hunglea

Hello,

I have a parallel experience to yours.

I am fairly new at Aikido myself, only 8 years or so. My view on my practice of Aikido is constantly changing. When I first started, it was simply a hobby and to kill time. After about a year or two I joined as an uchi-deshi/live-in student. The mental challenge outweighed the physical practice. I wrecked my body plenty trying to live up to whatever ridiculous expectations I had upon myself. I had arguments with other uchi-deshi's because of false expectations that I had placed on myself and them. It was a learning process. Through it all (2 years as a live in), I learned that Aikido to me is just a hobby, but one that I am very passionate about. However, I practice it for myself.

At the end of the day, I only have one body. I am not going to ruin it trying to do what I think people want me to do. I train safely so I can continue training. I practice at my own pace and let my partners know to slow down a throw because I can't physically the ukemi that fast or in whichever way they want. I learned that I don't have to breakfall out of everything, the aikido flop is fine. Practicing slow and soft is fine. If people want to crank on me, I tell them to stop it. I learned to respect my own training and communicate it to people. It's not the art, it's how I practice it. I enjoy the movements and the body development, but I don't care if I don't get any kind of other benefits from it spiritually/martially/real-life/dark alley way scenarios/etc. I don't care for testing either. If you don't want to test, don't test. Why test? What's the purpose of testing? Can't you just train for the enjoyment of it?

Train for you, don't train for other people. Find out why you truly like Aikido and continue doing it or if you don't like it, find something else. I mean that in the best of ways, because it's your practice, time, energy, and body.

Regards,

Hung