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Old 01-06-2010, 12:53 PM   #26
ruthmc
Dojo: Wokingham Aikido
Location: Reading, UK
Join Date: Mar 2003
Posts: 393
United Kingdom
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Re: Bullying

Interesting discussion

In order for a person to avoid becoming the victim of a bully, he must have developed the internal belief that he is acceptable. Those who don't have this belief really struggle to defend themselves

In Aikido it's part of my training to help my fellow students develop this awareness within themselves, therefore I encourage them, accept them as the unique individuals they are, and smile a lot

People who are surrounded by discouragment and disparagment will naturally come to think of themselves as unacceptable.

It's up to us as parents, teachers, relatives and friends to ensure that those around us get the right messages from us.

It's also up to us to recognise that about 100% of the disparaging remarks made towards us are not aimed at us personally

(Scarily enough, I have only learned all of the above fairly recently in life and I am in my late 30s )

Ruth
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Old 01-06-2010, 02:51 PM   #27
aikishihan
Dojo: aikido academy/alhambra,california
Location: Los Angeles, California
Join Date: Sep 2004
Posts: 369
United_States
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Re: Bullying

"Whoever fights monsters, should see to it that in the process, he does not become a monster, and when you look into an abyss, the abyss looks into you."

attributed to NIetzsche
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Old 04-15-2012, 06:37 AM   #28
Alberto_Italiano
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 296
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Re: Bullying

Quote:
Francis Takahashi wrote: View Post
"Whoever fights monsters, should see to it that in the process, he does not become a monster, and when you look into an abyss, the abyss looks into you."

attributed to NIetzsche
Indeed, it is Nietzsche. Cannot recall which book.

But first, my two cents on being bullied. At school once it happened to me, I was 14, and I was obviously targeted - for months.
What worked for me, and solved it, was to finally accept the challenge: instead than recoiling, face the guy squarely and say: "ok you wanna a fight I'm gonna fight this time. You start".
In my case worked and, to my own bewilderment, ended the bullying and I even hadn't to fight go figure!

I am not saying anyone should rely on this - there are bullies that may be far more of an issue than that. However, it may indicate that a bully goes on bullying only as long as he gets away with it for free, or with minimal losses.
Also in another instance I found out that the mere verbal confrontation (never abusive: meet him on tough but not verbally abusive grounds, or you play his playbook) ended it.
But of course those probably weren't the callous bullies.
However...

As for Nietzsche, at face value the sentence says what it says, and it is true. But the second part (the one about the abyss) seems to suggest a subtler meaning: if you deal long enough with daemons, you may not become a daemon, but it will leave a mark. Nobody copes with evil with impunity - or that wasn't evil.

Everything conjures for our own Enlightenment, and evil most than anything else because it is so real.
How much real? Enough to kill us! And when it's truly evil, it won't use its hands.

It is as if it is saying: ok, you think you're a tough guy - show me you are one, let's see how much you like this. And it produces something that is, indeed, a challenge.

If you like killing dragons, you must kill the ones that are hard to kill. That's when the dragon "stares back into you". A stare you will never forget. And that was the real deal, the real "dragon".
It leaves you fighting with yourself.

Last edited by Alberto_Italiano : 04-15-2012 at 06:41 AM.
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Old 04-16-2012, 01:19 AM   #29
aikidoka81
 
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Re: Bullying

Quote:
David Skaggs wrote: View Post
It is an individual's choice what the effect of verbal bullying has.
If a verbal attack destroys you, that is your choice.

The best response to nonphysical bullying is no response. Do not engage the bully. Stay away from someone who is a bully, leave if someone is bullying you, or if you can't do either of the above then ignore the bully.

David
Completely agree with both David. Bullying will affect us only if we let it.

Bullies bully us to get a reaction, if we just ignore them, they will feel frustrated.

Aikido The Gentle Martial Art http://www.squidoo.com/aikido3
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Old 04-16-2012, 06:41 AM   #30
BobGorman
 
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Re: Bullying

Quote:
Alberto Italiano wrote: View Post

What worked for me, and solved it, was to finally accept the challenge:...

I am not saying anyone should rely on this - there are bullies that may be far more of an issue than that....
But of course those probably weren't the callous bullies...

How much real? Enough to kill us! And when it's truly evil, it won't use its hands.

If you like killing dragons, you must kill the ones that are hard to kill.
My conclusion: There are as many types of bullies as there are flavors of ice cream; some serious even lethal, some not; some easily deterred, some not; and some who will go away if ignored, some not. So as with any type of attack we need many specific types of response, not the popular "One size fits no one"...
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Old 04-16-2012, 06:58 AM   #31
Kevin Leavitt
 
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Dojo: Aikido of Northern Virginia
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Re: Bullying

Quote:
Chua Halim wrote: View Post
Completely agree with both David. Bullying will affect us only if we let it.

Bullies bully us to get a reaction, if we just ignore them, they will feel frustrated.
I agree I. Theory. The problem is many kids do not have the skill sets or their pysche is developing and simply need help. I do what I can to prepare them. I am proud that my son, who experiences bullying has made up his mind to stand up and say it is wrong. He also understands that he should stand up for those that are weaker and cannot. Bully is a learned thing. So is anti bullying. We need to teach our kids how to deal with it.

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Old 05-19-2012, 03:52 PM   #32
Jacqueline von Arb
 
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Dojo: JuShinKan Aikido
Location: Stavanger, Norway
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Re: Bullying

Follow-up on the story of how the longterm bullying of my then 10-year-old son (to the point of him wishing he wouldn't wake up in the morning) was dealt with applying aikido principles to his situation: see post nr 11

He is today 15 years old, and he still does not practice any aikido (I still do!) - but the other day, he came home very proud about the written exam he just took (English as a second language). He read it to me. The subject was "Beauty comes from the inside" and he chose to tell this story and what it meant to him. I was very moved - I'm very proud of him and I'm so grateful to aikido and to all who've helped me on my aiki-way. You've helped my son as well!

Domo arigato gozaimashta

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Old 09-09-2012, 09:14 AM   #33
nerez3
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 10
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Re: Bullying

To be quite honest, I do not believe in "non-violence" against bullying. If it gets to the point where I am physically abused by another person, I have no problem giving them a nice koshi-nage or a kotegaeshi. I must also be a bad person, because under no circumstance would the attacker's safety come over my own. If someone hurts themselves because they attacked me and can't fall safely, not my problem.

As my teacher says, "If someone steps inside your legal boundary and attacks you, whatever happens to them is a result of their stupidity".

It's honest and noble to try to "disarm" the attacker, but at what point should one risk his own safety at the cost of someone willing to do harm to him. Yes aikido preaches non-violence, but if someone wants to hurt me, I will do my best to defend myself, and am not going to just "sit on them in ikkyo" if they have a knife or a gun.

I don't consider myself a saint, but I don't consider myself a bad person either. I also wouldn't think twice about the fact that I could cause major harm to someone when defending myself if my life was at stake. Just my 2 cents.
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Old 09-19-2012, 02:17 AM   #34
SteliosPapadakis
Dojo: aikido-dojo-nippos
Location: Crete
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 97
Greece
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Re: Bullying

Bullying...
i was 8 or 9 when two new kids, both three years older than us (repatriated immigrants' children who were made to step down three years in primary school in order to learn the language), started chasing me up during breaks. First it was verbal abuse and i tried (following my parents' advice) to ignore and walk away. This, to my surprise, never worked and it had the opposite result: it put wood in the fire of their aggressiveness. Then it started becoming physical. Pushing, dragging, kicking, spitting. And it was not only me, many kids were bullied around in similar fashion. The two chubby kids in the class were actually tortured at every break, it was very sad. And the teachers, despite the parents' raising of the matter, did nothing about it.
One day, some 4 months later, i went home with enough red pinching marks on my arms and a brown eye, so my father decided to take action. I remember him coming around noon at school, asked me where the bullies were and i, very frightened if this would work, pointed towards them.
He grasped both of them from behind the neck and started smashing their heads one onto the other. Then he threw them away like empty sacks and they both fell on their faces.
They never bothered me again. Actually they never bothered anyone again... Everyone at school could breath easily again.
Immoral? Unethical? Abuse? I really do not care. Some things cannot be dealt otherwise, assistance is needed. And i never, ever regret my father coming to the school that day.
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Old 09-19-2012, 05:31 AM   #35
Mario Tobias
Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 252
Philippines
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Re: Bullying

I, and my peers, experienced bullying by my boss. But I managed to control him and stop his actions. It's one of the hardest situations I faced. Do not let be bullied into silence.

Believe it or not, I successfully used Aikido principles. It's then that I realized the essence of aikido's philosophy even in a non-physical confrontational setting.

Stance. When facing him use an assertive, not aggressive, stance similar to kamae, but only in the mind. Standing, sitting in presence of or walking towards the bully, it's important to assume a straight assertive posture always keeping kamae in mind.

Being Nage. Keep eye contact, track him and do not look away when interacting with the bully...similar to facing uke always anywhere when performing a technique.

Turn him into your uke. Challenge/defeat him (throw him) but do not let him lose face (still protect). I think I did it by being frank about the situation but still being professional.

Attack his blind side. Give him just a hint of what you might do and what you are capable of. Make him be the one uncomfortable when he's dealing with you (similar to uke being in a disadvantaged position during a technique).

Strong Intent. Have strong intent that if he wants to wrong you/start his bullying that you will fight back and he most likely will lose or meet his match, but only through intent and body language. The fight is won before it's even begun. Be strong inside and do not show weakness. Stay centered and relaxed. The bully can actually sense tension and can take advantage of this to start his bullying.

Defense. Do not use confrontational language but be very assertive. Perform verbal kaeshiwaza.

Atemi/preemptive strike. Find his openings/weaknesses and report his actions to HR.
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