Re: How do you deal with.....
I spoke with the head of the dojo tonight. He is aware now of this thread as i gave the details on how to find this place. I voiced my concerns and explained in the time that we have what i thought. The initial response was that he was gonna have none "of this fighting/tension in his dojo" and that either we work this out or one of us is gonna have to go. I agreed. I have been given "leave" from the couple for a bit to let some time pass and then we will talk. He is gonna talk with both of them in the near future. Probably wednesday.
My sensei told me stories of having japanese sensei's that slapped people straight up in the face as that is how, some, of the japanese deal with that situation if you get stuff wrong. I guess i am fortunate as that would not go down well with me at all and i would end up in a nasty shihonage on the floor. But that is their culture he said.
Time heals. I know it does. Hopefully some time away on both parties will be beneficial. I am not an angry young man and want confrontation. I do not seek it. I avoid that like i avoid the plague and always have. Maybe too much as i can't seem to take, what in her eyes would be, a simple slap to remind me that i got it wrong. Did the slap hurt me physically? No. It might have hurt my pride. I did feel violated and disrespected though. I am sure if i addressed the initial issues i had with her right away that i would not have had the time to let this build up into something bigger. I did try the subtle way by saying i am a white belt ect so its not just my fault as she progressed from verbal to physical action.
I have faith and confidence in my sensei and trust his judgement. I did come into the dojo with baggage just as she came into the dojo with some bad habits. I am far too sensitive and have not developed a thick skin like Krystal and others have. I envy you people but this can and will be worked on.
The thought of me leaving the dojo because i cannot deal with a situation is not one i want to face and am not willing to face despite my earlier protestations. I cant do it. I only have an issue with one person and not the whole dojo, so that can be dealt with by talking as opposed to not dealing with it. One of my best friends when i was younger i met during a fight. A young turkish boy in germany. It's not like our cultures could have contrasted any more. Mustafa a muslim and little pig eating me yet we got on.
I think it was krystal that said something to the effect of i will always be facing myself when i look at her and it did not make any sense at all to me. Till now. I think she means that my problem or inability to deal with my own issues and inability to just let the stuff brush off of me is what i see in her when we would face off again in the dojo during training. As in she will just remind me of what my own problems are.
I am not quitting. That would be giving in to defeat and i don't generally go down that path in the sports i have chosen in my life. I have always been a good sportsman and i will excel in aikido with the right preparation.
I still think janet's initial response of ignore it all was probably the best one. Had i done that i would not be sitting here. Had i thicker skin and could recognize that she is just playing and not trying to intentionally disrespect me as well as trying to help me by pointing out my mistakes i would not be here. But having been a victim of abuse when i was younger, beatings and large blocks of time spent staring at my four walls locked in my room, it seems i am not willing to let go of it. I still think of it too much and it is effecting me. Sensei said i need to let go of it. Let it go. It's hard but it seems it has a large grip on me and the way i think. It's not like we can get any serious help for it in the United states for it if you do not have health insurance so most of us trod though life with this baggage no matter where we go.
I want to apologize for my little outbursts as all of you were trying to help me and i was blind to the fact and disrespectful. Sorry.
I am just now coming to realize how deep aikido is and that it is not just a set of moves to defend yourself with. It's a state of mind.