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Old 03-08-2004, 04:57 AM   #1
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How Aikido disturbs my marriage

Dear Aikiweb-community,

I (m,30) wish to put my problem in front of you and I am asking for your advice. I train Aikido passionately for several years now. Before I had some training
in Karate. I really feel at home with the japanese mindset of courtesy and
humbleness and incorporated into my daily life. I am married for one year
now and very happy about this. My wife really likes my courtesy and strict
ethics. But from time to time she gets nervous about this. She claims, that
I do not discriminate between her and other people with respect to
politeness. She feels, that she is only one like the others with no
privilege. Of course I am not running around hugging or kissing women, but
the problems still persists: He, who is friendly to anyone, is really
friendly to no one, because he does not distinguish.

How can I show her, that she is more important to me than for example my
Aikido teacher, whom I truly admire. How do you explain the importance of
Aikido for your personal and spiritual self to your partner?
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Old 03-08-2004, 06:30 AM   #2
Yann Golanski
 
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Talk to her about it.

Ask her what _she_ would like you to do to make her feel special. Tell her how you feel about her and explain how you are trying to live your life. Make her understand your point of view and understand hers. It's all about harmony and it's something you two have to talk about. It's between you two and there's little any of us can contribute to that.

Best of luck.

The people who understand, understand prefectly.
yann@york-aikido.org York Shodokan Aikido
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Old 03-08-2004, 07:57 AM   #3
Choku Tsuki
 
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good compromise=two unhappy people

Quote:
How do you explain the importance of Aikido for your personal and spiritual self to your partner?
"This training helped make me who I am. You first met me after years of training. To remain the man you met, fell in love with and married, I must continue to train, or I will become unhappy, probably change and definitely cease to be me."
Quote:
How can I show her, that she is more important to me than for example my Aikido teacher, whom I truly admire.
Ask her what you'd have to do to prove it. Then do it.

Please note that I changed the order of your questions. It's important to let her know what may happen if she were to ask you to stop training.

Good luck.
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Old 03-08-2004, 08:09 AM   #4
SeiserL
 
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It does not sound like Aikido disturbs your marriage, but that your indiscriminate politeness disturbs you new wife because she does not feel special.

Like Aikido, it is hard to explain it to somebody, it is better to show them. Show your wife that she is in fact different and that she is special to you. We all want to feel special to someone.

IMHO and totally politically incorrect (which lends to its validity), many times a man has to learn that everything you say and do is a personal priority statement to your lady. Many woman has to learn that its not all about them.

Once married, you may have forgotten to do those special little things that you did when dating. Let her know you love her.

It isn't about Aikido, its about love. Okay, then it's about Aikido. ;-)

Lynn Seiser PhD
Yondan Aikido & FMA/JKD
We do not rise to the level of our expectations, but fall to the level of our training. Train well. KWATZ!
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Old 03-08-2004, 09:07 AM   #5
John Boswell
 
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You really do answer your own question you know. If one is as polite to their spouse as they are to everyone else... and the spouse no longer feels special or distingushed, then you have to go the extra mile for her/him.

Cards, poems, photos, gifts, jewelry, flowers, intimate dinner, a night out doing what SHE wants to do... all these things can and should be impromptu and at non-regular times in order to keep interest and love blooming.

If you do things only on a particular night, it will become routine. If you do things all the time, it will not be special... instead it will be smothering.

Also, encourage her to find something that she is as passionate about just as you are with aikido... and help foster that relationship in her life.

Marriage is a "balance" thing as many have mentioned. Play around with different ideas until you find just the right balance for you.

Best wishes!

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Old 03-08-2004, 10:08 AM   #6
Bronson
 
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Stop being polite to other people

Bronson

"A pacifist is not really a pacifist if he is unable to make a choice between violence and non-violence. A true pacifist is able to kill or maim in the blink of an eye, but at the moment of impending destruction of the enemy he chooses non-violence."
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Old 03-08-2004, 10:45 AM   #7
Janet Rosen
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Quote:
Lynn Seiser (SeiserL) wrote:
It does not sound like Aikido disturbs your marriage, but that your indiscriminate politeness disturbs you new wife because she does not feel special.(SNIP)

It isn't about Aikido, its about love. Okay, then it's about Aikido. ;-)
Lynn, that is right on!

From the perspective of a woman who has been married close to 25 yrs and whose husband does not train...

A "negative" approach ("If you don't let me train, then I'll be like this...") is NOT a good solution.

Gotta figure out what she thinks/feels she is missing (affection? special time spent together? a part of you nobody else has access to?). Then examine yourself--your interior life as well as your behavior--to examine how you may be contributing to this problem. Then work with her on concrete actions...

Me, if I've been at the dojo one night, I make sure I'm home for a nice dinner with my husband the next night. If I am at a Saturday morning class, I make sure we go out for a walk in the park in the afternoon, holding hands and chatting.
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Old 03-08-2004, 11:40 AM   #8
Leslie Parks
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Ancient, time honored method ...

jewelry...preferably with pretty, sparkly stones

works in my house!
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Old 03-08-2004, 12:49 PM   #9
shihonage
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Re: How Aikido disturbs my marriage

Start sleeping with your Aikido instructor.
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Old 03-08-2004, 03:19 PM   #10
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maybe if you deferred once in a while to her sense of priority it would help.

once in a while treat her to your time and availability.

if your sensei is reasonable how can he object to your harmonizing at home?
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Old 03-08-2004, 11:11 PM   #11
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A successful marriage requires that one continue to court one's mate beyond the wedding....

(Thanks to Ray Becvar, a professor of marriage and family therapy, for a comment similar to this one that he made at a seminar at which I had the opportunity to be a guest. WB)

(See, also, http://www.lovepublishing.com/catalo..._night_37.html)
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Old 03-12-2004, 01:23 PM   #12
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Without being obscene, do for her what you can't (shouldn't) do with another. Give her a night of passionate lovemaking with lots of foreplay and make her the center of the universe. Focus all attention on her and let her know what she means to you
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Old 03-12-2004, 05:49 PM   #13
ikkitosennomusha
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Well, I am the last one to ask for I have never taken a wife as of yet. So, here is my two cents anyway.

It sounds like you are polite by nature and you should not be asked to change character as long as its not offensive, e.g. you are not flirtatious or obnoxious with it. You have to look at you demeanor and ask yourself if it represents who you are or is it something that disrespects the wife. As long as it is altruistic and innocent, then the wife needs to work on the jealously issue.

Come home one night, clean up, put some liquid panty remover on (colonge), cook a meal, have rose petals floating in a hot bath, and you should now how to take it from there. When the deed is done kindly remind her that she is the only one to recieve what you gave her, not the others in the dojo!

Brad Medling
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Old 03-13-2004, 06:36 AM   #14
rachmass
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As a wife, I strongly suggest APPRECIATING her and SHOWING it. Let her know how much you appreciate her support of your aikido practice, and that her support allows your to do something extremely important. Unexpected little acts of kindness are important. Bring her flowers occassionaly; cook her dinner without her knowing about it; clean a room of the house; be in a good mood and not sulky. Lots of little things help.

best wishes,
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