cck

Terms, terms, definition of terms, perception of terms…
I started aikido because I wanted to be the Avenging Angel in the Night (I was 21 years old and so very young). I started practicing and learned how to roll and thought wow, this is cool stuff! I nevertheless stopped, moved on, lived in China for a while, did some taijiquan, came back, got married, finished school and moved again.
Found myself another dojo and again thought that this was indeed "my sport". Unfortunately, I ended up having to make the very difficult decision to leave because I had lost all respect for my sensei -- a pompous ass with a clear and demonstrated inability to practice what he preached. He did not match my expectations of someone I could learn from.
So I left again… Had a child, moved some more, and one day passed a dojo on my way to work. Took a class and have been there for two years now. I've had a couple of months where I only went four times, but I go.
Desire, pain, fear and commitment, then:
Desire for what I get out of aikido keeps me going -- it does something to me that makes me what I consider to be a better person. It makes me so ridiculously happy sometimes that people stop me and ask me what I am so happy about. But is that a warning sign?
Pain and fear belong in the realm of watching my father die and never appears in aikido -- at least it never reaches the same level. It can be uncomfortable, absolutely, to see some of your blind spots reflected in a very tangible, physical and undeniable way through practice. It can be really, really, frustrating -- but then desire kicks in, the desire to work through it and come out on the other side and focus on something else. If there is something there, by all means, let's have a look at it. Practice affects how I relate to my work and how I am with my family. But is that "self-transformation"?
Commitment -- well, I've been arguing about that one before as well. I understand David better now, I think; I would still say that once you've made a choice, what David calls "integration" follows -- at whatever level you practice. I don't make that choice every day, I only had to do it once. I understand myself as a committed individual, and perhaps feel that if my commitment in one area is being questioned, then all of it is -- hence a conflict with a very deep rooted sense of "me", something close to the core -- it still gets me every time. Now, however, I am asking myself why? Didn't even really know I had a "core". Interesting… What else lurks there?
That, to me, is the main benefit of David's (in Erick's term) a-gressio posts -- the question "why does this affect me so?" He can be heavy to dance with, absolutely, but give it some time and real thought. I've reacted to him too and likely will again, but in retrospect, when the emotions fade, there are valuable afterthoughts. Honestly, I think my problem has been that I wanted (his) approval, or to win the discussion; in the end, though, it is me I am trying to convince.
Right?