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Old 06-10-2008, 09:56 AM   #1
"acooper"
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Grr! jealous wife is cramping my teaching style

Hi All. Are there any instructors out there with extremely jealous wives? I run a small dojo for the city with about 12 students, one of whom is a female in her 20's and my wife gives me alot of grief over it. Normally I am the type of instructor who will come in early or stay late so my students can get more practice in since I am limited in the days we can have class. I am also usully pretty friendly with my students. Since this gal has joined up my wife has forced my to change the way I usually do thing because she is worried that I might end up alone with this girl. I even try to avoid shaking hands with my students after class is over because my wife would kill me if I ever shook her hand!!

Things got worse durring grading last month. When I judge ukemi I do not do it by watching them just roll around on a mat by theselves, I watch how they take ukemi when they are uke. So, following my procedure I kept on eye on this gal when she was uke & my wife flipped out because she felt I was starring at this girl even when it she was not showing any techniques. And then my wife took a peek at my grade book and saw that I gave her decent grades and got pissed at e again for favoriism or something.

I honestly wish this girl would quit. So my wife would get off my back and let me teach the way I am used to. I work for the city so I can't really just kick her out.Maybe if I start making class super hard she will give up and leave.

I know I will get lots of advice to sit down with my wife and explain things so she'll understand. That is pointless because I have tried and tried and it just get me deeper in the doo doo. She even threatens to force me to quit teaching all together because of this.

I have never given my wife any rational reason to be jealous of this girl. I treat her like any other student.

My wife and I have been married for 10 years and I wouldnever do anything to hurt our marriage. I love aikido too though. I've been practicing for 20 years and teaching for about 15 and I can't imagine ever giving it up. It is a huge part of who I am.

Anyone ever seen or experienced anything like this? Thoughts? Help?
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Old 06-10-2008, 11:29 AM   #2
SteveTrinkle
Dojo: Aikido Kenkyukai International
Location: Ambler, Pennsylvania
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Re: jealous wife is cramping my teaching style

You describe a very serious problem. I really recommend finding a qualified marriage therapist. Even if your wife is initially unwilling to go, a good therapist can begin work with just you. What great ukemi training for you this could be.

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Old 06-10-2008, 11:52 AM   #3
Jonathan
Dojo: North Winnipeg Aikikai
Location: Winnipeg, Canada
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Re: jealous wife is cramping my teaching style

Whoa. You've got quite a sticky situation going. I, too, am an Aikido instructor, but I have my wife as a student. Now that's a tricky thing sometimes, I can tell you! Actually, for the most part, its quite wonderful having my wife as a member of the dojo. Its just hard some times to separate out being her husband from being her Aikido teacher. We're figuring it out and making it work.

Like you, my marriage comes first. I've told my wife that I'd quit Aikido if it ever became a problem to our marriage. Hopefully, it'll never come to this, but if it does, I'm determined to put her first. As a part of putting my wife first, I take pains not to carry on with other females in a too-friendly way. While I am cheerful and pleasant with other women, as I am with everbody, I maintain a certain reserve in particular around them. I never allow myself to be in a situation where I am alone with another woman for any length of time and I do not touch other women except to throw them during practice or to shake their hand at first introductions. My wife has never asked me to observe these things, of course - I just do them out of respect for her and my relationship with her.

If your wife has no real reason to be jealous (which is how it sounds from your post), then I'd suggest she has trust and control issues that your role as an Aikido instructor is simply bringing to the fore. The problem isn't you being an Aikido instructor to women, it is that she simply doesn't trust you. I don't think you should make this woman, who has innocently come to your dojo to learn Aikido, the victim of your wife's insecurity. This problem is between you and your wife; it shouldn't, and doesn't, really involve this student at all.

It seems to me that your wife has put you in a place where you must choose between her and your Aikido teaching. Personally, were I in your shoes, I would have very serious issue with the fact that there is no rationale to my wife's distrust of me. The kind of problem you've described sounds like you are becoming a prisoner to your wife's baseless fear. Relationally, this doesn't seem very healthy to me at all.

Of course, all that I've said arises out of hearing only one side of the story. Maybe it would alter were I to hear her side...

"Iron sharpens iron; so a man sharpens the countenance of his friend."
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Old 06-10-2008, 11:52 AM   #4
exarkun1178
Location: point pleasant nj
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Re: jealous wife is cramping my teaching style

wow, sir you have a problem! or rather it sounds like your wife has the problem. if that was me, id continue doing what ive always done. if nothings up, then you have no worries.
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Old 06-10-2008, 11:59 AM   #5
Joe McParland
 
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Re: jealous wife is cramping my teaching style

What if this was a paragraph left out of your presentation:

"I'm 38. Twenty years ago, I started practice in college and five years later I earned by black belt and started teaching a beginners' class. Three years later, a stunning 20-year-old coed joined my class. She was talented. I gave her my full attention to help her progress. She saw my intensity and enjoyed the trust. Two years later, I married her and we've been together for ten years since. For the last nine years I've been teaching aikido at an all-boys prep school, but just last I started a club at the local college and now I have my first female student."

If you want to know why your wife is jealous, after ten years of marriage you should hopefully be comfortable working through the question with her. If she's sensitive about it, god help you, acooper, if she finds you've taken her personal business to the internet! [I think I've seen posts of mine from 1992 or so archived here!]
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Old 06-10-2008, 12:39 PM   #6
"******"
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Re: jealous wife is cramping my teaching style

Wow, That is a tough one, especially if she is there in the Dojo with you. I have an extremely jealous wife who would totally flip is she saw how much close contact we have with our training partners. Fortunately she is not interested in watching me train.
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Old 06-10-2008, 01:01 PM   #7
"acooper"
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Re: jealous wife is cramping my teaching style

Quote:
Anonymous User wrote: View Post
Wow, That is a tough one, especially if she is there in the Dojo with you. I have an extremely jealous wife who would totally flip is she saw how much close contact we have with our training partners. Fortunately she is not interested in watching me train.
My wife doesn't train. She is at the dojo once or twice per month to collect dues & take care of other dojo business. I think it would be easier if she did, or was at the dojo a couple times a week to keep an eye on me. Then she would see that I am not up to anything.
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Old 06-10-2008, 01:34 PM   #8
SeiserL
 
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Re: jealous wife is cramping my teaching style

IMHO, jealousy is about your mate's insecurity. Unless of course she has some legitimate reason to be jealous.

Does she feel loved and the top priority in your life?
Ask her.
Reassure her she is.
(She is, isn't she?)

Lynn Seiser PhD
Yondan Aikido & FMA/JKD
We do not rise to the level of our expectations, but fall to the level of our training. Train well. KWATZ!
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Old 06-10-2008, 01:50 PM   #9
"Incorrigible"
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Re: jealous wife is cramping my teaching style

Sometimes people are jealous for all the wrong reasons. I had an ex-girlfriend of a few years that I finally split from because of the jealousy factor. If I looked at for example a female bank teller while conducting bank transactions and the girlfriend was present, we'd argue because she thought I wanted to sleep with the teller. I'd be curious to know:

Have you ever given your wife a reason to be concerned?

Have you given yourself a honest evaluation of your interacts with the student?

What else have you had to give-up, or changed without compromise for your wife?

I agree with others that you may need some marital counseling, provided your conduct with this female student is on the up and up.
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Old 06-10-2008, 01:53 PM   #10
Marie Noelle Fequiere
 
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Re: jealous wife is cramping my teaching style

I agree with both Stephen and Lynn. The problem is inside your marriage, and this poor student has nothing to do with it. If you make her leave the dojo, your wife will find something else to rant about. I am not saying that she is doing this on purpose. She is probably very sincere in those irrational reactions of hers, and that's what marriage therapists are for.
Do you have children? If you do, they are another reason to seek professional advice.
Peace, and good luck.
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Old 06-10-2008, 02:07 PM   #11
SmilingNage
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Re: jealous wife is cramping my teaching style

Personally, you should keep home life and dojo life separate until you wife gets over what ever problems she is dealing with. Your wife needs to learn boundaries. She can be all the boss she wants to be at home. But at the dojo, you run the show. I would make that clear if it were my problem.

Dont make me, make you, grab my wrist.
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Old 06-10-2008, 10:02 PM   #12
Lauren Walsh
 
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Re: jealous wife is cramping my teaching style

Is it possible that your beloved has self-esteem issues, or is lacking confidence in herself? She may very well be comparing herself to your student, just adding to her insecurities. I'm not experienced enough to really give any advice, but I have known people who act in this way when they are insecure within themselves. If you have never given her a reason to be distrusting, then maybe she is simply dealing with internal issues of her own.

"The warrior's ultimate ideal is for when the sword resides not in the hand, but in the heart."
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Old 06-10-2008, 11:07 PM   #13
mickeygelum
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Re: jealous wife is cramping my teaching style

Give up teaching...let your students go somewhere else to train. This may sound harsh, but, if you put value to the assinine antics of your other half, you are not giving your students their monies worth. You only have a dozen students, no loss, your wife will be happy and you will be whatever. You may be a great teacher, but, you are not putting your students first.

Also be aware, treating a student differently due to gender, or causing them to alter their behavior and learning because of gender can and may bring legal ramifications that you have not even begun to consider. Another note, these threads have no expectation of privacy...and your IP address is prefacing this thread. Hopefully, this is not a topic that has been openly discuused within your dojo.

On-the-other-hand, you ONLY have twelve students...assume all responsibilities of YOUR dojo. It is not that hard to do.

Mickey
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Old 06-11-2008, 01:37 AM   #14
dalen7
 
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Re: jealous wife is cramping my teaching style

"Is that so?" - said the zen master when accused of fathering the child of a local villagers daughter.

"Is that so?" Is all he said as they told him the baby was his responsibility."

After some time the daughter confessed that the father was the local butcher, and the parents, quite distraught, went and apologized then asked for the baby back saying, "you are not the father."

Again, "Is that so?" Is all the zen master replied.

Its all stories.
Reaction to the ego in someone else.

There is nothing that you need to do.
Your wife is responsible for her own emotions and thoughts.
Dont get caught up in the emotional mind games.

This may aggravate your wifes ego as there is nothing for it to feed off of. But in doing this watch that your ego doesnt pop up and begin telling her how 'enlightened you are' by not trying to argue, etc.

Its that simple once you realize that its all stories, and that you dont have to be involved in the drama. - and that you are only responsible for yourself. (Does not mean your not loving your wife, but you are learning to take responsibility for yourself.)

Peace

dAlen

dAlen [day•lynn]
dum spiro spero - {While I have breathe - I have hope}

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Old 06-11-2008, 06:33 AM   #15
heathererandolph
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Re: jealous wife is cramping my teaching style

It sounds like your wife is jealous of this student. If you've ever been jealous, jealousy is a very painful emotion. It's too bad the student might have to suffer for something that has nothing to do with her. As a woman, I'm sure your wife would not want to see another woman treated unfairly. I don't think forcing the student to leave sounds very ethical at all. If she did have to leave because of this, I think you should be up front with her. Maybe she already has a boyfriend?

Definitely not shaking hands after class with students is a good idea. It must be difficult for your wife, thinking about how you might like this student better than her. It sounds like she is threatened by her. Maybe calling your wife immediately after class will help her realize that you're not interested in this student. Make sure your wife knows she comes first, and hopefully you won't have to quit teaching.
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Old 06-11-2008, 09:18 AM   #16
jennifer paige smith
 
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Re: jealous wife is cramping my teaching style

I'd say give up your dojo if this level of immaturity persists.

Jennifer Paige Smith
Confluence Aikido Systems
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Old 06-11-2008, 09:47 AM   #17
dbotari
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Re: jealous wife is cramping my teaching style

Read Dave Lowry's "Get a new wife" article on Koryu.com as food for thought.
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Old 06-11-2008, 10:39 AM   #18
Bronson
 
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Re: jealous wife is cramping my teaching style

I'd say give up your wife if this level of immaturity persists.

Your wife is not jealous of this new girl. This new girl is just the focus of a much deeper problem.

Trust is the cornerstone of any successful relationship. If, as you say, you haven't given her reason to distrust you then she is by nature a distrusting person and will never trust you. Not a good situation for you to be in.

If, however, you HAVE given her reason to distrust you then you've brought all this on yourself.

I don't think it's fair or healthy for one person in a relationship to give up everything to keep the other person happy. The only thing that is learned from this is that anytime she wants you to do something or change something she only has to bring out "The Jealous Wife" and you'll bend and break and do anything to appease her.

Bronson

"A pacifist is not really a pacifist if he is unable to make a choice between violence and non-violence. A true pacifist is able to kill or maim in the blink of an eye, but at the moment of impending destruction of the enemy he chooses non-violence."
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Old 06-11-2008, 11:17 AM   #19
Mark Uttech
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Re: jealous wife is cramping my teaching style

Onegaishimasu. You say you have been doing aikido for twenty years, and you have been married for ten. Why hasn't this problem come up before?

In gassho,

Mark

- Right combination works wonders -
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Old 06-11-2008, 01:15 PM   #20
Michael Hackett
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Re: jealous wife is cramping my teaching style

Bravo! Bronson. Wasn't it Willie Nelson who said "I'll never get married again. I'll just find me some woman I hate and buy her a house."?

Michael
"Leave the gun. Bring the cannoli."
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Old 06-11-2008, 06:21 PM   #21
eyrie
 
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Re: jealous wife is cramping my teaching style

Quote:
Dan Botari wrote: View Post
Read Dave Lowry's "Get a new wife" article on Koryu.com as food for thought.
Or grow some b@lls...

Ignatius
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Old 01-06-2009, 09:45 PM   #22
Akako110
 
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Re: jealous wife is cramping my teaching style

Maybe you could introduce your student to your wife so that they can get to know each other, then after your wife talks with her she will see nothing's up and maybe they will even become friends!
But I'm just a kid what do I know?

Tara
"Do not overrate what you have received, nor envy others. He who envies others does not obtain peace of mind."
-Buddha
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Old 01-07-2009, 03:26 AM   #23
Tony Wagstaffe
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Re: jealous wife is cramping my teaching style

Quote:
Lynn Seiser wrote: View Post
IMHO, jealousy is about your mate's insecurity. Unless of course she has some legitimate reason to be jealous.

Does she feel loved and the top priority in your life?
Ask her.
Reassure her she is.
(She is, isn't she?)
I think Lynn may have pondered some good points thar.....

Does your wife come before aikido? If yes then take those points.....
If no and there are some underlying insecurities then trouble is bound to come......

Like above my wife was also a student and partner in teaching..... until she retired from aikido to concentrate on bringing up our children......

In that time I have had mostly a mixture of young males and females join the dojo as they were students studying for degrees and so forth..... we also had end of year bbq's, xmas parties and the like usually instigated by either myself or my wife and even the students.....

Seems to me its a matter of trust....... any past issues of a similar nature?

Do you always accord the same attention to all your students regardless of gender?

If no........ then you will always have this problem if your partner is of a possessive nature and has no interest in aikido...... seen this kind of thing happen in the past with an ex student who started his own dojo ..... after a few years his wife found out about his infidelity and oh my..... did he get it in the neck!!

Good luck

Tony
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Old 01-07-2009, 04:26 PM   #24
Buck
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Re: jealous wife is cramping my teaching style

I tell her this, your wife, it is better you have this issue. It is better to have a husband that isn't obsessed with his wife, because those dudes usually kill their wives. Gruesome but true.

Second, you two got married. No matter what, she is and always will be #1, over any other woman. Nothing can change that fact, even if you both fall out of love.

Third, you can't reason with emotion. She, your wife, has strong feelings about her territory, her nest, she is being protective. Men do the same thing. It is nature. It is something you don't do in terms of emotion is get in the middle of a domestic fight between a couple, they in their emotionally state acting out of nature, both of them will turn on you. Facts of humans, we do have things in us that trigger things that has kept us around for this long and we see in other living things. So your up against that as well.

I would take what I said with a gain of salt. Am single for a reason, well at least I'd like to think that. You are up against something that is more then what can be dealt with here.

Last edited by Buck : 01-07-2009 at 04:34 PM.
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Old 01-07-2009, 04:56 PM   #25
MikeLogan
 
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Re: jealous wife is cramping my teaching style

1) In my not-so-humble opinion, since the original poster is technically the prime mover in all of this (ie, "man of the house", and head teacher of his own dojo), he has no one to embarrass but himself. For this particular case of jealous-wife, I don't consider it a fair and worthwhile use of the Anonymous forum.

2) this thread is 6 months old.

3) let it die...

If way to the better there be, it exacts a full look at the worst.

- Thomas Hardy
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