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Old 10-02-2003, 08:42 AM   #1
jxa127
Dojo: Itten Dojo -- Mechanicsburg, PA
Location: Harrisburg, PA
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Cool Another aikido joke

Okay,

An aikidoka goes to see his shrink.

He says, "Doctor, I had a dream last night that I was a tepee, and the night before I dreampt that I was a wigwam.:

The doctor said: "You just need to relax, you're two tents."

-Drew

----
-Drew Ames
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Old 10-02-2003, 09:33 AM   #2
Jim ashby
Dojo: Phoenix Coventry
Location: Coventry, England
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Two hydrogen atoms go into a bar. as they approach the bar one starts patting his pockets and says "hey, I've lost my electron!" The other one says "are you sure?" The first replies "yes I'm positive".

Oh dear.

Jim.

Vir Obesus Stola Saeptus
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Old 10-02-2003, 09:53 AM   #3
Yann Golanski
 
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For those two jokes, both of you diserve to get 100 kote gaeshi...

BTW, if every full moon I turn into a nice little cottage, does that make me a were-house.

Sorry.

The people who understand, understand prefectly.
yann@york-aikido.org York Shodokan Aikido
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Old 10-02-2003, 01:22 PM   #4
jxa127
Dojo: Itten Dojo -- Mechanicsburg, PA
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Noah safely guides the animals of the Earth to dry land following the flood. He opens the ark's doors and tells them all to go forth and multiply.

Two snakes hang around after the other animals have left. Noah asks if he can help them in any way.

They reply by asking him to cut down a tree and chop it up. Noah asks why.

"We're adders" the snakes reply, "We need logs to multiply."



Okay, so it's not an aikido joke.

Regards,

----
-Drew Ames
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Old 10-03-2003, 12:51 AM   #5
Paul Kerr
 
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The Zanshin Joke:

Two guys are walking down the road. One of them walked into a bar...


Last edited by Paul Kerr : 10-03-2003 at 12:54 AM.

Paul Kerr
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Old 10-03-2003, 01:44 AM   #6
Jim ashby
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A dyslexic guy walked into a bra........

Have fun.

Vir Obesus Stola Saeptus
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Old 10-03-2003, 08:47 AM   #7
DaveO
Dojo: Great Wave Aikido
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Q: How many non-aikidoists does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: None - they all live in eternal darkness.

(Oooh, that's lame! )

Answers are only easy when they're incomplete.
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Old 10-03-2003, 04:48 PM   #8
shihonage
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I like the other version of this joke.

___________

A patient goes to see psychiatrist.

He says, "Doctor, I had a dream last night that I was a tepee, and the night before I dreampt that I was a wigwam. What is wrong with me ??"

Doctor says, "It is quite simple. You're a stupid fucking idiot."

Last edited by shihonage : 10-03-2003 at 04:53 PM.
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Old 10-03-2003, 04:53 PM   #9
ChristianBoddum
 
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I can't wait 'til we get to Gary Larson !
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Old 10-04-2003, 01:31 PM   #10
Jim ashby
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Rene Descartes was in the fish and chip shop. When asked if he wanted salt and vinegar on his chips he replied "I think not" and promptly disappeared.

Think about it.....

Jim

Vir Obesus Stola Saeptus
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Old 10-06-2003, 08:04 AM   #11
jxa127
Dojo: Itten Dojo -- Mechanicsburg, PA
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James,

I think, therefore...I get the joke.

Regards,

-Drew

----
-Drew Ames
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Old 10-06-2003, 11:39 AM   #12
indomaresa
Dojo: Aiki Kenkyukai
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what do you do to a stubborn newbie?

when partnering him/her, pretend to fail a technique when sensei is walking by, during nikkyo or yonkyo variations

what do you do to make people join the dojo?

everyone should pretend to execute their technique effortlessly while chatting with each other and the uke helps by flying several metres away, yelling terrifiedly all the way

what do you do to avoid being called by the sensei during session?

breathing heavily after each technique, loosen your belt and start fixing it, hold your arm limply and pretend to nurse it, or just avoid eye contact. ( these tricks are not 100% guaranteed - they're not workable with sadistic senseis )

How do you make your arm unbendable?

let the tester try bending someone else's first

What's so good about hakamas?

they're black.. didn't you watch matrix?

why woodens swords?

recycleable

why are hakamas so expensive?

seven pillars of budo

Why only seven?

how much more are you gonna pay for a hakama?

why shouldn't all newbies wear hakamas from the first day?

they're expensive

what's the best thing about wearing a hakama?

if you fail a technique, it's because you trip on your hakama

anyone?

The road is long...
The path is steep...
So hire a guide to show you the shortcuts
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Old 10-06-2003, 11:51 AM   #13
BKimpel
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Ha ha, "failing" to do yonkyo and asking sensei to "help" you works on stubborn oldies too!

That's a classic

Bruce

Bruce Kimpel
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Old 10-10-2003, 11:23 AM   #14
indomaresa
Dojo: Aiki Kenkyukai
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aikido mathematics;

koshinage + newbie = 0, he's not coming back

nikkyo + sankyo + kotegaeshi = 3 months of recovery

---------------------------------------------

aikido physics;

if an aikidoka has a body resistance of x, capable of withstanding an impact of 360 Kg/day and an average mis-executed shihonage has an impact power of 12.5 Kg. How many shihonages is needed to pulverize him? (Rounded down)

If an aikidoka has a recovery rate of 7.5 Kg / throw, and an average practice allows only 20 mis-executed shihonage before sensei intervenes, how many practices until the subject is obliterated? Also calculate mis-executed koshinages. Impact power = 17.5 Kg

-------------------------------------------

aikido accounting

If aikido fees every month are 20 US$, and the requirements of kyu testing for kyu 5 to shodan are respectively 30, 60, 60, 70, 80, 90 hours, The requirements for a yudansha exam is 120 hours plus 20.000 yen. Calculate the "cost" of the black belt and the number of practice needed if the training is two hours-a-day, twice-a-week.

If every practice allows you to be thrown at least fifty times. Calculate the amount of throws needed to reach shodan. Also calculate the cost / throw.

Now, I'd like to inform you that I'm paying 2.50 US$ a month, so go ahead and calculate my cost / throw. ^_^

*laughing with glee

The road is long...
The path is steep...
So hire a guide to show you the shortcuts
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Old 10-13-2003, 03:36 PM   #15
Jane Woodcock
 
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Talking

maresa,

didn't you know the answer to, life, the universe, and everything is 42?
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Old 10-16-2003, 10:59 AM   #16
indomaresa
Dojo: Aiki Kenkyukai
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sshhh...jane, don't tell EVERYONE

if everybody knows the secret of the universe, we'll all have to stop learning aikido and start doing something useful

like.. college, or work. blech..

^0^

The road is long...
The path is steep...
So hire a guide to show you the shortcuts
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Old 10-16-2003, 12:13 PM   #17
markwalsh
Dojo: Airenjuku Brighton
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Did you hear that Bob that builder opened a dojo. Its called...

Yeswekan!

UKA summer school joke.

Apologies
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Old 10-22-2003, 07:20 AM   #18
indomaresa
Dojo: Aiki Kenkyukai
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phew..

so busy, work never stops

here's one to cheer myself up

---------------------------------------------

an aikidoka, a scientist and a businessman is stranded on an island. They found a genie-in-a-lamp deal and quickly rubs it.

the genie pops out and gave them the regular deal, one request per person.

The scientist immediately asks; "send me to my lab immediately, I think I just realized the formula to turn water into gold"

Poof! he's gone

The businessman eagerly says; "send me to wall street now, I think I've figured a sure-way to make a killing on the market."

Poof! he's gone

The Aikidoka just ponders, and ponders, and ponders...

The genie, being a busy spirit tries to hurry him up; "hey, any request will do - what's on your mind right now?"

The aikidoka then says; "well, i've always been wondering if my Futarigake is correct. Could you call those two people back here? I need to test it"

POOF!!!

The road is long...
The path is steep...
So hire a guide to show you the shortcuts
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Old 11-19-2003, 07:20 AM   #19
ranZ
 
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teacher : you know, i'm actually a bit crazy.

student : sure we know, that's why we think you're cool.

teacher : do you know why i'm cool?

student : why?

teacher : coz i always use air conditioner.

student : (*fell down from the chair...*)

(probably the lamest yet funiest joke my sensei told me)

Imho Viggo Mortensen should've played Last Samurai!
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Old 11-19-2003, 08:00 AM   #20
Ted Marr
Location: Providence, RI
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Old joke, but still a good one....

Q: How many Aikidoka [or whatever other MA you want] does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: 15,000. One to change the lightbulb, and 14,999 to stand around and say "well, in MY dojo we do it slightly differently..."
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Old 11-19-2003, 09:05 AM   #21
indomaresa
Dojo: Aiki Kenkyukai
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hi wulan,

is that joke really from K sensei?

I'm having a hard time imagining him say it

----------------------------------

here's one;

A multi-level business expert is riding the bullet train in Japan. Sitting beside him is a grey haired person who looks serene.

He immediately launches into business mode and begin his presentation.

expert: ... and I have reached a rank of "diamond". In case you didn't know.. it means I have over one thousand downlines under me that extends all over japan.

grey hair: i see.. what happens if you have ten thousand?

expert: you'll achieve the rank of "double diamond", and be able to travel all over the world. All expense paid by the organization.

The Grey haired man seems to ponder this quietly, and then asks again,

greyhair: what if I have a hundred thousand?

The expert enthusiastically answered;

expert: well, no one in the organization has ever reached that level, but YOU could be the first one. How about it? interested?

Another lengthy pause.. and then he politely declined. The expert is dissapointed, but then he inquired again the gray haired man on his reason.

grey hair: well, I've already have over one thousand follower and my trip to any country in the world is always paid for. I'm also on the top of my organization.

the expert is appalled by the response.

expert: what rank are you in your organization?

grey hair: i'm a doshu

The road is long...
The path is steep...
So hire a guide to show you the shortcuts
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Old 11-20-2003, 09:57 AM   #22
ranZ
 
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hmm... imagening what would happen if doshu was into Multi Level Marketing... Every akidoka will have to buy so-and-so aiki products, and for every new member, you get a 20% discount on your next monthly payment. hehehe..

(*then again i just remember, there is a MA here that uses MLM system to expand, and now they've got thousands of students *)

-------------

Maresa, yup, that's K-sensei's original & plenty more where it came from... hehehe.

(* you'd be surprised at some of the stuff he sez ^^; *)

Imho Viggo Mortensen should've played Last Samurai!
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Old 11-28-2003, 10:17 AM   #23
JeffBayard
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Talking A very rank joke....

The other day I was hanging out with my friend Dan, and it occurred to me that if he had a son named Dan who had a son named Dan who had a son named Dan who had a son named Dan who had a son named Dan who had a son named Dan who had a son named Dan who had a son named Dan who had a son named Dan... (pauses to double check count)... then they'd have a 10th degree black belt in the family!
...he didn't get it. ...come to think of it, neither do I!
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Old 12-03-2003, 03:53 AM   #24
taras
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it recently dawned on me that in Aikido context the following sayings may have a new meaning:

"I don't trust him as far as I can throw him"

"The harder they come the harder they fall"
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Old 12-03-2003, 09:01 AM   #25
thisisnotreal
 
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if you were using your jo and your bokken at the same time, you'd be jokken.

groan...
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