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Old 02-01-2009, 06:30 AM   #26
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Re: Romantic Feelings for a Girl at the Dojo

Truth be told the "intimate" tension between us is driving me insane.
The way she "accidentally" brushes my arms ever so lightly with her hands while doing ryote-mochi , or how she slides her thumb across the palm of my hand after applying a lock.

On one occasion she turned to talk to me as I was about to slide forward and force her to the ground in a shomen-uchi shomen irimi-nage ni technique, (she was giving me advice on how to improve the technique.) Our eyes were locked on each other with our faces scant inches apart. I was holding her on a slight reverse angle with one hand in the small of her back to provide support, similar to a dip from a dance move. I was overcome by a strong desire to kiss her, but didn't out of respect for the dojo.

I am trying to use restraint and behave myself, but she isn't making it easy. Damn emotions!
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Old 02-01-2009, 08:38 AM   #27
Pauliina Lievonen
 
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Re: Romantic Feelings for a Girl at the Dojo

If the touching isn't accidental I have to say I find it a bit inappropriate. I think dating a dojomate is fine, but personally I'd prefer to keep as much of the flirting as possible strictly off the mat. Did you ask her out already?

kvaak
Pauliina
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Old 02-01-2009, 04:47 PM   #28
Buck
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Re: Romantic Feelings for a Girl at the Dojo

Quote:
Anonymous User wrote: View Post

I am trying to use restraint and behave myself, but she isn't making it easy. Damn emotions!
Emotions, phooey...try testosterone. If your male, double phooey... it's testosterone.
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Old 02-01-2009, 10:04 PM   #29
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Red face Re: Romantic Feelings for a Girl at the Dojo

To answer Pauliinas question, I haven't asked her out yet. I wasn't sure if it was appropriate to date someone from Aikido.

I just need the courage to ask her out. Regardless of her response I think that knowing her true feelings for me will set me free and enable me to progress (It is not good to feel trapped in my life).
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Old 02-02-2009, 09:27 AM   #30
Stanley Archacki
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Re: Romantic Feelings for a Girl at the Dojo

Quote:
Anonymous User wrote: View Post
Truth be told the "intimate" tension between us is driving me insane.
The way she "accidentally" brushes my arms ever so lightly with her hands while doing ryote-mochi , or how she slides her thumb across the palm of my hand after applying a lock.

On one occasion she turned to talk to me as I was about to slide forward and force her to the ground in a shomen-uchi shomen irimi-nage ni technique, (she was giving me advice on how to improve the technique.) Our eyes were locked on each other with our faces scant inches apart. I was holding her on a slight reverse angle with one hand in the small of her back to provide support, similar to a dip from a dance move. I was overcome by a strong desire to kiss her, but didn't out of respect for the dojo.

I am trying to use restraint and behave myself, but she isn't making it easy. Damn emotions!
Maybe it would be better for the sake of decorum to pick another training partner. If you have that much trouble restraining yourself, you're thinking more about not kissing her than you are about your training.

Why are you coming to class anyway?

"Doch das Messer sieht man nicht"
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Old 02-03-2009, 10:48 PM   #31
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Re: Romantic Feelings for a Girl at the Dojo

I wish I could stop the feelings I have for her right now, but it is hard to repress my feelings. Just when I think I have gotten over her I see her again and the feelings return.

The situation is totally unintentional and is not what I wanted to happen, I started Aikido as a way of training my body and mind, not complicating my life and making me totally irrational.
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Old 02-04-2009, 12:16 AM   #32
Michael Hackett
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Re: Romantic Feelings for a Girl at the Dojo

OK, so pull up your big boy gi pants and ask her out. If she says "no", you will know that she's not interested. Just train with her and treat her with courtesy, dignity and respect as a dojo mate. If she says "yes", go out and have fun. Then just train with her and treat her with courtesy, dignity and respect as a dojo mate.

Enough, already. I think "Dear Abby" has a website too.

Michael
"Leave the gun. Bring the cannoli."
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Old 02-04-2009, 12:12 PM   #33
Abasan
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Re: Romantic Feelings for a Girl at the Dojo

I too met my wife on the mat. Nothing wrong with developing a relationship with a dojo mate. Its just like getting on with someone from college or work.

As for shyness or confidence... man. You only live once. If she doesn't reciprocate, just get on with your life. No regrets.

Draw strength from stillness. Learn to act without acting. And never underestimate a samurai cat.
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Old 02-05-2009, 07:41 AM   #34
Shizentota
 
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Re: Romantic Feelings for a Girl at the Dojo

I met my fiancee in the mat, It started the same way, I just loved to practice with her, after long time of practice I start to realize that I was more than the keiko, so I broke with the girl I was getting out and concentrated on her (My kohai) I ask her onces to have lunch with me, then I invited her to a park and after that I realize that the felling that I was having for her were the same she was felling for me.

Sometimes keiko show more true things than what can happens in the real life (Outside the mat)

Well my advice is to follow your kokoro, I did it, and it worked great for me, I will marry her this year, we are in love and we will ever be,
= LOVE so make your and follow your heart

good luck
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Old 02-05-2009, 10:13 AM   #35
"Rambo"
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Re: Romantic Feelings for a Girl at the Dojo

stop you little girl whining and make your move.

how old are you? you sound like a little 12 year old girl....for christs sake, be a man
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Old 02-06-2009, 01:37 AM   #36
Guilty Spark
 
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Re: Romantic Feelings for a Girl at the Dojo

Just make your move OFF the matt and outside of the dojo.
No need to turn ones dojo a dating service, that's more of a taekwono thing.

If you're hungry, keep moving.
If you're tired, keep moving.
If you value you're life, keep moving.

You don't own what you can't defend
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Old 02-07-2009, 05:28 PM   #37
Chantal
 
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Re: Romantic Feelings for a Girl at the Dojo

As a female perspective, (and not the first one), if she is touching you and getting in really really close ... she likely wants YOU to be the one to show interest. She is doing all that she can to get your attention without screaming it out ... just ask her out to dinner, I am sure she will say yes I'd be surprised if she said no.

Take care,
Chantal
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Old 02-07-2009, 05:30 PM   #38
Chantal
 
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Re: Romantic Feelings for a Girl at the Dojo

oops... should have added that females are just as afraid of rejection as are males ... she wants you to acknowledge any feelings you have ... she is testing the waters to see how you respond...

ok ... now I think I am done adding my 2 cents.

Regards,

Chantal
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Old 02-08-2009, 07:52 AM   #39
mickeygelum
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Re: Romantic Feelings for a Girl at the Dojo

Quote:
I wasn't sure if it was appropriate to date someone from Aikido.
..You're kidding, right?
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Old 02-08-2009, 09:07 PM   #40
wideawakedreamer
 
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Re: Romantic Feelings for a Girl at the Dojo

#1: Why would you even want to repress your feelings? Not very "Aiki", IMO. I think you'll be better able to manage them by embracing them.

#2: Seems like you're too afraid of getting into a committed relationship when you haven't even asked her out yet. Aren't you getting ahead of yourself? Cross the bridge when and IF you ever get there.
Quote:
Anonymous User wrote: View Post
I wish I could stop the feelings I have for her right now, but it is hard to repress my feelings. Just when I think I have gotten over her I see her again and the feelings return.

The situation is totally unintentional and is not what I wanted to happen, I started Aikido as a way of training my body and mind, not complicating my life and making me totally irrational.

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Old 03-14-2009, 03:37 AM   #41
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Re: Romantic Feelings for a Girl at the Dojo

The truth is I have a form of social anxiety and find it hard to deal with certain social situations, especially in regards to dating or asking someone on a date.

Rambo, call me a 12 year old girl if you want. Judging someone because of a psychological issue they face in my opinion is on the same level as making fun of someone because they are in a wheel chair.

I didn't tick a box or elect to be the way I am. It is not easy to live a life of regret and loneliness, waking up each day wishing you could be like everybody else.

I'm not sure if anyone else can appreciate how hard it is for me to train with someone I have such strong feelings for and not be able to tell her how I feel, or know how she truly feels about me.
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Old 03-14-2009, 04:14 AM   #42
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Re: Romantic Feelings for a Girl at the Dojo

Archie Gates: You're scared, right?
Conrad Vig: Maybe.
Archie Gates: The way it works is, you do the thing you're scared shitless of, and you get the courage AFTER you do it, not before you do it.
Conrad Vig: That's a dumbass way to work. It should be the other way around.
Archie Gates: I know. That's the way it works.

From Three Kings (1999)

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Old 03-14-2009, 02:58 PM   #43
Joe McParland
 
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Re: Romantic Feelings for a Girl at the Dojo

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Anonymous User wrote: View Post
Rambo, call me a 12 year old girl if you want. Judging someone because of a psychological issue they face in my opinion is on the same level as making fun of someone because they are in a wheel chair.
It's a paradox that constant, insecure, overpowering desire often works as a repellent to what you want.

There's no question that your want is itself real, but the more you dwell on it, the greater the odds that you're want is for a fantasy image of her that you've created rather than the true her. What you secretly harbor will inevitably bleed into your other words and actions. Perceived from the other side, you may seem sweet and insecure to some, and perhaps quite creepy or stalkerish to others.

Aikido is one path toward seeing things as they are. That happens in no small part by virtue of your full presence in what you're doing---i.e., Aikido. If you're distracted from the actual Aikido by some dreamy image you've conjured between your ears, you have failed.

If you don't currently have what it takes to blow past the mental obstacles and talk to the girl, then just accept that as a loss for today and get back to the Aikido.

You'll see how things sort themselves out, one way or another in time.

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Old 03-14-2009, 07:30 PM   #44
cserrit
 
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Re: Romantic Feelings for a Girl at the Dojo

Nothing ventured...nothing gained!
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Old 03-14-2009, 09:27 PM   #45
Joe McParland
 
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Re: Romantic Feelings for a Girl at the Dojo

Nothing ventured, no restraining order, either!

In the end, the final outcome to any course is not knowable. Anonymous needs to find his own solution within his own circumstances.

Thought can be paralyzing, but I suspect a bokken swinging sharply toward his head would erase that thought-obstacle quickly... It's one of martial arts' greatest lessons for everyday life, dealing with all of life's situations with this presence.

(Alternatively, the bokken lands with similar results )

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Old 03-14-2009, 10:46 PM   #46
Buck
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Re: Romantic Feelings for a Girl at the Dojo

Quote:
Anonymous User wrote: View Post
The truth is I have a form of social anxiety and find it hard to deal with certain social situations, especially in regards to dating or asking someone on a date.

I didn't tick a box or elect to be the way I am. It is not easy to live a life of regret and loneliness, waking up each day wishing you could be like everybody else.

I'm not sure if anyone else can appreciate how hard it is for me to train with someone I have such strong feelings for and not be able to tell her how I feel, or know how she truly feels about me.
Go get help to get over the social problem. No girl or women wants to deal with that. Well that isn't true, unless she is a cougar, then she wants that insecurity to play with. To know it is too live it. Been then done that.
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Old 03-16-2009, 04:54 PM   #47
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Re: Romantic Feelings for a Girl at the Dojo

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Anonymous User wrote: View Post
I'm not sure if anyone else can appreciate how hard it is for me to train with someone I have such strong feelings for and not be able to tell her how I feel, or know how she truly feels about me.
Sorry dude but you sound like just about every other teenage guy who ever hit puberity and had a crush on a girl.

Can anyone else in the entire world appreciate how hard it is to ask a girl out?
Umm, ya. You and a few other guys have ran into that. You're making it sound like you're trying to split an atom. People have gave you advice on your questionover and over. What exactly are you looking for? People here can't ask her out for you.

If you're hungry, keep moving.
If you're tired, keep moving.
If you value you're life, keep moving.

You don't own what you can't defend
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Old 03-17-2009, 02:01 AM   #48
Janet Rosen
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Re: Romantic Feelings for a Girl at the Dojo

Quote:
Grant Wagar wrote: View Post
Sorry dude but you sound like just about every other teenage guy who ever hit puberity and had a crush on a girl.
I don't know the poster, but I do know that an adult with decades of, as this poster writes, "social anxiety", is not the same as a teenage guy with a crush.
I assume he wanted a safe place here for a little sympathy/support.

Unfortunately, just as we often say the dojo is not a therapeutic milieu, neither is aikiweb. If he cannot steel himself to speak with her, his only option is to seek some kind of formal support or therapy.

Janet Rosen
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"peace will enter when hate is gone"--percy mayfield
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Old 03-17-2009, 09:26 AM   #49
Ketsan
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Re: Romantic Feelings for a Girl at the Dojo

Quote:
Anonymous User wrote: View Post
The truth is I have a form of social anxiety and find it hard to deal with certain social situations, especially in regards to dating or asking someone on a date.

Rambo, call me a 12 year old girl if you want. Judging someone because of a psychological issue they face in my opinion is on the same level as making fun of someone because they are in a wheel chair.

I didn't tick a box or elect to be the way I am. It is not easy to live a life of regret and loneliness, waking up each day wishing you could be like everybody else.

I'm not sure if anyone else can appreciate how hard it is for me to train with someone I have such strong feelings for and not be able to tell her how I feel, or know how she truly feels about me.
Ask the girl what she would do if she were in your shoes. Tell her she's the only one you trust, tell her about your social anxiety.
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Old 03-17-2009, 12:52 PM   #50
heathererandolph
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Re: Romantic Feelings for a Girl at the Dojo

It's not easy to talk about yourself, anyhow, no matter who it is. I mean, just accept that it is difficult and probably you are fearing rejection, most people fear rejection. It's very inspiring to find someone you feel you are compatible with. It's exciting. Just try to enjoy it. The stakes seem really high because you like her. Maybe she is hoping you are going to ask her out, you never know.

I think the dojo is a bit of a delicate situation as you don't know if she is actively looking for a boyfriend or not and you don't want to scare her off. Some men "come on" to women in the dojo and it's not always appreciated. Some women come to the dojo for reasons of self-defense and they might find being "pestered" as threatening.

I think if you try to be her friend that's the best bet. That way you don't risk injuring the trust we all like to feel in the dojo and I think a lot of women like that approach because it shows you appreciate her as a person. Ask her how her life is going, maybe she needs help with something? If you can be there for her, maybe she will start to rely on you. By being her friend you can find out if she is looking for dating, friendship or what? Ask her if she's known anyone who dated in the dojo and how she feels about that. Since you are facing social anxiety maybe tell her about that, when you feel comfortable talking about it and she can help you by introducing you to her friends and going on some "practice" dates with you.

Once you get to know her better you will feel more comfortable talking to her.
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