Marie Noelle Fequiere
I would like to confess, in the hope that it might help with dealing with this problem.
I have been training for almost ten months, and sometimes, I hurt my partner. Of course, they tell me, I apologize, and I try my best not to let it happen again. I find that there are two reasons for it.
The first one il a lack of self confidence. I have a very poor coordination (in spite of having trained in shotokan for thirteen years before I switched to A´kido), and I know that I usually need more time than the average person to learn a new technique. So sometimes, I do not realize that I finally got it! And I often find it hard to believe that those apparently subttle and delicate moves have the potential to hurt like hell. I am used to kicking and punching.
Another reason is that, again because of my lack of coordination, I need to concentrate hard on not forgetting any detail of the technique. While concentrating on the technique, I forget my partner. Ouch.
There, I said it. The people I hurt sometimes are still my friends. I just wanted to let you know that an apparently brutal person is just sometimes a bit lost.
I hope it helps.
It does help. Especially when one can be open to communication about it.
When I was a first year student ( and beyond, I suspect) many people commented at different times that they felt I was going to 'break their'..........fill in body part here! Different than yourself, I am highly coordinated and I came from a competitive sports background and a rough neighborhood. Certainly I wasn't interested in breaking anyones wrist or skull, or overly crafted hair-do. I was interested in practicing strong and imbalancing movements and I relied on the skill of my partners to learn ukemi and to be as interested in learning the technique as I was (and vise-versa) . Sometimes they needed to appropriate new skills to handle the moment. Sometimes I needed to shift my technique to be less brutal. But it was in the context of learning in cooperation and the words were said to one another. We responded. That is good training in my experience. Sounds like you are there too.