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What a great post. Introspective and honest.
We all seek validation for what we invest ourselves in. The training method in Aikido allows for a lot of questions: Could I really blend if I needed to on the street? What if he resisted? Etc, etc...
One way to answer your questions is to cross-train. Taste the truth of other arts. Experience their training methods, philosophies, and tactics. Many martial artists refuse to do this, insisting that their style is the best, that they know THE TRUTH, etc. If they know they truth then, there should be nothing to fear in experiencing other perspectives. Cross-training will show you the respective strengths and weaknesses of Aikido. All arts have them. It does not indicate "deficiency", it simply points out their emphasis.
The fact that these questions are coming up is healthy. I wrestled with these issues strenuously for quite some time, and still do, although considerably less these days.
You see, I was a "true believer" in the invincibility of Aikido. Disillusionment was the next major stage (this was a long and painful process, in my case). Now, I believe I'm achieving acceptance of what Aikido is... and what it isn't.
Aikido has changed my life. From the aesthetic beauty of techniques, to the philosophy of non-violence and the friends I've made within the dojo... I am a different person for having trained. It also continues to shape my Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu "game". Aikido is not an art to be underestimated in its transformative power. It is more heavily weighted towards moral education and spiritual development than martial techniques (the techniques are physical metaphors for Ueshiba's philosophy). Of course, schools vary, so what I've stated is surely not definitive...
In short, don't try to overcome. Work with your curiosity, work with your uncertainty. Questioning is not necessarily egoic, it's rational.
Good training to you,
Roy
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