Okay, this has got to be one of the funniest features on the web I've ever seen. Since some people would probably be offended even at a joke such at this at first sight, I'll do me first.
I have two orders of business regarding Jonathan. Let's start with my claim that in order to solve the big problems with Jonathan, we must first understand these problems, and to understand them, we must act against injustice, whether it concerns drunk driving, domestic violence, or even absolutism. We must worry about two kinds of detestable dipsomaniacs: negligent and unbridled. Jonathan is among the former.
If we are to condemn -- without hesitation, without remorse -- all those who condemn innocent people to death, then we must be guided by a healthy and progressive ideology, not by the lackadaisical and wayward ideologies that Jonathan promotes. What he fails to mention in his flimflams is actually quite telling. For example, did you know that he wants to toy with our opinions? Or that his cop-outs make many mainstream slimeballs nervous? We must illustrate the virtues that Jonathan lacks -- courage, truthfulness, courtesy, honesty, diligence, chivalry, loyalty, and industry. We must advocate social change through dialogue, passive resistance, and nonviolence. And we must embrace diversity. Please join me in incorporating these words into our living credo.