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Old 03-27-2008, 12:01 PM   #26
"Encouraged Aikidoka"
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Re: When your family resents Aikido

Quote:
Al Gutierrez wrote: View Post
Keep on practicing, but remember what's really important!

What good is it to gain the world and lose your soul? The point I tried to make is that your practice is not limited to the dojo, your house is your real dojo. It is where your lessons and your new found skills ought to be "sinking in" most. It's where you really discover who you are and where your integrity matters most.

If Ueshiba's vision for aikido was to somehow bring peace into the world by transforming the way we interact and relate to each other, then ours should be first and foremost to bring that kind of thinking home into our own little world, where we really can make a difference.

Gambatte, ne!

A.G.
Al,
I am truly humbled by your wisdom.

"What good is it to gain the world and lose your soul?"
Thank you, I needed that reminder this week.

You have helped me go from "woe is me" to "I can see where I need to change my whole attitude".
The whole problem could have been avoided if I had taken the time to think of others before myself. I need to apologize to my family and maybe we can make a fresh start. From now on, I will try to make my home, my first dojo.
I am in your debt.
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Old 03-27-2008, 06:52 PM   #27
Al Gutierrez
Location: Colorado
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Re: When your family resents Aikido

Encouraged,

Believe me, I'm not immune to losing sight of what is more important sometimes either, none of us are. We all need reminders from time to time, and then again we all need to be "Reminderers" just as well.

If my posts somehow encouraged you or anyone somehow, I consider that a blessing in itself, there's no need to thank me or call me wise, just let it "seep in" and do your part to make your world a little better.

A.G.
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Old 03-28-2008, 08:29 AM   #28
Jack M.
Location: Baltimore, MD
Join Date: Nov 2005
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Re: When your family resents Aikido

As I always say, "It's usually not about what it's about." In other words, the issue here is that your family either a.) feels neglected because of your interests outside of the family or b.) is trying to be controlling and not let you have time to yourself and pursue a personal interest.

I certainly hope that it is the fomer. Either way, IMO, it's not about aikido. If you were to join a book club or do volunteer work at a homeless shelter, I think their reaction would be much the same.
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Old 03-28-2008, 12:32 PM   #29
Daniel Blanco
Dojo: Suffolk Aikikai
Location: Patchogue
Join Date: Feb 2003
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Re: When your family resents Aikido

My advice is train according to your schedule,there r, 7 days within a week, 03 days should be yours to train, the remaining 04 you must dedicate to your family.
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Old 03-30-2008, 07:02 PM   #30
Mary Turner
Dojo: Joshinkan
Location: Chapel Hill, NC
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Re: When your family resents Aikido

This is making me feel so blessed to have a husband who welcomes me home with open arms even when I'm drenched in the sweat of other men.

I make sure to keep him secure in the knowledge that he is my best friend, he is happy that I have something that I enjoy and keeps me strong and flexible
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Old 04-01-2008, 03:42 PM   #31
"encouraged Aikidoka"
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Re: When your family resents Aikido

Update....

So.... I have been talking with my family and putting more of my focus towards them when I am home, and it seems to be making a difference. My husband still is not happy about me being out, but has stopped making disparaging remarks, and therefore the kids are taking a different tone. It seems that it will all work out (although I was kind of hoping to get to use my jo on them)

Thanks again for all the advice.
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Old 04-02-2008, 01:26 AM   #32
dalen7
 
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Re: When your family resents Aikido

Well you are the mom...the central figure for the family.
Basically your husband and kids are spoiled.

They are accustomed to their own live in cook, maid, problem solver, etc.

I know it sounds rough, and I know they dont realize this...but more than likely you have given of yourself constantly and it is quite easy to take these things for granted.

You know yourself, and cannot be weighed down by any guilt.
I bet you your husband has a night where he does something...gym, friends, not to many people just sit at home.

And the kids, well they have their interest as well.

Not telling you how to approach them or even if you need to.

But...you definitely need 'me' time, or you will implode and when you up and leave the husband and the kids or have a nervous breakdown they will go..."what happened to mom/wife?"..."I didnt see that coming, she was always there..."

Exactly, you cant just always be there for people.

Again, Im just giving a general observation of the typical mother.
Its the maternal instinct to care for the family, and not so for the kids and husband, so they get spoiled and dont realize it.

It may come hard for them if you never had any you time...but reassure them you love them, but at the same time...you have your interest.

Peace

dAlen
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Old 04-02-2008, 01:37 AM   #33
dalen7
 
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Re: When your family resents Aikido

Quote:
Anonymous User wrote: View Post
Update....

So.... I have been talking with my family and putting more of my focus towards them when I am home, and it seems to be making a difference. My husband still is not happy about me being out, but has stopped making disparaging remarks, and therefore the kids are taking a different tone. It seems that it will all work out (although I was kind of hoping to get to use my jo on them)

Thanks again for all the advice.
Being a husband and a father of 4, it is a bit disappointing to see that he is not being more supportive of you and taking a tone in which the rest of the family picks up.

I do not believe this 'manipulation' is intentional, but it never is.
Like a blood parasite - my tone sounds rougher than it is...that is the difference in writing and hearing a voice, by no means am I suggesting you have a bad husband!

but like a parasite we as humans tend to feed off of that around us.
This can get really philosophical, so I will end with that bit and try to use some different words as pointers.

The deal is, as my other post stated...is that in you now having your 'me' time, this does not mean to put even more pressure on yourself to perform at home for the husband and kids. (I.e., more cooking, cleaning, or whatever).

I can see that you would want to attempt to show that you are there by doing more...but its not the quantity, but the quality in what is done.

If you do more...to make up for your missing time...then you will burn yourself out as well.

Its easy to act out of the thought of concern for the family.
But your husband is a grown man, and your teenagers are pretty much grown too.

Space...
This is a good mantra to practice. Allowing each other to be where they are and accepting that.

Not sure if my post helped at all, but its more insight because these 'truths' we already all have in us...we just have to 'be still' to hear it.

Best to you and your family.

(truly this was not putting down your family, but merely saying that an individual has the right to do what they feel they need without someone trying to make them feel guilty about it. Of course most of these actions are on an unconscious level and the person is not trying to go out of their way to hurt you, but its an ego game.)

I can only suggest, to give more clarity to what I wrote...and direction, to listen to Eckhart Tolles audio book "A new earth" or join the Monday night Oprah/Eckhart classes while they are still going on.

Again, audio get better mileage than written as the written word can be so easily misunderstood...

What does Eckhart have to do with all of this anyway?
Well besides clarifying what Im trying to say...it gives a good insight into human nature...into aspects of ourselves that we were unaware of...but makes sense once you hear it.

When you get to know yourself, as the oracle at delphi said, then you will be able to let life live...and troubles arent that troublesome...and answers to deal with situations are just there when you need them. (You realize there is nothing you need to change outside of you, but that the journey is inward.)

I will stop now, as I feel that my words are not clarifying this a bit.

Either way, the best to you and your family!

Peace

dAlen
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Old 04-02-2008, 01:28 PM   #34
"Encouraged Aikidoka"
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Anonymous User
Re: When your family resents Aikido

Quote:
Dalen Johnson wrote: View Post
Space...
This is a good mantra to practice. Allowing each other to be where they are and accepting that.

Not sure if my post helped at all, but its more insight because these 'truths' we already all have in us...we just have to 'be still' to hear it.

Best to you and your family.

dAlen
Thank you for your thoughts. I am amazed at all the good advice I have recieved.
Blessings
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Old 04-05-2008, 02:09 PM   #35
Mary Eastland
 
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Re: When your family resents Aikido

I love that you changed your name to encouraged.
Relatives can be really challenged by change...by fears that you are going away or that you may be becoming someone that won't love them.
I like to remember that this is my one life....no one will be responsible for my choices but me...I need to be loving and responsible to those I love including myself.
Hang in there...you never now what could happen...they might even join you on the mat. ;o)
Mary
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Old 04-12-2008, 02:20 AM   #36
boyana
Location: New York
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Re: When your family resents Aikido

If one does too much for the family,whole life,then that person will end up resenting them.You know ,one day we grow old,sick and look back,and maybe wish we did more for us!

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Old 04-12-2008, 04:13 PM   #37
Marc Kupper
Dojo: Aikido of Diablo Valley / ASU
Location: Walnut Creek, California
Join Date: May 2002
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Re: When your family resents Aikido

Reassure your husband and child (individually) that you still love them and that you are not planning on getting a divorce. "Obviously," from your husband and child's view, if mom has been at home for over ten years and then suddenly gets a job, starts doing Aikido, then she must be leaving -- maybe she already has a boyfriend? In the absence of hard data people tend to invent worse case scenarios to explain/rationalize your behavior. Your family likes having you around and so acts up to see if you'll pay attention to the squeaky wheel the way mom always has.

Of course, if you and your husband have been drifting apart then you'll be taking stock on if you want that drift to continue into a divorce or if you share enough values, beliefs, etc. that the marriage itself could use a tune-up. If you still like the guy then see what sort of "tune-up" things would work for both of you while also allowing you to continue with your Aikido practice.

When I started Aikido my daughter, around eight at the time, was bothered I was gone in the evenings. I switched to mid-day classes (when she's in school) except for one evening class per week and even there I make sure that the family understands the Aikido is a second priority.

Seminars would be tough as you'd be gone pretty much all day or weekend. In my case I've pretty much always limited myself to a couple per year.

Marc
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Old 04-12-2008, 09:55 PM   #38
Bill Danosky
 
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Re: When your family resents Aikido

Keep on practicing, Sad Aikidoka! If you've raised kids to highschool age you have earned some personal pursuits.

If you donated your Aikido time to hanging on your teenager's backs they'd probably want to ditch you anyway. Try offering to miss one session a week if your husband will take you to ballroom dancing class or a couple's workshop.

That ought to get you back some "you time".

Last edited by Bill Danosky : 04-12-2008 at 09:57 PM.
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Old 01-18-2009, 07:32 PM   #39
dematteo84
 
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Dojo: Brisbane Yoshinkan
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Re: When your family resents Aikido

You have said that you have tried to spend extra time with them but "they all like to do their own things". It sounds like they only miss you because you have left them to do something on your own. They may feel left out, as if Aikido is somehow more important to you than spending time with them.

If like you say, they do there own thing when your around, it sounds more like the problem is with them, not with you or your Aikido training. I'm not fully sure of your situation, so I don't know if getting them involved with Aikido will work, or if you have tried to do this yet.

I think it is the age old situation of people not missing or appreciating something until it has gone. At least you know they care for you, otherwise they wouldn't be bothered by the fact that you are not around all the time.

It is important to find a balance in life, it can be tricky to find and may take some time. I hope you can find it.

Good luck and good training.
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