graham christian

Hi Paulina.
A well written piece, I liked it, it took me there with you like a little journey understanding your experience.

Personally I found in the past, and true for me to this day, that the biggest factor in handling nerves for me was the practicing I did leading up to the test.

I mean by this that I go into a focused training time period leading up to the test and have it as a process rather than a program.

During this process I am passing through the many 'fears' and the process is complete when when that 'determined something' in me says 'I'm ready!'

Many years ago when my friend and I were told that in one months time we would be doing our first dan grade test we both went into mode. We trained for hours every day, six days a week, towards that end.

The teacher seemed to join in with this for us two and got more firm with us and emphasized ore precision. I remember clearly when it came to sword work I would always be put in stressful situations, a great reason for learning the sword by the way. Not only becuse of the disciplined concentration needed where if I drifted or feared or got arrogant for one split moment I then got hit and that bokken hurts.

For there was also the fact that if he said my elbows were sticking out too much when I thought I had just done a perfect cut then I was put in a position of no way out. If I said that's not true then he would demonstrate and I would get whacked on the offending part. If I played dumb-- the same result. If I agreed -- the same result.

Anyway, after the month passed the night came and my friend was put under test and he duly passed. Nothing was said to me though.

So we carried on training and this went on for a month and still nothing was said to me so after talking to my friend I said THAT'S IT! That evening I approached the teacher and asked him what was going on. I pointed out he said I could have the test last month and yet nothing was done. I pointed out I had done all that had been asked etc.

I noticed as I said it, little me facing up to confronting and expressing my views to the teacher, that I was calm, certain and untroubled. Stranger than that he was just nodding and smiling.

He told me to sit seiza and dissappeared into his little room. I thought he was coming back with his bokken but it didn't worry me any more, I was ready for any humiliation he was about to dish out for my cheek.

He returned with a package, sat seiza in front of me and placed it before me. He then explained to me he had indeed been watching my training very closely for the last two months and had put me through more than I had realized. He said not only had I surpassed his expectations and that my Aikido had improved dramatically but that I had changed in myself. He said I had become a dan grade. He bowed and left me to open the package.

Inside was a black belt and an Hakama, a present given to him by Tohei Sensei.

He was gone, my training partners were all clapping and patting me on the back and yet I was still in a kind of shock.

I'm sorry for the long piece here but your writing has brought up this memory and even now a tear is falling down my face.

Thanks for the posting and if you have managed to read this then thank you for listening. I need to go now and recompose myself.

Regards.G.