Some words are worth a thousand nikyos

Gretchen Rubin is a blogger on happiness and provided these fight phrases, which I have found through personal use, have dissolved situations. They are usually with spouses, but others can apply:

"here are twenty-three phrases that help turn down the heat of anger:

Please try to understand my point of view.
Wait, can I take that back?
You don't have to solve this--it helps me just to talk to you.
This is important to me. Please listen.
I overreacted.
I see you're in a tough position.
I can see my part in this.
I hadn't thought of it that way before.
I could be wrong.
Let's agree to disagree on that.
This isn't just your problem, it's our problem.
I'm feeling unappreciated. [Always, my craving for gold stars!]
We're getting off the subject.
You've convinced me.

Let's take a break for a few minutes. [If you can remember to do this, it's extremely effective - especially if you're having a big fight. After a break, it's almost impossible to go back to yelling.]

Please keep talking to me.
I realize it's not your fault.
That came out all wrong.
I see how I contributed to the problem.
What are we really fighting about?
How can I make things better?
I'm sorry.
I love you."

http://www.happiness-project.com/

To maintain happiness in a marriage, during an argument with your spouse the husband should always reply:

First five years of the marriage, "Yes Dear ".

The second five years of the marriage, "Yes Dear, your right ."

After ten years of marriage, "Yes Dear, your right and I am wrong ."

David

rather have a thousand nikkyos than some words, for example,

does this dress make me looks fat?
what you think of my parents?
what colors look good on me?
you know what today is?

crank on the nikkyo, baby!

I went to a workshop in Nonviolent Communication once... which a lot of these phrases reminded me of. There are some people so skilled in it that they work with the military etc.

I find some of them very, very annoying. But hey, please try to understand my point of view.

David Soroko wrote: I find some of them very, very annoying. But hey, please try to understand my point of view.

In a similar vein, I found that while my reaction to most of them was, "That would check my anger (at least in most situations," there were a few that felt to me more like something that someone would use as a shutting-down or shifting-blame tactic. These were:

Let's agree to disagree on that. [Depending on the context -- this can follow an honest and accurate articulation of different positions, in which case it comes across as an acceptance of the other POV and a statement that you don't intend to try and batter the other person into accepting your view...but it can also be a way of cutting off someone's articulation of their point of view before you've really heard it]

Please try to understand my point of view. [sometimes ok, sometimes has a connotation of, "If you don't agree with me, it's because you don't understand what I'm saying, and if you don't understand what I'm saying, it's because you're not trying."]

This is important to me. Please listen. [sometimes ok, sometimes has a connotation similar to the above: you can't be listening to me, because if you were listening you'd agree with me]

This isn't just your problem, it's our problem. [context dependent -- works well with a person who's feeling that it is their problem, doesn't work so well with someone who feels that it's your problem ]

We're getting off the subject. [Might work if you were clearly the one responsible for the drift and you're curtailing your own digression; otherwise probably usually sounds too much like, "I'm not interested in what you want to talk about/I want to avoid that subject"]

Let's take a break for a few minutes. [Again, can be a shutting-down tactic]

I realize it's not your fault.
I see how I contributed to the problem. [Both can fail when the other party is firmly convinced that the problem is 100% of your making and entirely your fault]

For the most part, though, I really like this list. I'm going to keep it handy. Thanks for posting it!

I was thinking about this a bit today, and I think I'd find it hard, in an argument, to not end each one with "but"...

Phi Truong wrote: rather have a thousand nikkyos than some words, for example, does this dress make me looks fat?...

One day when I was in a foul mood a friend asked me basically the same question. My reply was "No, not at all, it hides it beautifully. Nice choice for your shape."

Hi,

although I'm not normally a quarrelsome person and have near to never fights with my boyfriend (and if, then about kids' education), friends, colleagues etc..., I think I'd start to apply my thousand nikkyos and maybe some ushiro kiri otoshi if my boyfriend started this list on me.

EITHER you really think you have your part in the quarrel, want to stop the quarrel, see your errors etc., then there's no need for continuing, just correct whatever was your error. OR you use these words as coming out of the de-escalation phrasebook, and your quarrel partner thinks you don't take him and the quarrel serious. And THEN there is one more reason to quarrel.

If I want to convince someone,
EITHER I convince him
OR he convinces me
OR I just don't see the point to pursue
OR he doesn't see the point to pursue
but WHY should we agree to disagree?

If we disagree, then we disagree, if we agree, then we agree, if neither, then just forget about it, it wasn't worth the quarrel. But these nice words seem to me very formal and devoid of sense.

Like in the nineties this idea of "thinking positive". Just mentioning it woke already all possible and impossible negative thoughts in my mind. I just think and thought it is pure crap. If you force yourself into thinking positive, but there is nothing positive to think about, then you are just shutting your eyes to reality. It's nothing than a big hypocrisy.

Or, to give another aikido comparison, saying the words of this list is like over-complying uke who bends already before being "convinced" by an efficient technique. It's rather an insult to the partner.

So, please understand my point of view

Best regards,

Eva

My personal favorites:

I overreacted.
(At the least, this one halts escalation)

I hadn't thought of it that way before.
(This one basically tells the other that my position is not the only position)

That came out all wrong.
(Easy one to correct a misstep. Also good when you want to say something anyway but get away with it )

I see how I contributed to the problem.
I can see my part in this.
(These two are always the silver bullets for me when needed. )

I guess my only problem with lists like these is that they are often used insincerely. For example, sure, if you *do* over-react, by all means say "I'm sorry, let's start over, I think I over-reacted". But if all you're doing is saying it to defuse a situation when you in fact don't mean it, what are you really doing?

I think this points to a bigger, more important issue of learning to be honest in your discussion, both with yourself and the other person, and not let emotion, anger, whatever push you away from honest discussion. To have "special phrases" you whip out to try to defuse the situation strikes me as manipulation albeit done with "good" intentions. To be quite blunt, when someone starts talking to me like that I often find myself getting angry feeling as though I'm being patronized. Especially if I think they're insincere.

My own special phrase in a heated discussion is "Well, I'm sorry we're arguing. This isn't an important enough issue for me to invest so much time and emotion in discussing it further. Let's talk about something else."

Dishonesty breeds distrust which breeds more argument.

To reword an old saying, " If you can't say something honest then say nothing at all."

It takes at least two people to argue, if you don't argue there is no argument.

Arguing is more about dominance than cooperation.

David

meh, the root emotion of anger is hurt or inadequacy. I think if people keep that in mind they would be more opted to let people who offend us slide, than struggle with them.

Sometimes when we jump out of the helicopter into the ocean there is always the chance we land more on our face than standing straight up. It looks like I landed more on my face this time. (Marine Scout Swimmer)

If we stay in each of our own perspectives we can wring each others necks until the end of time. Or we can function in the larger grace and move beyond this death grip conflict.

David Skaggs wrote: To maintain happiness in a marriage, during an argument with your spouse the husband should always reply: First five years of the marriage, "Yes Dear ". The second five years of the marriage, "Yes Dear, your right ." After ten years of marriage, "Yes Dear, your right and I am wrong ." David

Want a cup of tea dear? ha ha ha!!!

Phi Truong wrote: rather have a thousand nikkyos than some words, for example, does this dress make me looks fat? what you think of my parents? what colors look good on me? you know what today is? crank on the nikkyo, baby!

I'm off to work now dear!!

She doesn't....... kept lady you see......

I'm sorry I love you. (Never ignore punctuation when arguing.)

"I'm sorry I hurt you" for if you're arguing with someone you care about, but you really care about what you're saying and don't want to give up on it.