Re: Crisis of Faith
I definitely agree with Phi about the Systema teaching methodology. In particular, whether you're using a Systema-specific exercise or not, make sure your practice isn't reinforcing fear or tension. If you notice that you or your partner is becoming "amped up" or flinching, back off to a level where you can both stay calm.
Since you have an issue with men specifically, I'd recommend seeking out men in the dojo who you find relatively non-threatening for whatever reason. Make sure they are senior enough to have good control and have gotten past their own issues about hitting women. (I would NOT recommend working with a significant other on this kind of exercise, though.) Work with them on exercises like the ones Janet and Phi suggested.