jealous wife is cramping my teaching style

Wow... I am so sorry to hear this! I suggest you sit down and have a talk with your wife or maybe go see a counselor together. Even if this girl leaves your class, it is just a temporary fix. She still has a lot of insecurity issues. Getting rid of every girl that joins your class just isn't fair to you. Good luck.

Maybe you should spend more time with your wife and find out what the problem really is.

Jealousy is a symptom not a disease. By the way, read the book Blink just to get some insights.

Acooper sounds like a horrible teacher and approaching what I would term, an asshole.

"I honestly wish this girl would quit. So my wife would get off my back and let me teach the way I am used to. I work for the city so I can't really just kick her out.Maybe if I start making class super hard she will give up and leave."

His wife is crazy jealous. [Let's assume that Acooper isn't doing what guys sometimes do and makes their wives jealous on purpose OR the wife has due cause to be jeaous.]

His wife is jealous of this girl so what does he consider doing?
Making the class hard for one of his students so they'll quit.

If he isn't doing anything inappropriate in class then he should sort out his issues with his wife, not placate her.

Maybe his wife is cheating/has cheated on him. The guilt turns into jealousy.

That is true. Usually the one who is accusing has done or is doing it. Not always, but often enough.

Grant Wagar wrote: Acooper sounds like a horrible teacher and approaching what I would term, an asshole.

Your points are valid but this was harsh and not terribly helpful.

Rabih Shanshiry wrote: Your points are valid but this was harsh and not terribly helpful.

Perhaps harsh my friend but is it harsher than me running you out of my dojo because my wife/husband doesn't like you?

How about because you're Jewish or African American?

The poster doesn't seem to see anything wrong with the idea of ruining someones Aikido training because of an issue at home.

I see that as selfish spiteful and unprofessional.

How would you feel if the next time you showed up to class your sensei really started cranking it up and making your class so hard that you quit - come to find out later he did it on purpose because he didn't like your skin colour or back round?

I don't think this is a case where kiddy gloves and beating around the bush is the right advice.

To Grant Wagar:

- May he who has never sinned, cast the first stone.

To the poster:

- Let your wife participate in one class (with the woman), to show her how Aikido is taught.

- If you force this student to quit, you may sever this student´s Aikido path forever and have avoided an obstacle that would have given you and your wife a wonderful opportunity to grow as people.

- Johann

Okay,

I'm pretty sure the OP doesn't really want his student to quit...he was probably just exaggerating to express his level of stress to the thread.

Lynn and Atillio make good points: when a woman (or man) feels neglected they will do stupid things to get attention (this is due to a person being weak and relying on other people/things to make them happy, not offend your wife...many people are like this). One of the best ways to get the attention of your mate is to accuse them of infidelity...but that is not constructive attention.

Jang could also be right, however hopefully not.

To the OP: Aikido is a part of who you are, both before you met your wife and since. If she can't accept that part of you, she doesn't accept you completely...which needs to be addressed.

Likely there are deeper issues (ie jealousy of the time you put into aikido vice her...maybe she doesn't know the root to her problems). I hope the both of you can discover them and work them out.

All the best,
A

I'm pretty sure the situation has probably been "resolved" one way or the other given the original post was in 6/2008...

Mike Logan wrote: 1) In my not-so-humble opinion, since the original poster is technically the prime mover in all of this (ie, "man of the house", and head teacher of his own dojo), he has no one to embarrass but himself. For this particular case of jealous-wife, I don't consider it a fair and worthwhile use of the Anonymous forum. 2) this thread is 6 months old. 3) let it die...

I disagree, this is precisely what the anonymous forum should be used for.

As for the problem at hand, relationship counseling is certainly in order. It might very well bring out the need for individual counseling but one can't tell from what has been said. But certainly there is stuff going on here and I would strongly recommend getting some help on it.

Cooper,
Listen to me before its too late! D-I-V-O-R-C-E!
I am a Psychologist and I have lived Aikido since 1989. This is not a problem with you nor of your student. even if you kick your student out or quit aikido altogether, it will not solve your problem. Your wife will simply find another object of her jealousy.
This is not about lacking trust or being suspicious anymore. This is about psychological control. Just as rapists aren't motivated by just the need for sex but by the need for power, women like that are using jealousy as an excuse to assert their absolute control over you. I betcha she also uses maneuvers to make you feel guilty or to make herself look pitiful in order to sway not just your actions but also the opinions of people around you.
Don't try to be a miracle worker. She is not going to change anytime soon. They never do. I say no more of this marriage counseling BS. Bail out now! Don't wait for a fight or an excuse to explain your decision, just cut her loose ASAP. And that means NOW.
A divorce has best chances of being more civil when it is not precipitated by a fight. If kids are involved, try to agree on custody and visitation but bottom line is, you need to do this now.

Anonymous User wrote: Cooper, Listen to me before its too late! D-I-V-O-R-C-E! I am a Psychologist and I have lived Aikido since 1989. This is not a problem with you nor of your student. even if you kick your student out or quit aikido altogether, it will not solve your problem. Your wife will simply find another object of her jealousy. This is not about lacking trust or being suspicious anymore. This is about psychological control. Just as rapists aren't motivated by just the need for sex but by the need for power, women like that are using jealousy as an excuse to assert their absolute control over you. I betcha she also uses maneuvers to make you feel guilty or to make herself look pitiful in order to sway not just your actions but also the opinions of people around you. Don't try to be a miracle worker. She is not going to change anytime soon. They never do. I say no more of this marriage counseling BS. Bail out now! Don't wait for a fight or an excuse to explain your decision, just cut her loose ASAP. And that means NOW. A divorce has best chances of being more civil when it is not precipitated by a fight. If kids are involved, try to agree on custody and visitation but bottom line is, you need to do this now.

Kipi:

I am also a licensed psychologist and Aikido instructor who is appalled by your comments. I strongly suggest that you review APA ethics guidelines. You should simply state things as your personal opinion, rather than an implied professional opinion regarding someone you have never met, treated, or evaluated before. My personal opinion is that you have made an a lot of opinions and recommendations based upon scant information. I could go on further, but my parents told me to say nothing at all, rather than some unkind words...

Marc Abrams

Anonymous User wrote: Cooper, Listen to me before its too late! D-I-V-O-R-C-E! I am a Psychologist and I have lived Aikido since 1989. This is not a problem with you nor of your student. even if you kick your student out or quit aikido altogether, it will not solve your problem. Your wife will simply find another object of her jealousy. This is not about lacking trust or being suspicious anymore. This is about psychological control. Just as rapists aren't motivated by just the need for sex but by the need for power, women like that are using jealousy as an excuse to assert their absolute control over you. I betcha she also uses maneuvers to make you feel guilty or to make herself look pitiful in order to sway not just your actions but also the opinions of people around you. Don't try to be a miracle worker. She is not going to change anytime soon. They never do. I say no more of this marriage counseling BS. Bail out now! Don't wait for a fight or an excuse to explain your decision, just cut her loose ASAP. And that means NOW. A divorce has best chances of being more civil when it is not precipitated by a fight. If kids are involved, try to agree on custody and visitation but bottom line is, you need to do this now.

I don't know any councilor that would tell some one who is not their patient, who they do not know something this brass!

Plus, every story has two sides, and we only have the Mr.'s side. And you'd make a "professional" opinion based on this little information. You might be telling a man to destroy his family for all you know.

You're so not a real psychiatrist. If you were you'd be a little more concerned with your liability in telling some one something this drastic. You are responsible legally if he takes your advise, if you are claiming to be a professional. An actual psychiatrist would realize this, and never put their license on the line.

is it me, or was this thread started in 2008? If that's the case, I'm sure it has been sorted out, one way or another by now.

Chrissy Mitchell wrote: is it me, or was this thread started in 2008? If that's the case, I'm sure it has been sorted out, one way or another by now.

Zombie threads occur from time to time.

Which is one of the things that makes Anonymous-Psychologist-Guy's advice sort of funny, that he'd tell someone he doesn't know who reported a problem in 2008 to take drastic action "NOW."

Tell me, would you take drastic advice that doesn't even take into account the minimal information that is available from a stranger on the web who stands on his supposed credentials while ignoring basic professional ethics and declining to reveal his name? (An assumption of gender, admittedly, based on the threatened-by-women tone of some of what Anonymous said.)

What a jokester.

There is nothing you can do but show her that it is truly her you love. Give her a kiss in the dojo if you got to. Whatever it takes to make her happy and comfortable my friend.

As one of my clients said to me just the other day....

What do you call a Dr who graduated at the bottom of his class?

Doctor.

Kinda wonder how it all came out.

I realize this post is pretty old. I do wonder, whatever happened with all this?

I am a woman. Single parent to a teen doing very well at university. I may have a different perspective than the other folks here?

A marriage partner should not change who you are in your heart, your dreams, and who YOU want to be. A marriage partner should support you in being your best self, or they are not so much a partner as one who feels they have possession of you, and sees you as property. You owe yourself more than staying in a situation like that.

YOU are what you have, all else aside, at the end of the day. This is YOUR LIFE. Please don't let a "bad" partner keep you from living it. That would be the biggest tragedy.

Okay. I hope the op has resolved the issue by now?