Thread: disillusionment
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Old 03-23-2004, 12:14 PM   #6
Anders Bjonback
Dojo: Boulder Aikikai
Location: Boulder, CO
Join Date: Jul 2003
Posts: 129
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What I've mainly gone through disillusionment about has been my education.

I overcame my learning disabilities and learned how to learn in a College prep. high school, where most students, getting a C average there, would easily get an A average somewhere else. Then, after graduating, I came to Naropa University, and have found that it has not nearly been as challenging intellectually. I first became disillusioned with the idea that I didn't really care about the picture of me others had, the kid who pulled himself out of the gutter and became an excellent student. I discovered that I had a lot of pride towards that, so that was a big reason why I was so unsatisfied with my education at Naropa. I came to the conclusion that it was just a pride issue. Then, when I talked to Reggie Ray, a senior teacher in the Shambala lineage, I found that I almost cried when I said that, in college, I hadn't found that love of intellectual challenge I had in high school. I came to the conclusion that I did really have a love of intellectual challenge, and that I hadn't found that at Naropa. Later, I became disillusioned with that, and now I feel like I've lost any inclination towards wanting to be challenged intellectually. Maybe that was a love that just died. Or maybe it's still there and I'm going through a slump. What I'm currently going through is wondering where my dedication has gone, and seeing other stuents put in tons of work and get a lot out of their education.

My education at Naropa University, perhaps partly because of its contemplative nature, has been one disillusionment after the other about my education, myself, and my life plan. Sometimes I'm fine, sometimes I'm depressed for weeks.

Aikido has been the one constant for me throughout this. There have been times where I've scarcely come to the dojo, convinced at the idea that I'd leave Naropa and go to a university in Kathmandu. But at those times I was unrealistic--I really did still love aikido. Maybe because I've never really enjoyed something physical before, I've always found it to be a rewarding practice for me, even when I'm feeling like I'm doing badly.

Last edited by Anders Bjonback : 03-23-2004 at 12:17 PM.

"For peace and happiness are presences, not objects we can grasp and hold onto."
--Lilian Smith
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