A New Ki for the Westen Mind!

This has probably been done a thousand times before, but I'm in one of 'those' moods, so....

A NEW KI FOR THE MODERN AGE!

Since the development of Aikido and its introduction to the Western world, one of the biggest stumbling blocks has been the concept of Ki; an important part of Aikido (a martial art named after the sound an attacker makes while flying through the air: "Aieeeeeeeee ki!!!!!!....DOH!!!")
The difficulty, unfortunately, is the North American's inability to accept ki for what it is: Something only Japanese people can understand. Therefore, in an effort to ease Westerners' transition into Aikido, I have developed - and used to practice constantly - a new style of ki training: whisKi!
The new ki differs from the old in several important areas:

1) - Ki is visualized as a liquid white light, filling the body.
- WhisKi is a light yellow liquid, filling a glass.

2) - Ki is achieved through relaxation and oneness with the universe.
- WhisKi PROVIDES total relaxation and oneness with the universe.

3) - Using ki gives one contentment and joy at all times.
- Using whisKi gives one contentment and joy until it wears off. Then one wishes one were dead.

4) - Ki is obtained through study and practice; employing discipline in one's daily life.
- WhisKi is obtained for about thirty bucks at the local LCBO.

Obviously, whisKi is much easier for the modern Westerner to acquire and use than traditional ki.
So: Let's see how learning whisKi would work:

WhisKi Exercises

1) Ever-bendable Arm
The student holds his right arm out in a relaxed posture, whisKi glass held lightly between thumb and forefinger. At the instructor's word, the student lifts the whisKi to his lips. If done successfully, the instructor will not be able to stop the student from completing the technique - a trait seen in all advanced whisKi users. It is considered a terrible tragedy if the student spills so much as a drop.

2) Undrainable Glass
This exercise is a matter of timing. As before, the student holds the whisKi glass in his right hand, the whisKi bottle in his left. The student then performs Ever-Bendable Arm until the glass is empty. He then brings both hands together, rotating his left wrist inward, allowing the glass to be refilled. He then continues performing Ever-bendable Arm without breaking his rhythm.

3) Bottomless Wallet
The student continues performing exercises 1 And 2 until the whisKi bottle is empty. He must then acquire a new bottle of whisKi within a reasonable time-limit, whether or not he can afford it. Several techniques can be used for this, including irimi into ‘kid's-piggy-bank' and tenkan into ‘Soon-to-be-ex-Girlfriend's purse'. For truly advanced practitioners, ‘Sell-the-Car-for-$100' is considered acceptable.

Levels of WhisKi

As in traditional ki, practitioners have several levels of whisKi awareness through which they can ascend.
Or descend.
Depends on your viewpoint.

Level 1: Beginner
Student performs Ever-bendable Arm once; then performs face-stretching technique by pulling the corners of the mouth back past the ears, while repeating the KiYi; "AAAAAAAAAAAGHHHHH!!!" Student must then demonstrate humility by paying homage to Crane; the God of Porcelain.

Level 2: 3rd Kyu
Student performs Ever-Bendable Arm without praying; must be able to perform Undrainable Glass at least twice. Begins training for Bottomless Wallet.

Level 3: 2nd Kyu
Student performs Undrainable Glass successfully until the bottle has been completely drained. Student must be able to stagger to the door and walk through it in at least one of three successive tries.

Level 4: 1st Kyu
Student must perform Undrainable Glass with at least 2 bottles of whisKi. Student will be given option of leaving or staying; student must have sufficient clarity of purpose to understand that the whisKi tests are far more important than that big board meeting tomorrow morning. Student may attempt Bottomless Wallet.

Level 5: AlKi
No longer a student , the AlKi performs all whisKi tests with alacrity and ease. The AlKi may now take his station with other senior practitioners in one of countless whisKi societies, a privilege commonly known as being ‘admitted to the Bar'. The AlKi no longer requires a job; as he can perform Bottomless Wallet to such a level, even the government acknowledges his skill by providing Welfare.

Level 6: Total AlKi
The ultimate level if whisKi awareness. The Total AlKi blends with the Universe so well, he is on intimate relations with all his adversaries; such as Police, Paramedics, Counselors and Bar Managers. The Total AlKi is one step away from his final rise to unification with the universe.

Level 7: Ultimate Unification with the Universe
The Total AlKi achieves his final state: After performing Ever-Bendable Arm for the last time; the Total AlKi closes his eyes and enters a state of relaxation so complete, all bodily functions cease. Heartbeat and brain activity are reduced to zero. The Total AlKi may now give of himself to all; feeding and nurturing happily pickled worms as his body returns to the earth from whence it came.

It is immediately obvious that whisKi is not a new concept to the Western mind; every day, countless people achieve the seventh level. From these people, we can observe and learn; employing the skills they teach in our daily lives.
There is one further difference between ki and whisKi: While true Aikidoka strive to master ki and climb the ladder of rank, with whisKi it is better not to proceed past 3rd Kyu. True mastery, in fact, can be seen by descending the ladder from AlKi to beginner; a feat I'm proud to say I have accomplished.

Thanx, all!

Dave

Dave.. what about putting gold stripes of the people who manage to get bck there?



















You are- one day i might be

Hi Katie. At the phoenix we sometimes practice Alkido. It's a damn dirty job but omeone's got to do it! BTW where do you train? (if it's at the phoenix, sorry but I don't recognise the name, it's a big club!)
Have fun.

Figures, doesn't it?
Just realized - the only spelling mistake I made in the whole flipping thing was in the title; where everyone can see it. Sheesh!

LOL

Dave

Its a sad and woeful story,

but the more you dance, the funner it be,

until the angels and rats are friends to thee.

So sing your songs, and curse the world,

your life's a drug, where you are safe/warm.

So if the children point to you, say "its the waxman", what can that be?

You sit on a stool, from morn to night, and when closing comes you lose your sight.

To wax you turn, in the closet you go, but when morn cracks dawn, you arise and go.

But the drink it does call, and your pocket is full, so back to the stool, your butt does go.

The children point, the young wolves laugh, but your Aiki-a-hol is the only god you know.

Let no man, woman or child say a word or woe,

or the power of gas, will lay them low!


Aiki-a-hol! Silent death attacks!

(Buddy, you need to Mida-size that GAS!)

Hi James
Yes, it is at the phoenix- im not surprised you don't know me. Haven't been there very long- i only graded for my white belt last week (long story-had to miss the grading due to having to fly to California-family stuff)
Correction: you lot do Aikido, i just kind of follow and try and copy. Good luck if you're grading.

Hi Katie. luckily I'm one of those that doesn't take gradings any more. I might be on your next panel!
Have fun.

Oh-one of those...nice people.