I admit, it sounds better if I say "screaming white belt newbie" as opposed to "hi, I'm new here, how are you..."
I just signed onto this forum two days ago, I think. My first aikido lesson EVER was about four hours ago. I will be sore tomorrow. I can do two forward rolls in a row, thumping my way through them... but if I do three I get very verrrrrry dizzy.
It's a good thing I knew about the spiritual/mental side of this art before getting into it -- I'm actively listening for all the voices in my head and trying to face them while I'm out there. Jeez, it took me four weeks to work up the nerve to step *onto* the mat in the first place...
(voices: as in, "jeez, you landed too rough again," "this sensei is GOING to lose patience with you if you don't shape up", "holy COW you're out of shape!!", and so on and so on... and also, "you can do this, you're just out of practice," "hey, that was better!", "sensei just said something really kind and it felt GOOD," etc.)
I've heard it said that aikido teaches you who you really are, on and off the mat. I'm seeing that it doesn't tell me anything I didn't already know -- that I push myself much harder than anyone else would -- but what it does do is really drive home those messages. You feel them in your body rather than just rationalizing them in your head.
This, showing up and doing forward rolls and turning around in little circles, is some of the hardest Work I've ever done. I was *so* scared to be there tonight, and I did it anyway, and I want to both celebrate my courage and cry over my fear.
Has anyone else ever been there?