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Old 03-19-2008, 12:26 AM   #69
Ellis Amdur
 
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Location: Seattle
Join Date: May 2003
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Forgiveness

Seems like I'm functioning as a devil's advocate. I wish to be very clear that I am not questioning nor arguing with the forgiveness that R. Wood and William have described. BUT - one of the most pernicious problems I see in the treatment and recovery from violation is the "pushing" of forgiveness. This can be due to an ideology of a particular religion or psychology (particularly "pop" psychology); discomfort on the part of the auditor at the anger or even rage of the victim; or a fantasy that forgiveness will always heal.
I've worked with many many people who never healed because they suppressed their righteous outrage when pushed by pastor, therapist, family or friend to forgive. I see many children pushed to forgive their abusive dad by their mother whom they love - but who wants the man back in her life above all else, or as above, is more uncomfortable at the anger of their child than the act of the abuser.
So, it's been my experience that the only forgiveness that heals comes from the heart, and that is not something that is taught or even pointed out. It emerges completely unexpected, as a shock from within, like when you walk into a hospital room, look in someone's eyes, and somehow, the rage is gone, and forgiveness or compassion emerges.
Most of the time, my job is to help a person become enraged, to succeed in hating both the deed and the doer, to have it burn through them like a fire burning out all the underbrush in a redwood forest. When one can clearly condemn evil, without reframing it, or finding a pablum explanation in the oppressor's past, when one can clearly say that no explanation excuses violation, then and only then can forgiveness OR indifference OR a continuation of a righteous disdain and hatred emerge, all equally valid, equally powerful, and equally true.
Again, I am not discounting what William and Ricky wrote. But just as moral relativism, multi-culturalism, or the idea of self-esteem healing all, "forgiveness" has become, for many, a talisman that is deemed so self-evidence that no one dare question it's worth.
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