: How Do I Beat People Up Using Aikido

Hire the A-Team; if they're not available, look up Chuck Norris.
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Old 12-21-2005, 11:20 AM   #23
Mats Alritzson
Dojo: Malmö Aikidoklubb
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Re: How Do I Beat People Up Using Aikido

The answer is obvious; tai no henko.
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Old 12-21-2005, 12:11 PM   #24
Matt Molloy
Dojo: Azami Kai
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Re: How Do I Beat People Up Using Aikido

How about printing out all the threads about Aikido vs whatever martial art, then all the threads with reference to BJJ.

Then ball all that paper up and it should undergo some kind of gravitational collapse.

Look at your newly formed black hole.

Chuck your opponent into it.

Job done.

Cheers,

Matt.

Of course, Eric's suggestion about hiring Chuck Norris would always work too but make sure that you pay up on time or you could die a terrible, roundhouse kick related death.

M.
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Old 12-21-2005, 02:02 PM   #25
Yo-Jimbo
Dojo: formerly Windward Aikido, formerly at Keewenaw Schools of Aikido (ASU)
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Re: How Do I Beat People Up Using Aikido

Want to wipe that smug grin from his face?
When you see it, smile back big and genuine with amusement at your desire to defeat him. His smug grin will disappear from his face as you desire to remove it disappears. Small victory if he looks quizzically wondering why you are smiling. Larger victory if he smiles genuinely back. True victory if you no longer compare your smile to his.
Another aikido option, train for 100 years, stay healthy, when he dies, go and kneel next to his grave. Place your hand on the grave, pinning him. He won't get up. Be gracious and thank him for the training. Don't expect a reply.

"One does not find wisdom in another's words." -James D. Chye
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