Hi everyone, recently I've been getting depressed in aikido class at my own lack of ability....I keep thinking to myself "I've been training for over a year, why arent I any better?" Well this kind of thinking completley made any technique I had acquired at that point useless, and that just fed the self loathing fire even more. It got so bad that my Sensei e mailed me about it, asking what was up....I told him it related back to a poor self image, blah blah blah....He replied back with some very insightful words that I wanted to share with all of you, hoping maybe they could help someone else like they helped me
Here it is.
"The first thing you have to realize is that there is nothing inherently
wrong with you and second that it is most skillful to live in the moment not
the future, the past, or some conditional "what if". Aikido demands
"beginner's mind" and how your ego deals with this is a reflection on how
your ego deals with other issues. This is one of the many levels of training
that are called out in the course of Aikido training.
Self judgment and negative self talk is due to fear and it only serves as a
hindrance. You are no more or less deserving and certainly no less capable
than any one in our Aikido class (including my self). Right training and
effort leads to some small successes that eventually grow to big successes.
No effort will lead to no success. The secret technique is to just show up
and put in good effort. All the rest will come on its own."
Thanks for listening!
Great post. I've been struggling with the same issue myself and your sensei's words are a useful reminder to let go of fear, stop "striving" so much, and just enjoy the ride. Of course, my default approach is to demand that I stop being so demanding...
Reminds me of the old joke: "Dear Lord, please bring me patience, but hurry!"