Predator Sensei

Even if I get banned...

Ron Ragusa wrote: One only look to the news to see how women who come forward with accusations of sexual harassment are publicly vilified; even when the alleged harasser is taped bragging about his exploits. Ron

So this is how you roll? This is what you say to your students? You play on them the "behave or you'll be ostracised" card?

Mary Eastland wrote: Sound advice is to get out now. The other advice about telling what is happening may not be so good. Whistle blowers are not embraced.

If you're leaving anyway, you're already stepping out of the group so who cares if you're not embraced by the group you left? You might get a hug from someone a year later who finds themselves in the exact same situation and recognizes it as a pattern with this jerk. Whispernet people.

Demetrio Cereijo wrote: Even if I get banned... So this is how you roll? This is what you say to your students? You play on them the "behave or you'll be ostracised" card?

Oh please... I teach Aikido. I'm not a social worker, lawyer or therapist so I don't give advice along those lines. And I don't play any cards on my students. It's not part of my job description to tell them how to behave. They're all adults capable of making their own decisions. Personally I think the OP should leave the dojo but since, at least to my knowledge, she hasn't then her first duty is to take care of herself while she still trains there.

Ron

Demetrio Cereijo wrote: At the moment? Maybe after that predator actually victimize someone would be a good moment? After the third victim? The fourth? Please do tell us what is the number of victims needed to take action.

Why is it the victim responsible for rectifying the situation?
In a dynamic such as this...getting out can be really hard and then piling on telling makes it too much.

Baby steps can be taken and are important.

Christian Moses wrote: If you're leaving anyway, you're already stepping out of the group so who cares if you're not embraced by the group you left? You might get a hug from someone a year later who finds themselves in the exact same situation and recognizes it as a pattern with this jerk. Whispernet people.

Or you might not. Do you have any experiences to share that turned out well?

I have told a couple of times in my life and ended up feeling not welcome in other circles besides the ones I have left.

I might support another woman privately but I would be hard pressed to tell about a situation like this publicly again.

Mary Eastland wrote: Or you might not. Do you have any experiences to share that turned out well? I have told a couple of times in my life and ended up feeling not welcome in other circles besides the ones I have left. I might support another woman privately but I would be hard pressed to tell about a situation like this publicly again.

Yes, I've been the one to say, "I believe you and this will never happen again." Yes we did something about it. No one blamed the person coming forward and we're still friends.

Sometimes these things don't end well, it was really hard to be one of the first people posting about Clint George for example when he was accused of grooming a minor who was a student of his, but I did it.

It's my strong opinion that people who abuse their power do so regularly, it's never a one off event.

Finally, in case it's not absolutely clear, I really feel for the OP and hope she's able to take some of this advice as supportive. This must really suck to have to go through.

Ron Ragusa wrote: Perhaps you've never had any experience being a whistle blower. If she (the original poster) publicizes the sensei's behavior most likely she will be ostracized by the rest of the dojo. Without concrete proof of predatory behavior by her sensei, it's her word against his and that rarely ends well for the accuser.

Her problem is not the risk of being ostracized by the rest of the dojo. Her problem is remaining in the dojo, having anything to do with the dojo, for another second.

Your advice about whistleblowers is no doubt useful in the general sense, but in this context it's frankly ludicrous and unhelpful. If she has a grain of sanity, she is DONE with that dojo. If you read my earlier post, I said that IF her association has a sexual harassment/misconduct policy (and if they do, it should have a reporting procedure that bypasses the perpetrator, obviously), she should consider using it. What exactly do you take issue with?

Ron Ragusa wrote: Perhaps you've never had any experience being a whistle blower. If she (the original poster) publicizes the sensei's behavior most likely she will be ostracized by the rest of the dojo. Without concrete proof of predatory behavior by her sensei, it's her word against his and that rarely ends well for the accuser. One only look to the news to see how women who come forward with accusations of sexual harassment are publicly vilified; even when the alleged harasser is taped bragging about his exploits. Ron

You've just summarized the biggest problem lighting up headlines in America these days. It's why so many women are speaking up now, about incidents that happened 10+ years ago.
#beliveher

Ron Ragusa wrote: Oh please... I teach Aikido. I'm not a social worker, lawyer or therapist so I don't give advice along those lines. And I don't play any cards on my students. It's not part of my job description to tell them how to behave. They're all adults capable of making their own decisions. Personally I think the OP should leave the dojo but since, at least to my knowledge, she hasn't then her first duty is to take care of herself while she still trains there. Ron

I hesitate to call this outright terrible advice, because this guy is running his own dojo/business and people have a choice if they want to be there or not, but the whole "if you don't like it then leave" thing is played out and smacks of misogyny.

[quote=

I hesitate to call this outright terrible advice, because this guy is running his own dojo/business and people have a choice if they want to be there or not, but the whole "if you don't like it then leave" thing is played out and smacks of misogyny.[/QUOTE]

That is a funny one. Or could it be because he lives in the real with a real women who has spoken up several times. A real women who has been ostracized by other women co-workers and by the offender who she still gets to work with.

And then there is the time when that real woman in the real world spoke up at another job and the atmosphere became so intolerable she had to quit a job that she had been at for 10 years and really loved.

Maybe the OP just wants the abuse to stop and maybe she loves her dojo. Maybe asking for help involves hearing a lot of different ideas. Maybe...

Ron Ragusa wrote: Oh please... I teach Aikido.

I do not agree with that statement.

Mary Eastland wrote: Why is it the victim responsible for rectifying the situation?

The victim has the same moral responsablilities than any other person.

Demetrio Cereijo wrote: I do not agree with that statement.

Your post completely irrelevant, and as with most of your Aikido posts, contributes nothing to the thread.

Ron

Ron Ragusa wrote: Your post completely irrelevant, and as with most of your Aikido posts, contributes nothing to the thread. Ron

Also, I do not agree with those statements.

Demetrio Cereijo wrote: Also, I do not agree with those statements.

Life's too short to fence with someone just interested in trolling an Aikido board. To the block list with you.

Demetrio Cereijo wrote: The victim has the same moral responsibilities than any other person.

I disagree. You don't get to declare what her responsibilities are. Each circumstance is different and while we must do out best...sometimes a person's best might not measure up to what you describe and it is still good enough.

Demetrio Cereijo wrote: Also, I do not agree with those statements.

Can you describe how saying Ron does not teach aikido contribute to this thread?
And having never trained with him how can you come to the conclusion?

Out of respect for the OP, can we just drop this? Advice was asked for and given. Feels like this has run its course.

Christian Moses wrote: Out of respect for the OP, can we just drop this? Advice was asked for and given. Feels like this has run its course.

Or take it to another thread. It isn't helping OP.

It actually does relate to the thread...someone writes something that is against the forum rules,
( i.e. a personal attack...) and when someone defends themselves it makes other people uncomfortable and the uncomfortable ones make it seem like the whole situation is bad, not just the attacker.

It really reflects what happens in the real world

So to the OP: I repeat. Take care of yourself in a way that works for you. And don't expect anyone else to come running to your aid because they won't. You have be prepared for some really uncomfortable feelings.

For some reason almost eight weeks passed before anyone responded to the OP's post, and now ten weeks have passed with no further input from the OP. In her post she stated that her teacher "hits all the points" that describe a predator. I suspect that she had already made her decision, which was to succumb to her teacher's advances, and was looking for someone -- anyone -- to tell her that that would be OK. No one has. By now she has followed through on her decision. I feel sorry for her.

Dan Rubin wrote: For some reason almost eight weeks passed before anyone responded to the OP's post, and now ten weeks have passed with no further input from the OP. In her post she stated that her teacher "hits all the points" that describe a predator. I suspect that she had already made her decision, which was to succumb to her teacher's advances, and was looking for someone -- anyone -- to tell her that that would be OK. No one has. By now she has followed through on her decision. I feel sorry for her.

I totally agree, but would feel sorry for her husband.

Anonymous User wrote: yes, a part of me wants him very much, even if it would just be sex,

OP here.

The guest user comment submission takes entirely too long to be approved, hence the huge delay between my original post and replies and, well, now (assuming this will take some weeks to appear). But yes, by the time this was posted everything had run it's course. I've asked the original post to be removed due to too many identifying factors but as of yet it hasn't been.

For those wondering... I realized this situation as ultimately being a symptom of problems within my marriage and the inevitable course this was taking, separated with my husband, slept with my sensei (yes, in that order) and now I'm in the process of leaving the dojo. Maybe not the moral victory in the end everyone here was hoping for, but nonetheless what happened.

You are aware of what happened, how it happened, and why it happened. That's an encouraging sign for the future.

Anonymous User wrote: Maybe not the moral victory in the end everyone here was hoping for, but nonetheless what happened.

You're not accountable to us, though. I hope things go well for you.

You slept with the sensei knowing he was married, that makes you a tramp in my eyes.