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Old 03-17-2009, 12:54 PM   #51
Guilty Spark
 
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Re: Romantic Feelings for a Girl at the Dojo

":-)", how old are you?

If you're hungry, keep moving.
If you're tired, keep moving.
If you value you're life, keep moving.

You don't own what you can't defend
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Old 03-18-2009, 02:29 AM   #52
wideawakedreamer
 
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Re: Romantic Feelings for a Girl at the Dojo

What is this form of social anxiety, and how is this different from shyness? Or is social anxiety the new name for shyness?

I'm not trying to belittle you, merely trying to understand you better.

I used to be shy. I still am a little, but I have a lot more confidence now than when I was a teenager. Maybe you're the same as I was before and you'll eventually learn to deal in your own way.

Quote:
Anonymous User wrote: View Post
The truth is I have a form of social anxiety and find it hard to deal with certain social situations, especially in regards to dating or asking someone on a date.

Rambo, call me a 12 year old girl if you want. Judging someone because of a psychological issue they face in my opinion is on the same level as making fun of someone because they are in a wheel chair.

I didn't tick a box or elect to be the way I am. It is not easy to live a life of regret and loneliness, waking up each day wishing you could be like everybody else.

I'm not sure if anyone else can appreciate how hard it is for me to train with someone I have such strong feelings for and not be able to tell her how I feel, or know how she truly feels about me.

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Old 03-18-2009, 03:15 AM   #53
Jesse Legon
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Re: Romantic Feelings for a Girl at the Dojo

1) you ask her out and either get a yes or a no. Then life and training can resume either way.

or

2) never ask her out, live a life of regret and ruin your training in the process.

It's a no-brainer!!
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Old 04-12-2009, 08:14 AM   #54
dematteo84
 
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Re: Romantic Feelings for a Girl at the Dojo

I also like a girl at Aikido. At first I was a little ashamed and embarrassed, the last thing I wanted to do was use Aikido as a way of finding love. I was attracted to this girl physically, but did not wish to become “involved” with her as I felt it would complicate things.

It was easy at first as I didn’t train with her, or have any close contact. After a while we started training together. The way that she would look into my eyes, and the way she acted towards me in general gave me the impression that she “liked” me. I am not sure if my gut feeling was correct, but suddenly I found that she was becoming more irresistible to me.

I try to be strong and resist temptation and can think of numerous reasons in my mind why I shouldn’t get involved with he, but in my hart and spirit I want to give it a go, and feel like I wont be at peace until I do so.

I only hope that I can find the inner strength to talk to her as an adult and explain the situation. I am no longer ashamed of my feelings towards her and recognize that they are only natural, and hope that she can understand.

Sure I want more than anything to be with her, but at the same time want what is best for her and for the Dojo.

I think that like many other people, I have made a mountain out of a mole hill, and have let the situation get out of hand.
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Old 04-13-2009, 03:42 PM   #55
Chantal
 
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Re: Romantic Feelings for a Girl at the Dojo

all persons involved that have feelings for another at the dojo, I say this: Tell her how you feel, be mature about it, and don't ramble. Most importantly, speak from the heart and tell her off the mat. My suggestion is to ask her out for drink first. If she accepts then she is likely interested in getting to know you and is a step in your favour. If she declines, politely acknowledge. Here is the kicker, if a woman declines and says she is busy, she might actually have plans. Look at her demeanour and how sympathetic she is when she responds. Try a seconed time and see what she says and if she declines, tell her no problem but that if she ever wants to hang out as friends that would be cool.

As a female perspective, look at her eyes ... if you ask her and she smiles and still holds eye contact, that is a good sign. Women like to touch when they are attracted to someone (ok, I should speak for myslef here). Joking and touching the arm or shoulder are safe places to show attraction ... basically, when we touch someone we are interested in, it sends loads of "feel good" hormones through our body ...

I say, ask her out for drink, tell her you find her very interesting and would like to get to know her more ... you will see right away if she pulls back or if she embraces that opportunity.

Chantal

The spiritual beauty, which is the deepest truth, sustains me!
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Old 04-13-2009, 03:49 PM   #56
Joe McParland
 
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Re: Romantic Feelings for a Girl at the Dojo

Just out of curiosity, how would everyone's answer change if, say, one or both parties was married, one or both was a minor, ...?

The anonymous forum is a wonderful place to see people project their own hopes, wishes, histories, circumstances, and so forth, upon others situations.

Just sayin'...

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Old 05-03-2009, 07:13 PM   #57
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Re: Romantic Feelings for a Girl at the Dojo

I met my boyfriend at the dojo. Then we broke up and it was a bit awkward... luckily, he quit. His presence never discouraged me from training there though. So keep in mind that there is a possiblility that you two may not work out and that things could get a little strange.

That same dojo is also where I met my husband! Apparently, I have a thing for martial artists.... haha. We are now happily married and I think that it is great that we are both so passionate about the same thing. A relationship that grows from friendship is usually very special.

I say train and just let things happen. If it is meant to be, then it is meant to be. Be careful though, I know some dojo's have rules about dating students or a teacher (like my husband was when we started dating). If you two do end up dating, I would suggest not working together (or at least not too often).

My husband and I try not to work with each other (but eventually do if there are less people in class). In fact, just this weekend, Sensei purposely put us together. We found that a little strange. Sensei at our new dojo doesn't seem to mind us working together as much as the sensei of our past dojo. Good luck!

Sorry if I am missing t's in my words.... the keyboard is messed up. I hope I caught them as I went!
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Old 07-23-2009, 06:04 PM   #58
"Peter Smicklas"
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Re: Romantic Feelings for a Girl at the Dojo

Quote:
Ashley Carter wrote: View Post
I met my boyfriend at the dojo. Then we broke up and it was a bit awkward... luckily, he quit. His presence never discouraged me from training there though. So keep in mind that there is a possiblility that you two may not work out and that things could get a little strange.

That same dojo is also where I met my husband! Apparently, I have a thing for martial artists.... haha. We are now happily married and I think that it is great that we are both so passionate about the same thing. A relationship that grows from friendship is usually very special.

I say train and just let things happen. If it is meant to be, then it is meant to be. Be careful though, I know some dojo's have rules about dating students or a teacher (like my husband was when we started dating). If you two do end up dating, I would suggest not working together (or at least not too often).

My husband and I try not to work with each other (but eventually do if there are less people in class). In fact, just this weekend, Sensei purposely put us together. We found that a little strange. Sensei at our new dojo doesn't seem to mind us working together as much as the sensei of our past dojo. Good luck!

Sorry if I am missing t's in my words.... the keyboard is messed up. I hope I caught them as I went!
Who did you meet first at the dojo, your boyfriend or your husband?
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Old 07-27-2009, 09:47 PM   #59
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Re: Romantic Feelings for a Girl at the Dojo

My boyfriend.

~Look into the eyes of your opponent & steal his spirit.
~To be a good martial artist is to be good thief; if you want my knowledge, you must take it from me.
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Old 07-28-2009, 09:50 AM   #60
rob_liberti
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Re: Romantic Feelings for a Girl at the Dojo

Normally, I just think of people in the dojos a dogis to work out with. But one day... I went to a seminar a while back and I noticed an extremely pretty face - right at the moment that I was flying through the air for a big ukemi. My head kind of locked in on her, and time time of froze for my head. The rest of my body kept going at normal speed, so I took a really bizarre fall. My teacher who was teaching as he was throwing me kind of looked at me like "what are you doing?!"

Rob
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Old 07-28-2009, 10:43 AM   #61
Ron Tisdale
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Re: Romantic Feelings for a Girl at the Dojo

Lemme guess...you married her?
B,
R

Ron Tisdale
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Old 07-28-2009, 11:40 AM   #62
cconstantine
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Re: Romantic Feelings for a Girl at the Dojo

Quote:
Rob Liberti wrote: View Post
Normally, I just think of people in the dojos a dogis to work out with. But one day... I went to a seminar a while back and I noticed an extremely pretty face - right at the moment that I was flying through the air for a big ukemi. My head kind of locked in on her, and time time of froze for my head. The rest of my body kept going at normal speed, so I took a really bizarre fall. My teacher who was teaching as he was throwing me kind of looked at me like "what are you doing?!"
off-topic from OP I know, but...

I've had several, similar experiences at a dojo on a very busy street that had large windows close to the mat. Cars would stop for the traffic light and you'd be mid breakfall, upside down and wind up making eye contact with someone sitting in their car. It's actually a very delightful experience to be able to notice other people, their expressions and to even have a briefly exchanged, "good morning! how are you?" smile mid ukemi.
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Old 07-28-2009, 02:34 PM   #63
ninjaqutie
 
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Re: Romantic Feelings for a Girl at the Dojo

HAHA... that would be great Craig!

~Look into the eyes of your opponent & steal his spirit.
~To be a good martial artist is to be good thief; if you want my knowledge, you must take it from me.
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Old 07-28-2009, 03:06 PM   #64
Lan Powers
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Re: Romantic Feelings for a Girl at the Dojo

Quote:
Craig Constantine wrote: View Post
off-topic from OP I know, but...

I've had several, similar experiences at a dojo on a very busy street that had large windows close to the mat. Cars would stop for the traffic light and you'd be mid breakfall, upside down and wind up making eye contact with someone sitting in their car. It's actually a very delightful experience to be able to notice other people, their expressions and to even have a briefly exchanged, "good morning! how are you?" smile mid ukemi.
At one point we worked out at a fitness club with big glass windows facing the weight machine rooms.
Lovely ladies in work-out tights would tend to make for some very ugly landings in ukemi. Focus, FOCUS!!

The attractive twenty-something who would make eye-contact while working on the thigh machine had a particularly devastating effect on several of the younger guys. ( of course, being so much above all that I was unfazed )

Fun to watch the reactions though.
Lan

Play nice, practice hard, but remember, this is a MARTIAL art!
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Old 07-31-2009, 05:04 PM   #65
BlueDevilfish
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Re: Romantic Feelings for a Girl at the Dojo

You say that she is talking to you often, calling you little nicknames and putting her hand on your shoulder. Preumably you have watched her enough to know if she treats other guys similarly (particularly the physical contact). If she is the type that touches other people casually/frequently then maybe you are reading too much into it. However if she is not making physical contact with other guys at the dojo then I think she is really trying to tell you something!!!

There is an old saying something along the lines of:

Three things come not back -- the spoken word, the spent arrow, the missed opportunity.

Don't miss an opportunity that you may regret for many years to come. Good luck!
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Old 07-31-2009, 05:36 PM   #66
BlueDevilfish
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Re: Romantic Feelings for a Girl at the Dojo

Further to my previous post I note that you say you are quite shy. I don't want to be seen to be playing the "amateur psychologist" based on brief info you have posted in a forum, but maybe I can just make some general comments about shyness that may be of interest.

The interesting thing about the word 'shy' is that it really means 'scared'. That is, scared of other peoples rejection. The reason a shy person doesn't speak up and voice an opinion in a group situation is that they are 'scared' that they will 'say the wrong thing' or 'say something silly' and that others will therefore think poorly of them. In effect, it involves placing TOO MUCH importance on what other peoples opinions are of you.

In a romantic situation shyness in effect means fear of rejection if you make your feelings know to the person you are interested in.

The good thing is that it is possible to easily overcome this problem!

There is a very well vaildated form of psychology called Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy (REBT) which is used effectively by psychologists all over the world. One good point about REBT is that the principles are easy to understand and many people can get great benefit just by reading books/articles and having a go at the concepts.

Here are a couple of links that may be helpful:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iOfabrp9QAE
http://rebtnetwork.org/ask/jan06.html

If you type "REBT shyness" into Google you will come up with heaps of links.

My apologies if none of this is applicable to your situation.
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Old 08-03-2009, 04:46 AM   #67
GMaroda
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Re: Romantic Feelings for a Girl at the Dojo

IIRC David, he said he has social anxiety. That's a bit more serious than just being shy. Fortunately, it's still treatable through a variety of valid and effective therapy methods.

I only point this out because far too many people think a social anxiety disorder is something you just "need to get over" or "grow out of".

I speak from personal experience.
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Old 08-03-2009, 05:51 AM   #68
BlueDevilfish
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Re: Romantic Feelings for a Girl at the Dojo

Cognitive Behaviour Therapies, such as Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy, which I suggested is probably the best option available for social anxiety issues. A book such as "Performance Anxiety" by Robin and Balter may be of benefit. Many people will gain great benefit from reading books on this issue, others may need the assistance of a therapist.

PS When I posted my original reply I hadn't realised that there were 3 pages of this thread, I had only read the first page. I wasn't aware of the more broad social anxiety issue at that time, but in effect my advice is still valid. Shyness and social anxiety are closely related as evidenced here:
http://www.socialanxietyassist.com.au/
http://www.abc.net.au/health/thepuls...14/1740634.htm
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Old 03-12-2010, 04:47 AM   #69
bulevardi
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Re: Romantic Feelings for a Girl at the Dojo

Always remember you in the dojo to fight, not to make love ;-)

So how did this story end? Is it a couple is it a couple is it a couple? !!110101!!

Last edited by bulevardi : 03-12-2010 at 04:53 AM.

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Old 03-12-2010, 05:56 PM   #70
sakumeikan
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Re: Romantic Feelings for a Girl at the Dojo

Quote:
Anonymous User wrote: View Post
Don't know how many people this has happened to, but recently I have started to get a bit too "comfortable" with a girl at Aikido.
I really enjoy training with her, more so than with any other Uke. The main problem is I have started to develop feeling towards her and they are only getting stronger with time.
I find that the attraction is distracting me during my Aikido training and even at work and at home.

I am considering getting advice from my Sensei, not sure if telling the girl how I feel is appropriate. I don't want to loose what we already have.
Why not simply ask her out for a non aikido date?If she says yes fine, if not too bad.
For myself I met my good lady in a judo dojo-we have been married 50 years.Incidentally neither of us got time off for good behaviour.My missus still packs me off to the dojo.I guess she gets peace and quiet while I am out. Cheers, Joe.
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Old 03-12-2010, 07:07 PM   #71
RED
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Re: Romantic Feelings for a Girl at the Dojo

Quote:
Anonymous User wrote: View Post
Don't know how many people this has happened to, but recently I have started to get a bit too "comfortable" with a girl at Aikido.
I really enjoy training with her, more so than with any other Uke. The main problem is I have started to develop feeling towards her and they are only getting stronger with time.
I find that the attraction is distracting me during my Aikido training and even at work and at home.

I am considering getting advice from my Sensei, not sure if telling the girl how I feel is appropriate. I don't want to loose what we already have.
*shrugs* I'm marrying the guy that thought I was a cute aiki-bunny.
Tell her. Honesty and authenticity are virtuous.

MM
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Old 03-13-2010, 01:21 PM   #72
Janet Rosen
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Re: Romantic Feelings for a Girl at the Dojo

another ancient thread resurrected long after the one-topic poster has long since vanished.....

Janet Rosen
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Old 03-13-2010, 07:54 PM   #73
Chuck Clark
 
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Re: Romantic Feelings for a Girl at the Dojo

Interesting isn't it...

Chuck Clark
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Old 05-02-2010, 10:20 PM   #74
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Re: Romantic Feelings for a Girl at the Dojo

I am in the situation where I have feelings for someone in my Dojo. Their policy, like mine is not to date people from the Dojo. Unfortunately I have strong feelings for this person, even though I know nothing can happen between us. I almost feel I should give up tanning so I can get this person out of my mind. I don't know what to do. I wish I could train with them just as I train with anybody else.
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Old 05-03-2010, 10:55 AM   #75
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Re: Romantic Feelings for a Girl at the Dojo

Quote:
Anonymous User wrote: View Post
I almost feel I should give up tanning so I can get this person out of my mind. I don't know what to do. I wish I could train with them just as I train with anybody else.
What does tanning have to do with anything? Dating a dojo person can cause problems if it doesn't work out. If the two of you are serious about dating, you have two choices.

1.) Do it quietly (despite your dojo rules)
2.) One of you goes to another dojo and you date

~Look into the eyes of your opponent & steal his spirit.
~To be a good martial artist is to be good thief; if you want my knowledge, you must take it from me.
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