JennyL

Forward rolls - the bane of my aikido life. Glad to hear from Ann Marie that there is someone else out there like me.

I have had a lifelong fear of falling forward and started aikido in my mid forties. I began in Iwama Ryu style with the method of rolling from the shoulder to the hip. After four years I could barely do an adequate roll without hurting myself and was unable to roll out of technique at all. I tried everything and so did the many people who tried to help me. I spent a year on kneeling, I visualised and affirmed to no avail, I even tried some hypnosis (mainly visualising). I tried thinking about it, not thinking about it, being positive, pretending I didn't mind. I landed badly on just about every part it is possible to land on whilst attempting a forward roll and still I probably only improved about 7% from my beginner's days.

To say it was demoralising is an understatement. I spent many an evening crying in the car on the way home, totally frustrated. When people came in as beginners and just rolled in weeks, even months, I felt so envious and so despondent. What kept me on the mat was an understanding junior instructor who had had problems himself - although not as bad as mine. Also, working with people who did not consider it the end of the world if I could not roll out of their technique. They may not have fully understood but they did not make me feel like a second class citizen. Some of us just can't handle ukemi well no matter how hard we try. We may not become senseis but we can still train and that is the most important thing.

For various reasons I left that dojo after four years and changed to the Yoshinkan style. What possessed me in forward roll terms I don't know because this style does a lot of nage throws. Within six months I was rolling out of technique. I am not the greatest roller and I still have issues with momentum but I am rolling. What happened?...

A rolling mat for one, also softer mats. If you are hurting yourself every time you make a mistake then you just reinforce the fear. Also, the Yoshinkan style of roll is similar to judo rolls, it is more of a somersault rather than the diagonal shoulder/hip line. I did carry one problem through both though - collapsing my arm. Eventually one instructor fixed it in five minutes by showing me how to tuck my head into the crook of the arm. It tricks my body and I can't collapse my arm because my head is there.

So when anyone sees me roll they are watching a small miracle. And yes, women do tend to have more problems rolling. Most of us don't get the rough and tumble that boys have in their early days. And are bodies are different.

Yes, patience is key. Not just patience with yourself but patience from others.There are a few people who have not known what to do when you don't roll out of technique; just do the technique, throw carefully, and stop fussing about how you are being made to "look bad". Rather, you are learning about compassion and consideration for others.

Sorry about the length of this post but it's been a long five years.

Jenny