I agree with what Janet and Cherie said. The particular interpretation of aikido's purpose and nature which you give is just that: an interpretation. It's true that aikido, being a martial art, stems from ideas that are inherently about conflict, about fighting, and about winning; but you might just as well see it as self-defense with minimal injury to opponent (as Cherie views it), as an engaging exercise practice (as Lee sees it), as a demonstration of universal forces (physical or spiritual) interacting with each other , as a sort of meditation, or as anything else that makes sense to you.
I think what might help you now is to find another teacher, at least for some time, someone who sees aikido and its philosophy differently from your current teachers. Maybe even try a different style?