Rivalry in Dojo

Well , in all my years of begin in a dojo enviroment I've never come across anyone who actualy told me they were jealous of me but I finaly did. How it happened was I was told openly i would be testing for second brown apporaching my final kyu grade of brown , the group was neither happy or upset at the time everyone seemed happy so I thought. A week went by and one of the aikidoka was very withdrawn from me , me begin me I just continued on doing what i do TRAIN, I'm not the kinda person who dwells on advancement or testing or anything I just go and train I try to stay focused on what im doing and not on others. Well one day after practice the aikidoka confronted me to tell me how upset he was that he was passed over and why was he not chosen. I realy did not know what to say to him but I was sorry he felt that way. He did tell me he did think I was very good at what i do my techniques and training and he felt i deserved it and that i do but the time in and never miss a training day. Well i did try to confort him and told him, he and others were the reason i was begin given my second brown demo, i told him if it was not for him and the other "UKES/Students I would not be were I'm at in this stage of my journey, I went on to tell him Aikido is not a single man/woman sport but a group effort when we train, he seem to understand, I just need your thoughts if any of you have ever gone thru this and what did you do or say to make others feel as if they contributed to your sucess?

I have been very slow to test and have been in the opposite situation many times over the years, reassuring folks that their advancing past me had nothing to do with ME and was just a reflection of their training.
So here you have somebody who after a while of sulking was at least mature enough to open up on what for him was a sore subject.
It is emphatically his problem and not your's.
You reassured him of your appreciation for him. Beyond that, if he feels the dojocho is being unfair, that is surely not your problem.
You cannot "make" anybody "feel" a certain way.

Thank You for replying I was realy taking back by the whole event, I did feel it was very mature of him/her and i was glad he/she removed it off his chest I was just real unsure what i was needing to do on my part since once again I've never seen anything like this. I believe my dojo is very fair. The person I speak of does not attend class on a Regular so I think maybe he/she was upset with the fact that he/she needs to attend more but finanicial reason and obligations get in his way. Where's I'm retired. I do not have the burden of work. But at my age I'm still very atheletic. I'm not real sure why he was so bothered. But thank you for your input I realy welcome all schools of thought on this.

I can relate to this post because it happened to me.i have been a 4th kyu for 2 years and double the hours needed to test for 3rd kyu. Due to half my left lung being gone I dread testing but still think I could have passed it giving a shot but to my surprise 2 lower rank 4th kyus were given a opportunity to test over me and it rocked me to the core.So much so I considered quitting I took 3weeks off after they tested becuz I didn,t want to hear about it and get my head straight.Now a few months later it,s better but still aches a little bit. BTW I reason I,m reluctant to test is the medical issue I have not the test technique part.

If somebody is crying the best way to confront him is to buy a pack of cleenex.

No crying here.just relating to the OP issue

The great Budoka Kenshiro Abbe Sensei would often say " no matter your pretence, you are what you are - nothing more " - It is much more satisfying to be under graded than over graded.

Henry Ellis
Co-author ` Positive Aikido `.
http://britishaikido.blogspot.com/

I've seen this a few times, mainly coming from people with need of gratification and misconstrued purpose in aikido training. People that need someone to tell them where they are in thier training and put attaining rank ahead of understanding in order of importance. The only grading that is truly important is self introspection. Being honest with ourselves and identifying our weaknesses is what's important. Some dude with fancy pants handing out certificate's is a distant second in my mind.

An example of chasing rank.

dps

I just found out that due to an organizational rule change, I'm not going to eligible to test for shodan for a bit less than 2 years. My Cho felt awful when he told me, and actually bought me a beer in the hopes of making him feel better. I can't begin to explain how relieved he was when I told him that if I was just studying for a black belt, I'd go buy one at our supply house. Even without our wholesale discount, they're only 6 dollars.

Honestly, I don't get the testing freak out over who tests first. I've got people that started with me at the same time who are already shodan, and I know a couple people who started a month after me that are only sankyu. Personally, I despise testing in the first place because I get very nervous when people are watching me. Add in the fact that our testing is incomprehensibly physically exhausting, and it's done in a non-air conditioned environment with really high humidity and temperatures over 100 degrees Fahrenheit, and women in our organization wear hakama at yonkyu and above, so I'm also going to have to wear an extra pair of pants during the test. It's all good, I don't mind to wait.

--Ashley

Ashley Hemsath wrote: Honestly, I don't get the testing freak out over who tests first. I've got people that started with me at the same time who are already shodan, and I know a couple people who started a month after me that are only sankyu. Personally, I despise testing in the first place because I get very nervous when people are watching me.

Doesn't that tell you the likely reason, Ashley? If you're worried about people watching you while you test, can you understand that other people would worry about people watching them when they're not testing -- as in, "Hmmm, she's been here longer than so and so who's tested for shodan, why isn't she testing?" People feel judged by others, and they also judge themselves. Rank is a tangible mark of progress, and if you don't have the same rank as someone who started when you did (or later), it's natural to wonder if you're not making progress as you should. With some thought, you should be able to resolve it, but it's entirely understandable that you'd wonder. It's a normal human reaction.

Mary Malmros wrote: Doesn't that tell you the likely reason, Ashley? If you're worried about people watching you while you test, can you understand that other people would worry about people watching them when they're not testing -- as in, "Hmmm, she's been here longer than so and so who's tested for shodan, why isn't she testing?" People feel judged by others, and they also judge themselves. Rank is a tangible mark of progress, and if you don't have the same rank as someone who started when you did (or later), it's natural to wonder if you're not making progress as you should. With some thought, you should be able to resolve it, but it's entirely understandable that you'd wonder. It's a normal human reaction.

Well, no, because I find it very difficult to believe that my Sensei decided that in 9 months I won't be ready to test, and that he deliberately withheld information about what I need to work on to be able to test.

I wasn't talking about why your sensei decided that you should not test, Ashley. I was talking about what you call the "testing freak out over who tests first".

Well, Ashley I can relate to the freak your going thru I myself just tested for nikyu and passed but I was a total bundle of nerves, Nikyu in our system is 2nd brown, ikkyu is 1st then Shodan i can image what I'm going to be like when I test for shodan I'm probably goign to need a shot of whiskey to make it. My best advice and this is what I do is tune everyone OUT and go at it like no one is around me. It works wonders focus on your breathing and relax as much as possible hope this helps.

There is no rivalry. There are just stories that people put onto others to take the focus off their own journey.
Testing or not testing...no matter. Just keep training. Nothing can get in the way of learning except our egos and distractions that seem real.

Well, here's an update to this whole story the guy that made the comments to me was asked to do his nikyu demo or 2 kyu at end of month.I of course acted like a gentleman and told him congratulations on the confirmation, i wish everyone could be happy as I am to see others to succeed.

Mario Garcia wrote: Well, here's an update to this whole story the guy that made the comments to me was asked to do his nikyu demo or 2 kyu at end of month.I of course acted like a gentleman and told him congratulations on the confirmation, i wish everyone could be happy as I am to see others to succeed.

Well, you know, human beings are complicated beings, and our emotions are complex things. Unless your dojo-mate is five years old, it's unlikely that his reaction is simple jealousy, which seems to be how you're interpreting it. Looking at your original post...

one day after practice the aikidoka confronted me to tell me how upset he was that he was passed over and why was he not chosen.

...it seems to me that what he was feeling was envy, which is not the same thing as jealousy. Envy is simply the wish to have for yourself something that someone else has. It's an understandable emotion, and if we're being honest with ourselves, we all feel it from time to time. Your dojo-mate felt that he'd trained hard and also deserved a chance to test. That's how he felt about his own situation, and he trusted you enough and was honest enough to tell you how he was feeling. I can understand how it might feel like a commentary on you, but it's not. It's not about you at all. Nor does his reaction mean that he is incapable of being "happy as [you are] to see others to succeed". Again, we're talking about adult human beings, not little children, and adults have a complex emotional range. Real life situations frequently result in mixed feelings; trying to reduce them to simplistic unmixed "good" or "bad" means you'll miss a lot of what's going on.

That is why I come here to have my fellow brotheren/Sisters help me understand things, i am human i am fauled i do not always understand everything but i do strive to understand and thus why I ask other, I do not ask to insult or belittle but i ask to understand others. I realy apprciate all who answered thank you for taking the time to answer.