I am very very sorry for your loss.

Your story rings somewhat similar to mine. I have been doing aikido very consistently for maybe about 6 years. We had celebrations, cake, I organized an anniversary card for Sensei. Sensei was over the moon happy. It seemed like I was very well liked by others. Then COVID came. Everything shut down. We restarted for a bit, then the only senior student bashed me over the head (presumably by accident, but really no one is supposed to go THAT HARD) with a Kingfisher jo during outdoor jo practice. I have never forgotten how much that hurt me because some of the damage is permanent, which I was not aware of at the time.

Like you, I told Sensei I was going to take a break. I didn't tell Sensei the full extent of the damage because he already felt bad for not seeing exactly what happened. We had a talk, Sensei wanted me to come back, I also wanted to come back, but not until I made a complete recovery.

Lots of circumstances went bad and worse for me. Schedules changed, I didn't go back for practice, and then at one point Sensei e-mailed everyone to let him know if we were still interested in coming back, and if not, then let him know and then you'll be removed from the e-mail list. I said I wasn't going back, became honest about the worst parts of the damage I suffered, and I wanted to be removed from the e-mail list for now based on how the message was phrased. I never heard a word back from Sensei afterwards ever again.

I later found out, and unfortunately mistakenly witnessed the one who hurt me, take a black belt test, and to my horrible surprise, that same Sensei promoted that person. I was not welcomed. After knowing that, I would NEVER interact with such terrible people like that ever again! Most of the old group never showed up. I have cried every night for a month since then.

It almost seems like my Sensei is similar to your Sensei. They want rough, tough people who beat people to either near-death or into serious injuries, presumably like themselves, and gives the trophy to the person beating up others. I'm unsure if this is specific to aikido or if it's just person-specific cases, but like you, I lost a big chunk of my life and soul. I strongly suspect my former Sensei had big ego issues based on previous behaviour.

Go somewhere else for aikido, be with other people, know that there is a place where people will love to have you there, and take your time to improve. If there is no where else for aikido like in my case, do something else similar to aikido or put your aikido to good use in other martial arts. You will find a use for it some how. You will need to move on and you will find a way to do so, because after 2 years, I have.