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Old 05-03-2010, 10:27 AM   #76
"2cent"
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Re: Romantic Feelings for a Girl at the Dojo

It is my understanding that we should not limit individual liberties and rights of others in every corner of our lives. We have enough rules and regulations of how to behave already from personal intercourse and relationships at home, socially, and at work. We are almost constantly told or reminded of what we can and can't do by others.

If you in a high school, college, or other type of school are you told you can't date classmates the first day of class? That you can't like someone, or have become attracted to a classmate?

Safe to say, most Aikido classes charge for lessons, if your paying to be taught. You'er not paying to have someone restrict you from dating. Or control your personal or social life.

Well, it may be asked, what if something goes wrong. It brings problems into the dojo. My answer is that is one of countless problems brought into the dojo, More likely, what if two people just don't like each other, hate each other. Or you have one student who doesn't have the greatest personality or social skill and by the nature of that causes problems. These relationship issues occur far more frequently and are more disruptive and problematic than dating.

Also, if you pay for a class, the sensei relinquishes the idea that there are no boundaries and limits to his or her control or power. I have heard senseis say and imply they have absolute power and control in there dojos. They make the rules and those rules must and will be followed. Well, if you'er a dictator of country, and people have no choice, no freedom, no liberties. But, a dojo isn't a country, it is a class where you pay for lesson, and that gives you rights and freedom such as living your own life as you choose. No matter what agreement or arrangement is made.

As much as we like to think we should have, and need to have control over people's lives to keep things in "harmony," we have to recognize if we are going too far. IMO the idea of having so much control over who can and can't date is a dangerous thing.
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Old 05-04-2010, 04:49 AM   #77
sakumeikan
Dojo: Sakumeikan N.E. Aikkai .Newcastle upon Tyne.
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Re: Romantic Feelings for a Girl at the Dojo

Quote:
Matthew Ryan wrote: View Post
I also like a girl at Aikido. At first I was a little ashamed and embarrassed, the last thing I wanted to do was use Aikido as a way of finding love. I was attracted to this girl physically, but did not wish to become "involved" with her as I felt it would complicate things.

It was easy at first as I didn't train with her, or have any close contact. After a while we started training together. The way that she would look into my eyes, and the way she acted towards me in general gave me the impression that she "liked" me. I am not sure if my gut feeling was correct, but suddenly I found that she was becoming more irresistible to me.

I try to be strong and resist temptation and can think of numerous reasons in my mind why I shouldn't get involved with he, but in my hart and spirit I want to give it a go, and feel like I wont be at peace until I do so.

I only hope that I can find the inner strength to talk to her as an adult and explain the situation. I am no longer ashamed of my feelings towards her and recognize that they are only natural, and hope that she can understand.

Sure I want more than anything to be with her, but at the same time want what is best for her and for the Dojo.

I think that like many other people, I have made a mountain out of a mole hill, and have let the situation get out of hand.
Dear Matthew,
Why all the angst?If you fancy the girl just ask her out. If you were both employed in a supermarket or Mc Donalds would you worry whether your pending/possible romance would threaten the welfare of the company?Just go for it.Life is too short for wasting time on 'will I or wont I 'types of situation.
I have been married nearly 50 years to a lady I met at my judo dojo.She is almost a fixture in our Aikido community in the British Birankai.
The lasy will either accept the invite or say no.Better to make a move than sit about twirling your thumbs or being
indecisive. Good luck.
Cheers, Joe.
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Old 05-04-2010, 06:29 AM   #78
lbb
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Re: Romantic Feelings for a Girl at the Dojo

I think a good guideline to use here is the old rule, "Don't make your romantic feelings someone else's problem." Never heard that one? It's a great one. If you can talk to this woman -- I assume she is a grown woman, and not a girl, which would imply that she's underage and that you shouldn't be chatting her up under any circumstances -- and express an interest in possibly dating, without putting any pressure on her, being completely open to hearing, "Thanks, I'd rather not," and being completely willing and able to drop the matter and continue training without making the situation uncomfortable for her, then I don't think there's anything wrong with it. What is absolutely unacceptable, in the dojo or the workplace or anywhere else, is putting someone in a situation where your feelings for them lead to behavior that makes them uncomfortable. If you have any doubts about your ability to accept rejection gracefully, better to not go there.
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Old 06-30-2010, 12:02 PM   #79
"2cts"
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Re: Romantic Feelings for a Girl at the Dojo

In aikido, we have a regular, physical and fairly intimate relationship of a kind usually restricted to our families, with a bunch of people we'd otherwise not know in that way.
For people who may not be used to physical contact outside - or even in - their families, I can see how it might be difficult at times to differentiate between practice/connection and feelings of love/attachment.
One of the aspects of training that I really appreciate is the chance to deal physically with other human beings. That's just how I grew up ("Dogpile!!!") and a way that I like to relate to the world.... and it does not present itself much in the workday.
And then there are those ukes that you just swing with, perfectly, and beautiful things happen. They just "fit." It's a special relationship, again, not of the "let's get it on"-type, but it is definitely close and intimate.
Just one of the many ways that aikido works to make the world a better place!
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Old 06-30-2010, 12:56 PM   #80
Janet Rosen
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Re: Romantic Feelings for a Girl at the Dojo

{yawn} resurrected old thread again?

Janet Rosen
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Old 06-30-2010, 04:27 PM   #81
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Re: Romantic Feelings for a Girl at the Dojo

Hmmm........

Maybe not helpful, but even if she says no, you can truthfully brag that you've gotten her on her back a few times.

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Old 06-30-2010, 06:21 PM   #82
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Re: Romantic Feelings for a Girl at the Dojo

Actually, I'm glad this thread came back, as it's been very entertaining to read everyone's experiences and thoughts.

Mostly I shy from relationships like this at the workplace, school...etc. They really can be awkward when they don't work out or one loses interest, but getting involved with an Aikidoka would seem to be ideal because you have a specific interest in common. I think the thrill of a dojo relationship would mean having a lifetime aikido partner! You'll get married, build out a permanent dojo mat in a spare room, raise 2.5 little white belts, and ukemi with each other, happily ever after.

Some ideas I had on getting it going without feeling unconfortable...

1) Ask her and a couple of other students if they'd like to practice one day somewhere. That way you are still in a group. When the practice ends, see if she'll stick around to talk when the others have left.

2) Show her your bokken and ask if she wants to try it out sometime.....

3) (I stole this one from another thread) When doing practicing koshi nage (hip throws), tell her she's not "getting you up enough." If she giggles, you have a shot!

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Old 06-30-2010, 06:30 PM   #83
Michael Hackett
Dojo: Kenshinkan Dojo (Aikido of North County) Vista, CA
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Re: Romantic Feelings for a Girl at the Dojo

This thread is so old that the OP has either married the lady and is the proud grandfather of sixteen grandkids, or she turned him down and he lives by himself in an apartment filled with old newspapers and six cats.

Michael
"Leave the gun. Bring the cannoli."
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Old 08-09-2010, 05:45 AM   #84
"asdfdfebxcbdsabggsd"
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Re: Romantic Feelings for a Girl at the Dojo

For me the worst thing is not being able to get over someone...I know it won't work between us and i thought my feelings would evaporate over time. I find that as long as I am near them the feelings seems to stay as loud as ever. I don't want to give up training (out of sight out of mind), but I also don't want to keep having the feelings for this person.
Damn irrational emotions!
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Old 08-16-2010, 09:44 PM   #85
"anonmymous"
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Dojo Crush

I am not asking for advice. I've got a crush on someone I train with. I have zero desire to consummate this crush. He's fun to train with, but really boring when he opens his mouth. If I followed through it would last about one hour and ruin a fantastic marriage for no good reason. Bleh.

I'm wondering whether you've got a crush on someone you train with. Does aikido lend itself to crushes in your opinion? What do you do about it? Do you make every effort to train with your crush or do you try to avoid that person? What does a crush do to your regular set of goals--your motivation to train?

I feel fine about the commitment I made to my partner--my marriage is utterly unthreatened. The thing that bugs me is that I try to walk onto the mat with a set of clear motivations and goals. And when I train with this guy those motivations and goals get cast aside. That bugs me, but then again training with him is a lot of fun, perhaps I am being too hard on myself.
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Old 08-25-2010, 12:11 PM   #86
RED
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Re: Romantic Feelings for a Girl at the Dojo

The dojo isn't the place for distraction. You're training. People need to know how to separate themselves. There is time for work and time for play. If you can't separate those two aspects of your life you will find much trouble being successful in every setting of your life, not just the dojo.

MM
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Old 08-25-2010, 01:32 PM   #87
Gorgeous George
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Re: Romantic Feelings for a Girl at the Dojo

Quote:
Michael Hackett wrote: View Post
This thread is so old that the OP has either married the lady and is the proud grandfather of sixteen grandkids, or she turned him down and he lives by himself in an apartment filled with old newspapers and six cats.
I wish there was a 'Like' button, a la Facebook...
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Old 08-25-2010, 03:53 PM   #88
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Re: Romantic Feelings for a Girl at the Dojo

Quote:
Graham Jenkins wrote: View Post
I wish there was a 'Like' button, a la Facebook...
HAHAHA... I had thought that earlier today on another thread I had read.... that is just classic.

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Old 08-25-2010, 07:04 PM   #89
Gorgeous George
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Re: Romantic Feelings for a Girl at the Dojo

Quote:
Ashley Carter wrote: View Post
HAHAHA... I had thought that earlier today on another thread I had read.... that is just classic.
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Old 08-25-2010, 07:49 PM   #90
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Re: Romantic Feelings for a Girl at the Dojo

Quote:
Michael Hackett wrote: View Post
This thread is so old that the OP has either married the lady and is the proud grandfather of sixteen grandkids, or she turned him down and he lives by himself in an apartment filled with old newspapers and six cats.
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