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Old 08-23-2007, 11:16 AM   #26
Marie Noelle Fequiere
 
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Dojo: Ikashi Dojo, Port au Prince
Location: Port au Prince
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 284
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Wink Re: losing control...

Quote:
Jess McDonald wrote: View Post
This has sparked more of an interest than I first thought!!
Believe me, a lot more people than you think have this problem. I too have an explosive temper - it runs in my family -, and I have been fighting it really hard those past few years.
Remember, when you have a conflict with someone and they are obviously wrong - there can be no justification in insulting somebody - your best move is to keep your dignity and let them disgrace themselves. Alone.
I know, it's not always easy. But do not forget that a lot of crimes are committed like this...
Next time, try to express verbally what you feel, like:
"I really feel that you are insulting me, and I will not accept it".
Or:
"Look at yourself, you are loosing control, and your dignity also".
Also, maybe you are facing a lot of stress unrelated to this incident, and this person pushed you one step too far.
Since the incident had a witness, talk to him, apologize, and express your indignation (verbally).
Did you read Kensho Furuya Sensei's book: "Kodo - Ancient Ways"? There is a chapter titled: "Make mistakes correctly".
What he means is that everybody makes mistakes. But it's never too late to fix things up, and it can be done with flying colors.
And like a friend of mine likes to say:
"Life is too short to be pissed off all the time".
And I would add:
"Even occasionally".
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Old 08-23-2007, 03:09 PM   #27
Bronson
 
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Dojo: Seiwa Dojo and Southside Dojo
Location: Battle Creek & Kalamazoo, MI
Join Date: Feb 2002
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Re: losing control...

Quote:
Matthew Gano wrote: View Post
Wow...in the US I don't think this is the case.
I'm no lawyer but from my readings on self-defense law if you threaten me and I believe you are in a position to carry out that threat, I would be justified in defending myself.

Example 1: We are both at a party and you've had too much to drink and aren't feeling well. As you lay on the ground holding your head in an attempt to keep it from exploding you say "if you touch me I'll kill you". No threatening actions and I would doubt you had the physical ability to carry out the threat so I would not be justified in using force against you.

Example 2: You are walking toward me in a menacing manner with your hand in your jacket pocket and you threaten to kill me. From my readings I would be justified in using force against you even though you had not physically attacked me (yet).

It all comes down to whether I can convince a judge/jury that I truly believed my safety and/or life were jeapordized.

Again, I ain't no law person this is just what I've gathered in my reading.

Bronson

"A pacifist is not really a pacifist if he is unable to make a choice between violence and non-violence. A true pacifist is able to kill or maim in the blink of an eye, but at the moment of impending destruction of the enemy he chooses non-violence."
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Old 08-24-2007, 01:38 AM   #28
Tim Griffiths
Dojo: Nes Ziona Aikikai
Location: Suzhou, China
Join Date: Aug 2001
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Re: losing control...

Quote:
Matthew wrote:
Wow...in the US I don't think this is the case. I can talk all kinds of trash and make all kinds of threats but unless I take steps to actually make it happen, no verbal threat that I'm aware of can be regarded as an attack warranting violent response......words alone should never provoke physical retaliation.
Both in the UK and the US, you can defend yourself against a reasonable belief you're immediately going to be attacked. Quoting a random google'd legal page:
Quote:
There must be an overt act by the person which indicates that he immediately intends to carry out the threat. The person threatened must reasonably believe that he will be killed or injured if he does not act immediately.
That can be pulling back a punch, or picking up a knife or an aggressive physical move. If I sit in an armchair and say "I'm gunno slap your face" I haven't handed you the right to break a chair over my head.
Even in the various cases where battered women have killed/burnt alive their sleeping husbands, self-defense is not a workable plea as there was no imminent danger - self-defense has to be an act to avert a danger *now*.

Tim

(My understanding of this law comes from the UK, although all the web references I found in a couple of minutes of looking were from the US).

If one makes a distinction between the dojo and the battlefield, or being in your bedroom or in public, then when the time comes there will be no opportunity to make amends. (Hagakure)
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Old 08-24-2007, 01:02 PM   #29
dalen7
 
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Re: losing control...

Quote:
Jess McDonald wrote: View Post
.... probably should of reacted differently and definitely not engaged in physical violence but it's so damn hard.

Anyway, what do you guys think; how do you control your anger even when someone is dishonoring you? Do you think there's a point where your obligated to stand up for yourself even if violence may ensue? Let me know your thoughts. Thanks for your comments!! Late!!
- "how do you control...when someone is dishonoring you?"
Well, you are not dishonored. It is a 'story' nothing less and nothing more. And what they say has nothing to do about who you are.
That is unless you 'identify' with objects (which include thoughts, thought that may seem abstract.)

Who you truly are is as it is and cannot be dishonored, when you know who you are, you will see through the ego in someone else.
Until then its ego looking at another ego.

Any sense of negativity is the 'ego' (or thought pretending to be you) having its way.

Again, as I always do I recommend the philosphers eckhart Tolles audio book 'new earth' - the teaching blend well in with that of what one can potentially take away when applying spirituality to their aikido.

- "probably should have reacted..."
No 'shoulds' - as simple as this sounds, its truth solid, and that is all you have is the 'present moment'/now. Past and Furture are 'thought forms' and only happen in this present time.

So as you release the past and the future (doesnt mean you cant plan, etc. but stop letting it 'rule your life') then you will be free to make a 'conscious' choice of the story you wish to follow...if any all.

The best to you in this...

Peace

dAlen
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Old 08-24-2007, 04:15 PM   #30
mathewjgano
 
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Re: losing control...

Quote:
Tim Griffiths wrote: View Post
Both in the UK and the US, you can defend yourself against a reasonable belief you're immediately going to be attacked. Quoting a random google'd legal page:

That can be pulling back a punch, or picking up a knife or an aggressive physical move. If I sit in an armchair and say "I'm gunno slap your face" I haven't handed you the right to break a chair over my head.
Even in the various cases where battered women have killed/burnt alive their sleeping husbands, self-defense is not a workable plea as there was no imminent danger - self-defense has to be an act to avert a danger *now*.
(My understanding of this law comes from the UK, although all the web references I found in a couple of minutes of looking were from the US).
Ok so it's how I thought it was. I remember situations with cops which included the matter of a verbal threat. The people who were feeling threatened were basically told words alone mean nothing...which was why I was suprised at the idea that verbal threats could constitute grounds for self-defense. "I'm going to kill you" isn't enough.

Gambarimashyo!
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Old 08-24-2007, 04:18 PM   #31
mathewjgano
 
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Re: losing control...

Quote:
Dalen Johnson wrote: View Post
- "how do you control...when someone is dishonoring you?"
Well, you are not dishonored. It is a 'story' nothing less and nothing more. And what they say has nothing to do about who you are.
That is unless you 'identify' with objects (which include thoughts, thought that may seem abstract.)

Who you truly are is as it is and cannot be dishonored, when you know who you are, you will see through the ego in someone else.
Until then its ego looking at another ego.

Any sense of negativity is the 'ego' (or thought pretending to be you) having its way.

Again, as I always do I recommend the philosphers eckhart Tolles audio book 'new earth' - the teaching blend well in with that of what one can potentially take away when applying spirituality to their aikido.

- "probably should have reacted..."
No 'shoulds' - as simple as this sounds, its truth solid, and that is all you have is the 'present moment'/now. Past and Furture are 'thought forms' and only happen in this present time.

So as you release the past and the future (doesnt mean you cant plan, etc. but stop letting it 'rule your life') then you will be free to make a 'conscious' choice of the story you wish to follow...if any all.

The best to you in this...

Peace

dAlen
I just wanted to express how beautifully poetic that was to me...very nice; thank you.
Take care,
matt

Gambarimashyo!
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Old 08-25-2007, 10:00 PM   #32
Jess McDonald
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 86
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Re: losing control...

Thanks for everything folks...all your advice and wise words. Maybe there isn't so many knuckle heads out there as I thought!! Thanks again for your support!
BTW, I think everything is cool now; had meetings with bosses and the other chick. However, I don't think we'll be good friends any time soon as she didn't even look me in the eyes when we shook hands. Oh well! LATE!!
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