First, compliments on your introspection and your ability to express it. Keep writing.
Secondly, I tends to be pretty aggressive as the nage. But it only tends to work if the uke gives some intent and energy. If not, I feel like I am back in the bashing arts or just taking advanage of my poor uke. Aikido has actually taught me to be less aggressive than I used to be, but less than I hope to become.