When I read
Aikido and the Dynamic Sphere, one of the points that Westbrook and Ratti really nailed home for me was the "Ethics of Defense in Combat."
In short, there are four panels that are beautifully illustrated. In Panel A, the attacker is unprovoked and kills the victim without warning. In Panel B, the attacker goads or taunts the victim to attack, and while "defending" himself kills the victim. In Panel C, the victim is attacked legitimately, but in defending himself kills the attacker. In Panel D, the victim is again attacked legitimately, but leaves his attacker alive and intact. According to Westbrook and Ratti, "this last and highest level is the goal of all aikido self-defense arts."
This particular passage spoke to me very clearly, yet I find myself in the mindset of either Panel B or C more often than anything else. While I haven't had anything close to a physical confrontation in many, many years, I often find myself yearning for a good brawl.
I work as a bartender in a restaurant, and the large majority of people I serve are extremely nice, easy-going, responsible adults. Even the barely-21 and rowdy bunch that I serve drinks to are respectful of the other people in the restaurant. Unfortunately, I get several abrasive and crass individuals pass through the bar as well. Rude and disrespectful as they are, I'm a very easy-going person and I can let most of them have their drinks and be on their way with no real issue.
But there are a select, small few, some of whom have become regulars because of my perceived 'kindness' (which is nothing more than a learned patience for rudeness), who evoke a violent, passionate rage in me that is almost frightening. I don't consider myself a violent person. I choose only to defend myself verbally when I'm pushed to my limit (though this rarely comes up, most don't want to risk getting cut off
![Wink](images/smilies/wink.gif)
)
Never before in my life have I encountered something so powerful. My first instinct is to talk, to befriend someone, to use language and discussion to clear the air, to alleviate any pressure. It almost always works, and when it doesn't I simply walk away. But in this particular case I cannot walk away. I'm forced to simply remain silent and keep as much distance as possible to avoid any kind of confrontation. My issue isn't so much how do deal with the people themselves, but with my own quiet anger. Its almost all internal (though my coworkers and I have a good deal of fun swapping horror stories), and violence has never been an option. But even the knowledge of this fact doesn't stop me from wanting to beat the tar out someone.
I've never heard of this kind of thinking from anyone in any dojo I've been to, and I've never heard any of my senseis address it. O-Sensei said that "Victory over oneself is the primary goal of our training. We focus on the spirit rather than the form, the kernel rather than the shell." I took this to mean, at least in this case, that with practice one can control ones dark side, to acknowledge it and keep it in check. Has anyone else battled their demons, their dark side, their desire for violence? Is this something that I can overcome with practice? Or will it simply take time?
I would love to hear some thoughts on the matter.