Welcome to AikiWeb Aikido Information
AikiWeb: The Source for Aikido Information
AikiWeb's principal purpose is to serve the Internet community as a repository and dissemination point for aikido information.

Sections
home
aikido articles
columns

Discussions
forums
aikiblogs

Databases
dojo search
seminars
image gallery
supplies
links directory

Reviews
book reviews
video reviews
dvd reviews
equip. reviews

News
submit
archive

Miscellaneous
newsletter
rss feeds
polls
about

Follow us on



Home > AikiWeb Aikido Forums
Go Back   AikiWeb Aikido Forums > Humor

Hello and thank you for visiting AikiWeb, the world's most active online Aikido community! This site is home to over 22,000 aikido practitioners from around the world and covers a wide range of aikido topics including techniques, philosophy, history, humor, beginner issues, the marketplace, and more.

If you wish to join in the discussions or use the other advanced features available, you will need to register first. Registration is absolutely free and takes only a few minutes to complete so sign up today!

Reply
 
Thread Tools
Old 02-06-2005, 12:20 AM   #51
bryce_montgomery
 
bryce_montgomery's Avatar
Location: Tupelo, MS
Join Date: May 2004
Posts: 180
United_States
Offline
Re: Sitting in a bar....

Hey...what do you get hanging from a mango tree?...

Give up?...

Sore arms!...

...yeah, I'm following John...

Bryce
  Reply With Quote
Old 03-07-2005, 10:17 AM   #52
Steve Mullen
Dojo: White Rose (Sunderland)
Location: Washington
Join Date: Jul 2004
Posts: 270
England
Offline
Re: Sitting in a bar....

okay that last joke took me way too long to get *hangs head in shame*

this isn't really a joke but i thinks its kinda funny, its a sign i saw at a bar we frequently visit after training

No smoking around the bar, anyone caught smoking will be deemed to be too drunk to read this sign....................... anyone deemed too drunk will be refused service

"No matter your pretence, you are what you are and nothing more." - Kenshiro Abbe Shihan
  Reply With Quote
Old 03-07-2005, 11:47 AM   #53
pezalinski
 
pezalinski's Avatar
Dojo: Aikido of Harvard (IL)
Location: harvard, IL
Join Date: Aug 2004
Posts: 159
United_States
Offline
Re: Sitting in a bar....

Quote:
John Boswell wrote:
*moan*
some of these jokes are kinda *koan-y*


A little danger is a knowledge thing...

"Helping the planet make an impact on people, since 1985"
  Reply With Quote
Old 03-08-2005, 05:32 AM   #54
Tim Gerrard
 
Tim Gerrard's Avatar
Dojo: White Rose Aikikai - Durham
Location: Newcastle
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 156
United Kingdom
Offline
Re: Sitting in a bar....

Saw a "No-Fear" T-shirt with this on it:

"If you drink and drive, you're a bloody idiot." and on the back "but if you make it home, you're a legend."

Aikido doesn't work? My Aikido works, what on earth are you practicing?!
  Reply With Quote
Old 03-08-2005, 05:46 AM   #55
batemanb
 
batemanb's Avatar
Dojo: Seibukan Aikido UK
Location: body in UK, heart still in Japan
Join Date: May 2002
Posts: 1,029
Offline
Re: Sitting in a bar....

I thought that this was funny, but thought it even funnier that someone had to explain how to read the joke, just in case you didn't get it. Kinda like the only time I ever saw America's most wanted, they explained every clip in detail before showing it - what's the point? Anyways, here it is in it's original format, apologies

THIS IS SOME KIND OF CHILI CONTEST

If you can read this whole story without tears of laughter running down your cheeks, then there's no hope for you!

Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better!

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is.

They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time the Rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome.

The notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who wasvisiting Texas from the East Coast:

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event:

> >Chili # 1 (Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili)

> >Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

> >Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

> >Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy sh*t, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

> >Chili # 2 (Arthur's Afterburner Chili)

> >Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

> >Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

> >Chili # 3 (Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili)

> >Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.

> >Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

> >Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the ! routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from all of the beer.

> >Chili # 4 (Bubba's Black Magic)

> >Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice.Disappointing.

> >Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

> >Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. b*tch is starting to look HOT... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

> >

> >Chili # 5 (Linda's Legal Lip Remover)

> >Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

> >Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

> >Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really p*sses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

> >Chili # 6 (Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety)

> >Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

> >Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

> >Judge #3-- I sh*t myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my @ss with a snow cone.

> >

> >Chili # 7 (Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili)

> >Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

> >Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

> >Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like sh*t to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

> >

> >Chili # 8 (Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili)

> >Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

> >Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.

Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have!

reacted to really hot chili?

Last edited by batemanb : 03-08-2005 at 05:51 AM.

A difficult problem is easily solved by asking yourself the question, "Just how would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
  Reply With Quote

Please visit our sponsor:

Cool Rain Productions - Since 1976, the exclusive source for "Aikido in Training" Book/DVD Series



Reply


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

vB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
right way of doing sitting kokyu-ho reyne caritativo General 23 02-05-2006 08:14 PM
Training from seiza vs sitting MM Training 3 02-06-2005 12:00 AM
Sitting seiza p00kiethebear General 14 12-16-2003 02:00 PM
attacked while sitting arvin m. Techniques 7 07-14-2001 09:23 PM
sitting crossed legged Sherman Byas Techniques 3 07-03-2001 09:20 PM


All times are GMT -6. The time now is 07:10 AM.



vBulletin Copyright © 2000-2014 Jelsoft Enterprises Limited
----------
Copyright 1997-2014 AikiWeb and its Authors, All Rights Reserved.
----------
For questions and comments about this website:
Send E-mail
plainlaid-picaresque outchasing-protistan explicantia-altarage seaford-stellionate