An Honest Confession
I have been trainging in Aikido or 1 1/2 years or so i say. To be really honest with myself I have not truly trained much at all.
When i first joined Aikido as a beginner I went for every lesson trained as hard as i could and put in as much effort as i could. I went for every beginner training time my dojo had. When i finished the beginners course I naturally signed on as a full member.
I pushed my training to 5 times a week. Nearly every single lesson. But then the limits of time and reality dawned on me. I started cutting back it slowly became les and les then hardly even at all. It got to a point that i stopped going all together. Only going once in a long while. I became more like a visitor to the dojo. It was not time thats a problem but it was as if i got bored even though my interest was still there.
This has been going on for a yr and a half now. I recently went back to my home town for a holiday from school having not been home for nearly a year andI signed up at the local dojo. I told the sensei there i had been traing for a yr or so. I went through the class and realise what my skills were like. It was a different approach to my old dojo in which i somehow skipped the knowledge of my lack of skills. It was truely thrown in my face that I was really really bad at it. I must admit I learnt alot today aikido wise but I really was surprised at what I had become.
The final kick in the gut was after the session when I went to thank the Sensei for letting me train there. He asked me. "Are you sure you have been training for 1 1/2? I have beginners who have been training for 4 months....." He kinda trailed of there but u could tell he wanted to say more.
I was really upset by this. I was pissed at myself and pissed t what I had wasted.Then i started thinking about it. This has kinda been happening my whole life. I have undertaken so many things and thrown in tons of effort and tons of work. Yet things don't seem to pay of. I realise now that the way I have been leading my life is that of a half heart lazy useless person. I realsied that whatever I have done studies, training relationships all have been halfassed. I have goals and aims and wishes like everyone. I want to be great a aikido, great at my studies but I hvae not been able to do so. Why? cause I have never truely had the will power to say " Hey! Cut the bull and finish what u started with the same gusto u put in the first place!!" I intend to finish what I start and Really do the best of what I can. Not some halfass dodgy runaway.
I hope this is not some gust in the beginning that I usually have but something that i can really pull together for myself. If Aikido has thought me anything it has been this.