Welcome to AikiWeb Aikido Information
AikiWeb: The Source for Aikido Information
AikiWeb's principal purpose is to serve the Internet community as a repository and dissemination point for aikido information.

Sections
home
aikido articles
columns

Discussions
forums
aikiblogs

Databases
dojo search
seminars
image gallery
supplies
links directory

Reviews
book reviews
video reviews
dvd reviews
equip. reviews

News
submit
archive

Miscellaneous
newsletter
rss feeds
polls
about

Follow us on



Home > AikiWeb Aikido Forums
Go Back   AikiWeb Aikido Forums > Columns

Hello and thank you for visiting AikiWeb, the world's most active online Aikido community! This site is home to over 22,000 aikido practitioners from around the world and covers a wide range of aikido topics including techniques, philosophy, history, humor, beginner issues, the marketplace, and more.

If you wish to join in the discussions or use the other advanced features available, you will need to register first. Registration is absolutely free and takes only a few minutes to complete so sign up today!

Comment
 
Column Tools
Losing
Losing
by Paul Schweer
09-27-2012
Losing

Am I learning to lose? Half the time I'm taking falls. When I'm not taking falls, what am I learning then? If what I'm learning then is how to win, then why, when I play with a Judo or BJJ guy, do I not win?

And if I'm not learning how to win, what then?

~~~

Cheryl and I played a lot of tennis in 2009. Good chunk of that year I wasn't working so I had the time. We'd go weekday evenings, do marathon weekend sessions. Lot of tennis. And I behaved badly. Often. I knew better, and I didn't want to be that guy -- unemployed and over-invested in games. The sore loser. But I was. For a long stretch, I was.

Worst part was knowing I was doing it and still doing it. Poor tennis partner, poor life partner, poor training partner. Too earnest, too touchy, too much inside my own head. Feeling at the mercy of circumstance. And angry. And knowing angry wasn't going to help.

One of the navel-gazing, frothy things in my messed up head was the question of what, exactly, I had a right to be angry about. Yes, I'd been laid off in 2008. Yes, I' been fired from another job spring of 2009. But none of it was unjust. I couldn't look at it and say, with a straight face, that I'd been "wronged". There was, in fact, an awful lot of that kind of thing going around. So many other people dealing with the same thing, shouldn't be that hard for me to deal with it.

It was.

For no good reason I could see, it was hard. Just a few months without a job. That's all. Everything else stayed in place and strong as ever. My marriage, my health, my dojo -- all there for me. My job gone, for a very short spell, and I'm a mess.

I confessed to a friend -- "confessed" is the right word; it seemed a sin to be so lucky and so lost at the same time. I told him, "Gotta say, I'm really struggling."

He was quiet for a while before answering. We were in the dojo changing room, the two of us. He gathered his stuff, and then answered while walking out, "You're not poor by any measure."

~~~

I was working three jobs fall of 1990, but I made time for Monday nights. Pizza night. And beer. Frank and I would watch football and do ourselves a nutritional disservice -- pepperoni and crispy bacon. Coors Light in a can. We'd settle in, over feed, and usually be asleep by the half.

It was during one of those Monday nights that I told Frank about Cheryl.

"Ask her out," he said.

"Was thinking about it."

"Well?"

"Don't know," I said. "Doesn't seem like she's maybe out of my league?"

He waited, but that was the only excuse I offered. He said, "What's wrong with you?"

~~~

Greg and I were going at it, practicing a jo kata Greg knew and I was learning. Going fast, repeating the same kata over and over. It ended with a strike to the forehead implied by extending the strike off to one side or by stopping it just short of the target, but I didn't stop. I hit him between the eyes. He dropped, folding down onto himself. Couple guys came over and knelt down with him. He didn't move.

I left the mat and went to the changing room. I got changed. Greg caught me as I was leaving. He didn't look good, but he smiled at me. "Come on back out," he said. "Get back on the mat." That was maybe fourteen years ago.

Last year I broke a guy's nose playing basketball. My elbow caught him just so. He ended up needing surgery to fix it right. I didn't dress out for a while. He came to see me, smiling behind the repairs, and telling me to get back out there.

~~~

The dojo is dead. It doesn't know it yet, and it's still up, walking around, and talking to passers-by, like Bruce Willis did in The Sixth Sense. It's still my dojo, but it's not really there anymore.

For years I watched, ready for what I figured would happen: my teacher would die; the dojo would carry on best it could. Didn't happen that way.

~~~

Mom didn't come to the wedding. Cheryl understood. Me too. We'd seen Mom a few months earlier and knew she had no business traveling. But Dad made the trip. One of my favorites from our wedding album is a picture of my brother, my dad, and me. We look good.

Mom died five years later, spring of 1998. I'd started my Aikido practice a few months before. It was good getting back on the mat after traveling with Cheryl to the funeral.

Haven't talked to my brother in a long time.

Dad doesn't travel any more. I see him infrequently, but when I do, I make sure to tell him goodbye. I make sure to tell him: "You're a good dad."

~~~

It was contracting that got me employed again. Back in the game. My first contract job was local, but since that first one wound down, I've been working out of town. I don't like leaving home -- home is where Cheryl is, so it ain't about location. But once I'm away, I don't mind.

~~~

Last time I saw Ellis was late night in a dark, Seattle hotel parking lot. I'd had too much to eat and drink, and it seemed like a good idea at the time. I said to him, "I love you, man." To anyone watching -- God, I hope nobody was watching -- it must have looked like an outtake from a particularly pitiful reality show. But I said it.

I should be saying it more.

Long time ago, an old Cajun named George Dugas was a good friend to me. I learned a lot from him and grew to love the man, but I never said it to him. He's been dead maybe a dozen years now. Few months back, another good friend stood in my driveway on a fine Saturday morning, and just before getting in his car and driving away, he said to me, "Love you, Paulie." And I said nothing.

I remember my mother saying, long time ago, I should tell people how I feel about them. Even when it seems they don't hear. Even if it seems they don't want to hear. I didn't really think she was talking to me.

~~~

Johnny's is the kind of place where they call you "hon", serve coffee in a heavy mug, and let you linger over your grits. It's maybe two miles from my teacher's house, so I meet him there when we can. Last time was last year. I had ham and eggs. He ordered something healthy. We talked about his Aikido teacher, his wife, his family. He asked me about Cheryl. He didn't say much. I asked what I should be doing for my Aikido practice. He said, "Read some philosophy."

Few months after that, we agreed to meet again at Johnny's for breakfast. I sat alone, drank coffee, and waited for a long while.

~~~

Our usual state, Cheryl and me, after an afternoon of tennis, is sweat soaked and pretty much worn out. We don't play as often as we used to, but it's our usual Saturday thing now and often my favorite part of our weekends together -- they go by fast. By the time tennis ends and we're back at the house, still slightly sticky with sweat and starting to stink, making our way together to the bath -- peeling off our clinging clothes -- we pause, move together, and hold on.

~~~

we are very clean
soapy and slick
wet and warm
your hair sticks to my chest
you laugh and say you might drown
I let you go
stop the shower water
and watch you step
from tub
to towel
to the bare floor

Paul Schweer is a student at Shindai Aikikai in Orlando, Florida. More about Paul can be found here.
Attached Images
File Type: pdf pschweer_2012_09.pdf (96.3 KB, 2 views)
Old 09-27-2012, 11:23 PM   #2
Janet Rosen
 
Janet Rosen's Avatar
Location: Left Coast
Join Date: May 2002
Posts: 4,339
Offline
Re: Losing

Great column, Paul. Thank you for it.

Janet Rosen
http://www.zanshinart.com
"peace will enter when hate is gone"--percy mayfield
  Reply With Quote
Old 09-28-2012, 02:32 AM   #3
Dazzler
Dojo: Bristol North Aikido Dojo
Location: Bristol
Join Date: Sep 2004
Posts: 659
England
Offline
Re: Losing

Very readable. Thanks.
  Reply With Quote
Old 09-28-2012, 07:28 AM   #4
Susan Dalton
Dojo: Greensboro Kodokan
Location: Greensboro
Join Date: Mar 2004
Posts: 346
Offline
Re: Losing

Beautiful! Thank you.
  Reply With Quote
Old 09-29-2012, 08:45 AM   #5
aikishihan
Dojo: aikido academy/alhambra,california
Location: Los Angeles, California
Join Date: Sep 2004
Posts: 371
United_States
Offline
Re: Losing

Thank you for sharing a perspective at once both private and universal.

I am glad to say that you have lost nothing of value.
As Oprah is credited with saying, you may have lost an opportunity, but you did not lose the lesson.

Congratulations!

Last edited by aikishihan : 09-29-2012 at 08:48 AM.
  Reply With Quote
Old 09-29-2012, 01:28 PM   #6
lbb
Location: Massachusetts
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 3,202
United_States
Offline
Re: Losing

That's a great column, Paul.
  Reply With Quote
Old 09-30-2012, 05:24 AM   #7
SeiserL
 
SeiserL's Avatar
Location: Florida Gulf coast
Join Date: Jun 2000
Posts: 3,902
United_States
Offline
Re: Losing

Learning to lose most gracefully, productively, and frequently.

Lynn Seiser PhD
Yondan Aikido & FMA/JKD
We do not rise to the level of our expectations, but fall to the level of our training. Train well. KWATZ!
  Reply With Quote
Old 10-11-2012, 08:55 AM   #8
Paul Schweer
Join Date: Jun 2002
Posts: 43
Offline
Re: Losing

Thanks everybody for the kind words.

Much appreciated,

Paul Schweer
  Reply With Quote
Old 10-11-2012, 09:23 AM   #9
aikishihan
Dojo: aikido academy/alhambra,california
Location: Los Angeles, California
Join Date: Sep 2004
Posts: 371
United_States
Offline
Re: Losing

No fool he, to have lost what he could not keep, and kept what he could not lose.
  Reply With Quote

Comment


Currently Active Users Viewing This Column: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Column Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new columns
You may not post comment
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

vB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Similar Threads
Column Column Starter Category Comments Last Post
Losing It Thomas Osborn External Aikido Blog Posts 1 02-23-2010 06:55 PM
losing control... Jess McDonald General 31 08-25-2007 10:00 PM
I'm losing my dojo... Jess McDonald General 8 08-06-2007 09:33 AM
Losing grip during katate dori Eric Cook Training 16 09-20-2006 12:49 PM
Losing the drive? Unregistered Anonymous 27 03-30-2004 10:59 AM


All times are GMT -6. The time now is 11:37 PM.



Column powered by GARS 2.1.5 ©2005-2006

vBulletin Copyright © 2000-2024 Jelsoft Enterprises Limited
----------
Copyright 1997-2024 AikiWeb and its Authors, All Rights Reserved.
----------
For questions and comments about this website:
Send E-mail
plainlaid-picaresque outchasing-protistan explicantia-altarage seaford-stellionate